Sex, Lies and Statistics

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I had an appointment on Monday with the psychiatrist who is monitoring my medications. I don’t particularly like this guy but because of my insurance, I have to see him once every three months in order to get my prescriptions. I will say this: I am nearly always triggered in some way after seeing him and this time was horrible. The reason is simple. Unlike my CSAT and DBT therapists, this guy is very much pushing me towards divorce. He believes that my only chance at wholeness is to sever all ties with Will and start over with someone “normal.” He truly thinks that the decision to postpone the divorce until we were both more stable is counter to healing. He began to tell me how Will would never be healed and this prompted a whole host of doubts and trust issues and self questioning……on and on…..so….yeah….

I tortured myself for a couple of days and am now in my own bubble of research mania. I found the following on the Health Research Funding website from a study done in November 2014…I gotta say….I’m more than a little concerned…

39 Sexual Addiction Recovery Statistics

Psychological Articles and Infographics Nov 7, 2014 

Statistics on Sexual Addiction Recovery
1. The estimated number of people who have a sexual addiction in the United States alone: 12 to 30 million.
2. 80% of women who have a husband or partner that has been diagnosed with a sexual addiction suffered from depression in a recent study.
3. 4 out of 10 women say that they withdraw their emotional connections to a partner with a sexual addiction.
4. The percentage of women who developed an eating disorder after discovering the actions of a partner with a sexual addiction: 60%.
5. The chances of a spontaneous remission of sexual addiction occurring: 1 in 100,000.
6. It is believed that only 5% of addicts who go into therapy will be able to succeed in beating their addiction, although this figure is disputed.
7. The year when a sexual addiction was first officially diagnosed under modern criteria: 1983.
8. Sexual addictions may be either paraphilic or nonparaphilic.
9. There is no 1 test that can conclusively prove that someone has a sexual addiction.
10. It is common among those with Bipolar Disorder to engage in high-risk sexual activities during manic states.
11. Victims of childhood sexual abuse often repeat pattern of abuse in a subconscious attempt to gain control over their childhood trauma.
12. People who are questioning their own sexuality tend to engage in activities that are similar to a sexual addiction, but may not qualify as an actual addiction.
13. People with Borderline Personality Disorder engage in unsafe sexual activities as a general pattern of self-injurious behavior.
14. Men with Aspergers Syndrome often exhibit out-of-control sexual behaviors.

15. The most common feeling that a partner with a sexual addiction has is betrayal. The most common feeling that an addict has is shame.
16. Sexual addiction appeared in a 1987 copy of the DSM, but it has been since removed.
17. Sex addicts lose time to their addiction, becoming preoccupied with their thoughts about sex and sexual materials that they have at their disposal. Everything comes after their addictions have been satisfied.
18. Most sexual addicts operate on a cash-only basis because most of the ways to satisfy their addiction don’t allow for credit card charges.
19. A vast majority of sex addicts will rarely be single and often have a history of cheating withing their relationships.
20. Most sex addicts lead a double life and lying is a common occurrence.
21. 1 out of 3 men self-report that they are addicted to pornography.
22. The pornography industry alone generates $12 billion of revenue per year.
23. 66% of Internet-using 18- to 34-year-old men look at online pornography at least once a month.
24. 70% of Internet pornographic traffic occurs during the 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Workday.
25. The percentage of internet sites that are pornographic in nature right now: 12%.
26. 2.5 billion emails per day are pornographic related in some way.
27. More than half of the men who identify themselves as an Evangelical Christian admit that they have an addiction to pornography and used it in the last week for self satisfaction.
28. 55% of Christian pastors admitted to visiting a pornographic site.
29. Sex addiction is not about physical contact but as a way of alleviating pain, relief from depression or anxiety, or a form of escapism, addicts tend to avoid problems through sex.
30. In the UK, an average of 2,000 calls per month come from people who are seeking help from their addictions to sex.
31. As people grow older, issues with medication may cause sexual addictions or the inability to control sexual desires.
32. The average male sexual addict has 32 sexual partners.
33. The number of sexual partners, on average, for a female sexual addict: 22.
34. 98% of sex addicts have participated in at least some form of phone sex at least once.
35. The percentage of sex addicts that have used Skype in order to have video sex over the internet: 74%.
36. The percentage of sex addicts who say that they have not had a one night stand: 2%.
37. 7 out of 10 married sex addicts say that they’ve been able to convince their spouse to participate in swinging activities.
38. 94% of sex addicts have filmed themselves having sex.
39. 3 out of 4 addicts have admitted that they regularly post naked photos of themselves online.

Number 6 is the one that has me concerned. Here is my bottom line: I do not want to be married to a man that will “recover” only to the point that he can restrain himself from acting out sexually with others. I want a husband who looks at me and feels love. Who wants and desires ONLY me and cherishes all that I am both physically and emotionally. Who doesn’t have to constantly monitor his every glance, every thought and every desire because he is so easily aroused by every other woman he comes into contact with. I do not want to be married to a man that has to work really, really hard to love me. I want to be the focus of his desire…I don’t want to have to compete for it. Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong for a woman to want her husband, the man she has promised to love, honor and cherish, to expect a wholehearted commitment in return? The act of fidelity means nothing to me if his heart is not in it. And…..how will I ever know?

