Only the Lonely

…or weird stuff I do now that I live alone

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I was eighteen when I got married…and pregnant. I moved from my teenager bedroom in my mother’s house into our first apartment together as a married couple. By the time Will started to go on Temporary Duty (TDY) with the military, we already had kids. I have never truly lived alone. Until now. Now it’s just me and my dog. It’s very…quiet. I’m not used to quiet. I’m used to loud, and hectic, and busy, and bustle, and active. Sometimes the quiet is deafening as they say. After d-day, I couldn’t bear the noise of television, music was out of the question (triggers much?), and pretty much everyone I knew became rather scarce. In fairness, I became an expert in isolationism. The WORLD…ya know…OUT THERE…..just too much for me to deal with. I appreciated the calm and quiet. But now, well. Quiet and calm has been replaced by loneliness.

I have discovered that when one is lonely, or maybe just alone,  self amusement takes an odd turn. There is also a certain freedom. There is no one to comment or judge and that provides a certain liberty that was heretofore never experienced by this girl. For instance, here are a few things that I find myself doing at home, alone now, that I never used to do:

~I sing along LOUDLY (and badly) to whatever I want to, whenever I want to

~I don’t always wear my robe…I sometimes walk naked from the bathroom to the         bedroom. **gasp!**

~I talk to my dog…a lot…and I am fairly certain he understands every. single. word.

~If my tushy or my boob itches, I scratch it. No shame.

~I don’t shut the bathroom door when I use the potty.

~I talk to the people on T.V. I’ve been silent long enough and the politicians and  pundits have had it coming!

~I dance in my kitchen. (This is usually in conjunction with the above mentioned loud singing)

~I talk to myself…I have always done that, but now, I find that I am pretty good company. I crack myself up!

~I stretch out and sleep in the middle of my king sized bed. I do not stay on “my side” and I use ALL the pillows. It’s glorious!

~I laugh out loud at silly Facebook posts and funny movies…and then tell my dog what was so funny.

~I eat chips in bed. Crumbs be damned!

~And…ya know, I have even conquered the loneliness beast enough now that I occasionally take myself out to a movie or dinner on my own…and I am Ok.

Dont get me wrong, I miss having a someone around to bounce stuff off of. To share a meal, or lighten the load. I miss having a companion to hang out with and go and do stuff with…BUT…given the fact that the guy I thought was my best friend for the last almost forty years was never really here anyway and wasn’t at all who I thought he was, well, I’m happy with my alternative. I’m not so bad to hang around and I am definitely in a much better place. If my choice is either peace, quiet and a little loneliness OR stress, gaslighting, lies, deceit, worry, fear, and hurt…well…no brainer. And if I’m a little crazy…I’m ok with that too. 😜

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4 thoughts on “Only the Lonely

  1. I think it’s so important to rediscover yourself again and it’s no surprise that you are learning just how fun and amazing you are. It’s easy to forget all those things in the pain of betrayal. The more you see those truths the more you can truly wrap your head and heart around the fact that your husband’s actions were do to his deficets and shortcomings and had Nothing at all to do with you! Keep having a great time hanging out with the incredible, strong, You!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. just read your blog – cannot believe your mother abandoned you at the same time you were dealing with all of this. That’s just awful. Like you say however, no use dwelling just keep forging ahead and you are doing great!

    Liked by 1 person

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