I have the cutest grandchildren in the world. No, no…I won’t respond to any argument on that subject. They are the most adorable, loving, and brightest children ever. The fact that they think Grandma is awesome and truly love me unconditionally may have something to do with my unabashed joy when I am with them.
So, I kicked Will out on d-day because 1.) I was afraid I would have killed him and 2.) It made me physically sick to have him anywhere near me and 3.) We have guns in the house…see number 1. Now, when we have family get togethers, to celebrate birthdays or holidays, things are…..um……awkward. You see, the safety plan disallows us to actually speak to each other so we only text one another during a 30 minute window once a week. When we actually see each other in person, it’s just weird.
Well, we had a little birthday dinner for a granddaughter who just turned three. We had dinner…that was fine. He tried to talk to me a couple of times, but I really didn’t have anything to say to him. We had cake and celebrated our little sweetie’s three glorious years in our family, and it was fun. But, there is an underlying tension, weirdness, uncomfortable ickiness whenever he is around. Regardless of the occasion. I am triggered…mostly managed by DBT skills and sheer stubbornness at this point, but it still happens. I don’t know if the kids or grandkids feel or notice the weirdness as much as me. I haven’t asked and I wonder if I should. I wish it wasn’t there but it is not something I can control…after all…it wasn’t weird until we knew he was a liar and a cheat…THEN….yeah….weird.
So, as I got ready to go home, he (and my kids-traitors!) insisted he walk me to my car because it had snowed and they didn’t want me to fall. I find it ironic that people want to protect me from physical harm by sending me out with Will…the one person who is capable of absolutely shattering me emotionally. Honestly, I’d take a couple of broken bones any day. He reached for my arm but it made my stomach turn at the thought of him touching me so he settled for holding the back of my coat. I made it to my car and could not get in and shut the door quick enough. He stood by my car door and just looked at me. I started my car and just waved goodbye. I’m not sure what he expected. A warm hug? A friendly peck on the cheek? Polite conversation? I think a few months ago, I would have done one or all of those things…because that would have been a nice thing to do…regardless of how sickening the idea was to me. But now? After therapy, finding my voice, understanding my truth and knowing my mind….I think he is lucky that I didn’t “accidentally” run over him as I drove off. 😏
Anyway, my point is this: these amazing people are OUR family..both of us. We will always share them. It might always be weird when we have family get togethers, but I realized it’s not weird because of me. The weird part is because he is there. He is the one who stepped out of the loving family circle and betrayed all of these people who loved him so much. He is the one that nobody really knows. Our family ties were knotted tight…until Will severed it. Our family has begun to weave back together that knot and it is not nearly as tight or secure. I am still not completely in the loop because of my trauma and the changes in me. Will is still a loose end. I have a lot of resentment towards him because of that….I don’t like being out of the loop and I hate loose ends. Just one more thing that I have to surrender and learn patience toward.
In the meantime, I find that I can comfort myself in the knowledge that I am working on small little ties that are binding us together again by healing myself and working on all the relationships with the adult kids. They too are finding ways to heal and, with time, my hope is that our knots will be tighter than ever. What Will does is his choice. He has his own rope…he can be at the end of it, hang himself with it, or throw it out as a lifeline. All I know is that he will not be allowed to restrain me or any of us with his ties to addiction ever again.