I’m broken. Shattered. Splintered into a million tiny shards of who I used to be. So much that I no longer remember how I used to be. Did I laugh a lot? Did the smallest thing always make me cry? Did I always look at every man and think “He probably cheats on his wife” or at other women and think, “I bet she sleeps with married men.” Has my brain always been this disjointed in thought….flitting from one idea to the next like some kind of crazy mind pinball machine? No….no… This is what betrayal has done. What Will has done to me. I am changed.
I try sometimes to remember what life used to be like before I knew. I can’t because that life wasn’t real. That life is now sullied and tainted with the filth and dirt of Will’s deceit. That old life too is shattered and splintered. Everything, then and now, is colored with the broad brush of infidelity. Lying. Cheating…..Pain.
Trying to get out of this brokenness is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I fight daily with my doubts. I question everyday if I am strong enough. If I care enough. Can I ever be free of the pain. And, ya know, some days I am strong and I do care and I don’t feel as much pain. But not everyday. Not yet. I question if it will EVER be everyday…or just most days…or just some days…like now.
I can never ‘not know’ about sex addiction. I can’t erase the knowledge that Will betrayed the most sacred thing between two people..over and over and over. I will never get 36 years back..a whole lifetime really. I can never be clean and free of disease again. So, what is left for me?
All I can do is become stronger. I can keep trying to care. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can keep believing in myself. I can hold on to my faith. I can learn and grow with everything that I have been through. I can let my experience refine me and not define me. I can take my broken pieces and be a kaleidoscope of beautiful colors and shapes and become even more amazing than I was before.