Yes, I am MAD..not crazy…ANGRY!
OK people….here’s the deal. I am incredibly, frustratingly, out of my mind angry. I am absolutely sick to death of the unfairness of life and I am done…hear me? DONE!… Done being trod on, stepped over, used and disrespected. I am the wife of a sick, disgusting sex addict. I have been his “wife” for 36 1/2 long, painful, sexually unsatisfying years. In that time, I have ALWAYS questioned myself…why do I stay married to this loser? Why don’t I leave? Why do I let him keep holding me down….seperating me from the life I know I was meant for? I have never had a good answer. I have fallen back on the standards…for the kids, for my family, for my grandkids, because he is a good provider, because he is a Godly man…..Guess what? Not only was our marrige a lie, as I always suspected, so were all the excuses. My family has now put their full support behind HIM! The poor struggling addict. Because of his expenses for sex and co-addiction of gambling, he has made a financial mess of any future we may have in retirement, and he has lied to God and our church leaders and is no longer a member of our church.
So, yep….I am pretty ticked off. I am now 54 years old, in poor health, have an STD thanks to his habits, unemployed and unemployable because of my severe anxiety and PTSD and alone….very, very alone. So…here I am blogworld. I am on a journey. An exploration to find a way out of this quagmire of crap that I did not ask for, did not create and do not want to deal with. Nonetheless…I have not been given a choice. I have to deal wth it. But, I will be doing so, for the first time in my life, for completely selfish reasons…and reasons of survival. I selfishly want to survive and have a real life. I want to know what normal prople do and think and feel. I want to know what it feels like to be loved…or at least find out if, for someone as damaged as I, that is even possible. I will blog on my progress and setbacks. I would appreciate any insight form anyone else going through this same painful transistion of life. I don’t know how long I can keep it up or if anyone even cares. but, I am going to try. Peace…..