 

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13 thoughts on “Sex, Lies and Statistics

  1. Wow, after over two years of being immersed in sex addiction discovery, education, and recovery with my husband, some of those statistics confuse and confound me, and then again, some of them make total sense. As far as number 6 and that even number 6 says that number 6 is disputed should probably tell you something. I do not know where “they” get these statistics. Regardless of all that though, and the comment by the psychiatrist that you should be with someone “normal,” is that I believe sex addicts often believe, while they are still giving in to their addiction through sexual gratification, that they are two different people. There is the one person who knows the vows he took and he believes them and desperately wanted the whole of him to live them, and then there is the broken person who gives in to his addiction, and has since he was a child, for numerous reasons including habit, loneliness, fear, anxiety, shame, and the list goes on and on. In my case, both of those personalities residing inside my husband loved me and desired me and wanted to be with only me as a life partner. Unfortunately, the addict that resided in there used sex to cope long before he met me. He promised himself every single time that it would be his last. He hated himself and knew he wanted to change. I am not making excuses for him, just stating what I honestly believe. I do not, frankly, understand how people can live this way. I am not an addict. I think your bottom paragraph is pretty rhetorical, so I am obviously just sharing my opinion from my own limited experience, but I think you are speaking about the difference between “white knuckling” through an addiction rather than actually recovering from addiction. Actually recovering, replacing old bad ways of thinking and habits with new good ones actually retrains the frontal lobe of the brain. I believe it is possible. One of the most heartening aspects of my husband’s recovery is the fact that he found a really good 12 step meeting that includes many recovered men who have been with their wives for decades, and who have now been sober and in actual real recovery for many years, 6, 8, 9, 12 years for some of them. They still attend meetings because it is part of the process and it helps remind them of where they once were, and they sponsor other men and give back. Leigh, I bet his heart is in it… it is his brain that is the concern. Does he have the stamina and the resources to replace the bad with the good, every single day for the rest of his life. This will never be about how much he adores you, which I’m sure he does. This will always be about a sickness inside him that, yes, only he has the power to cure, himself using the resources he chooses. It is not wrong to expect a wholehearted commitment. But they are different from us. They have stuff inside their heads that we will never really understand. This is a rough journey and as others have said to me when I wrote almost those same exact words above, there are no guarantees. Use your instincts. The answers won’t all come at once in a pretty package, but stay or go, day by day… this will all make more sense. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you Kat..your post made me cry. I hate this uncertainty..it is excruciating. I want so much to hope but am even more afraid to be hurt anymore. I honestly don’t think I would survive any further betrayal. *hugs*

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      1. I am sorry I made you cry, you don’t need any more sad tears in your day. Realizing we have different stories, if you are anything like me, you will get to a point where you realize you can survive that kind of betrayal (and thrive in spite of it) because it is not a reflection of you in any way… the addiction and the sex is a sick drug. That being said, I hope for both of your sakes that you never even have to think about further betrayal. That will mean he is not strong enough for you in the time you needed him to be, in the light of day, with the truth out there in front of you. You deserve better than to live in fear of being let down again in that way. We all do deserve better. Sending so many hugs your way. xxxxxxxx

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  2. I don’t know Leigh. I wish all of this was so much easier. So much work has to be done by the addict.

    their brains need to be rewired and thinking patterns need to be changed. They need to learn new, healthy coping methods, so that they do not retreat to fantasy. God only knows what else they need. It’s so overwhelming.

    I’m so sorry that you’re triggered by the appointments with the psychiatrist. I know the research you did is overwhelming but it’s also another indicator of how amazing your strength and resiliency is!

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    1. Thanks Kaye….the not knowing what to believe is the worst. Already not being 100% secure in trusting myself after so many decades of being gaslighted and deceived and second guessing…well, this is just so hard. Thank you for your kind words. *hugs*

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  3. You could try to see a good family doctor instead of a psychiatrist for your medications. Or tell your psychiatrist how you feel so he or she can adjust to your needs.

    We do get better; we can love deeply and behave with integrity but it takes awhile to form new was of being. That being said, you have only one life, and you have a right to choose a partner who is a better fit for you.

    Speaking from my own experience, it helped when my husband and I were clear about what we would and would not disclose/share with each other. That moved sex addiction a little bit to the side of our marriage which was a very good thing at that time.

    GP

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi GP…I do wish I could just see my primary care doc for meds but I am mandated by my insurance to see this guy…so frustrating! I think I will just play nice until he releases me from care and I can go back to regular care. Thank you for your kind words 😊

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  4. Leigh, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry that so many of us have to endure this pain and suffering. I’d never have thought!!! 😦 Maybe it would help if could find the strength to tell your doctor to leave you alone with his advices, tell him how it makes you feel. You most definitely don’t have to decide this now. You deserve to focus solely on your own self, your own healing – please try to do that if you can. Your last paragraph is my struggle exactly – and it will be for some more time to come. We deserve so much better than this crappy prospect, huh? 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I spoke at length yesterday with my CSAT and we decided that we will just leave the advice he gives regarding this whole mess right where it belongs…in the trash can in his office. I trust my CSAT…she is the expert and has come up with a few ideas regarding how I can work through some of my questions that just don’t seem to have answers. I’ll likely blog about that if it proves helpful. Thanks for your input..I value this community of women that know EXACTLY the struggles that I face. Xoxo

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