This whole blogging thing takes some getting used to…I keep forgetting that it’s here “insert sheepish grin here”
So, in the last few weeks, since my raging rant and first blog entry (hello world, this is me..raw and unplugged!) there have been some really good days and some pretty horrible ones.
The bad days have centered on the man who has ruined my life..we’ll call him Will. He insists on trying to insinuate himself into my life and is so narcissistic that he is completely oblivious to what his actions do to others around him. He continues, despite a written down safety plan co-authored by our respective therapists, to manipulate, play games and attempt to gaslight me thru his lies and deceit. What he doesn’t understand is that I have learned, albeit the hardest way, that it is all BS. That any action, reaction, word, look, thought or idea that comes from him has an ulterior motive, is couched in deceit, or has a hidden agenda to either protect or benefit him and only him. This I know now. Intellectually and logically in my reasonable mind. However…and this is where it gets ugly….my emotional mind starts to interfere. Dammit! That is where the pain, the anger and the backsliding into old habits begins. That is when I begin to break boundaries and contact him outside of the safety plan parameters. That is when he wins over my recovery, over my safety and over my sanity. That is when the trigger is pulled, the bullet finds its target and I am in survival mode again, struggling for my life. Those are very, very bad days.
I have added a new therapist to my recovery suggested by my awesome trauma specialist. She is an amazing provider of DBT and EMDR therapies and has included me into her DBT group therapy. She is not a CSAT but is working with my trauma therapist and I feel that I have a whole team surrounding me to comprehensively support and sustain me and push me forward in recovery. Additionally, I have embraced the therapist, speaker and author Brene Brown and am enrolled in her online course Living Brave. My good days are when I remember that I am my own person and that Will is the sick twisted addict that is the perpetrator of my pain…I am simply the good hearted person who tried with everything that I was and am to help him, love him and forgive him again and again for almost 40 years. Not because I’m a fool, or an enabler or a co-dependent…but because I am a nice person. A good person. A decent, caring, loving human being who has tried to live my life with integrity and honesty. I will continue to strive for more good days because I want to eliminate the anger that Will triggers and replace it with the kindness that I had before he crushed it. I will do it regardless of what he does. Our divorce is final in less than a month. I think that will be a good day too.