Meltdown

 

imageAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! I am so upset with myself. I had been doing so well. Fairly well. Ok, better anyway, with the whole no contact/safety plan/limited communication agreement with Will. Then all the little niggling triggers started happening. I kept telling myself that they didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that EMDR processing brought up the day my mom confessed that she didn’t really love me like she loved my sister. I could handle that.  D-day of course was in that mix somewhere but I have been processing that for months. So what if I had to have a procedure done because HSV also spreads to the rectum in the form of constantly bleeding painful hemorrhoids? I’m tough and they gave me good drugs. Yeah, so, Will sent me roses…ROSES…for my birthday. I already knew he could be a cruel,insensitive jerk. So why, then? Why did I break the communication boundary on Friday and try to call Will, and text him, outside of our set time? To answer that, I did a chain analysis and it all came back to June 5th.

The first week of June, a couple weeks after d-day and I was still in shock. I was walking around in a CPTSD fog only I didn’t know that’s what it was. I had a doctors appointment with my primary care physician. A kindly P.A. He has been our family doctor for about 15 years. It was horrible, humiliating, and embarrassing telling him of my need for a full STD screening and why. I started to cry and couldn’t stop. He was sympathetic and concerned. He asked me if I could stay in the clinic so that he could have the psychologist on duty visit with me. I agreed. I went out into the very crowded waiting room. The night before, Will had leaked another “little” disclosure. Only one additional sex partner. At this point what was one more after the 30 or so right? This one was difficult. My sister.  I truly think I was in some sort of shock. I was definitely sleep deprived. I was absolutely not a fully mentally functioning human being.  As I sat in the waiting room, trying to calm myself, my mom called me. At this time, she did not know anything about anything. She started to prattle on and on about our upcoming family reunion in July. I tried several times to interrupt her inane chattering to let her know gently, that we would not be coming. Finally, I practically yelled in the phone, “We aren’t coming in July, Mom!” She immediately got defensive, telling me everyone would be there, it was all planned, blah, blah, guilt, guilt….I blurted it all out. Will’s betrayal over so many decades, the pain I was in, how I was so devastated. She was convinced that the best thing for me was to come home and be with her …and my sister!  I started to really sob and told her about Will and my sister. She blustered, she hemmed and hawed, she finally ran out of words. All of the sudden she had nothing in the way of comfort or support or sympathetic suggestions. Now, just for the record, I am an adopted child, my older sister was as well. THIS sister..this betraying sister, is my mom’s only natural child.  Growing up, I was always assured that I was every bit as loved as this natural child. I always wanted to believe it…so I did.  But this reaction felt…alienating, lonely…it smelled like abandonment. I needed to get off the phone. We said goodbye and I sat there trying to compose myself.  15 minutes later, my phone began to vibrate…incessantly. It was my sister. She was attacking me. She was profane, and out of control, and abusive. After 2 bad marriages, she felt like her new relationship was being threatened. She was denying everything and accusing me and Will of trying to destroy her life. (because that’s reasonable?!?!) I started to crumble, I began to shake and sob uncontrollably. I couldn’t remember how to block a number. I couldn’t even remember how to turn my phone off. I called Will. He was being bombarded as well. He was finally able to block her number on our joint account. Then my mom called me again. She had called my sister. She was calling me back to ask why I would tell such an awful story. I told her it was not a story, that Will would be taking a lie detector test, that it was part of disclosure etc. She said she didn’t want anything to do with this “disgusting business” and would not discuss it. She did not believe anything ever happened between my sister and Will. I then asked her the one question I had had in my heart my whole life. I asked, “Why do you believe her and not me?” She said, ” Because she is my daughter.” I then said that I thought I was her daughter too. She snapped at me and said, “You KNOW what I mean!” Yeah, I did. I knew that she meant that my sister was her real daughter and there never was any equality in her love for us. I think I always knew. It broke me. A nurse noticed me, so much in distress, and took me back to a treatment room. I didn’t make it all the way. Somewhere along the way, I collapsed. My legs gave out. All my strength left and I literally was unable to go on. Well, I don’t remember a lot about the next couple of hours but I was given Xanax, a psychologist talked to me and when I was let go, my daughter was there to make sure I got home OK. After arriving home, Will showed up. My daughter hesitantly came into my room to tell me he was there…she did not know how I would react. I immediately got up, practically ran to the front porch and collapsed into his arms. He held me as I cried and cried. He cried and held me in his lap on the front porch swing.  My brain kept telling me that this was so sick, so wrong! This was the man that had betrayed me, hurt me, broken my heart! But my heart was comforted and my soul began to calm. His arms around me had always been my safe place…

So, last week, after the EMDR, after the roses, after the pain in my ass (literally!), it was the Friday before my 55th birthday. I got a card from my mother in the mail. I sent her a letter 6 months ago asking her to respect my pain and privacy and to please leave me alone. I thanked her for raising me and basically said goodbye. So, inside this birthday card, she wrote, “I hope you have grown up a little and are ready to talk to me. I am here whenever you are done with your tantrum” At that moment, all the little triggers added up. All I could think of was Will’s arms…my safe place. I called him…repeatedly. I texted him..repeatedly. Every time he didn’t respond, I got more and more anxious. I felt myself escalate and I couldn’t stop it. I was heading for a full blown PTSD episode. Now, for the record, I don’t drink. I say that so that this next part  has the proper emphasis. I drove to the liquor store, I bought booze. I came home, I drew a hot bath and I had talked myself into believing that a nice hot bubble bath and a drink would calm me down! BIG BUCKET OF NOPE, I had one drink, then another, then another….I started obsessing even more over Will..desperately needing that hug. I got out, got dressed, called a cab and went to Will’s. I thought he would open the door, see me and take me in his arms…just like he did on June 5th. No. Not even close. He was sticking to the damn safety plan. He just stood there looking at me with this closed face. I was drunk, I was in the middle of an episode…I verbally unleashed on him. He just sat there looking at me. At some point I threw my drink at him (yes, I had brought it with me in a paper cup) I was angry. I called a cab and when it got there, I didn’t want to leave. Will shoved me out his door and down the step. I hit the ground. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried all the way home. I cried myself to sleep. I cried most of the day on Saturday..my birthday. I have never had a worse birthday. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a worse meltdown. My therapist is unsure she wants to continue working with me. I wonder if I am beyond hope. I wonder if people will ever stop abandoning me. I wonder if anyone will ever love me. So far being 55 and alone sucks.

I still want a hug.

 

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27 thoughts on “Meltdown

  1. OMG. I don’t know what to say, but I can’t just say nothing. I wish I could get to you right now and hold you and hug you. I guess I don’t understand any of this. How could your therapist not want to work with you? You are a compelling case of CPTSD, someone who truly needs the compassion, understanding, and counseling of a trained professional. Who would abandon that?! I don’t understand these marital boundaries. You and Will were life partners for many years and he was/is able to provide you comfort outside of his sex addiction/treatment. I know there is some therapeutic reason for this kind of separation that I don’t understand, but I can’t believe the rules dictate Will must be cruel to you??? Like tough love for the traumatized spouse? Is this some kind of “co-dependent” tough love? No, I don’t get it. Unfortunately I do sort of understand the horrible parenting as I have seen that with my husband’s parents. He has no contact. They are his blood parents and they know nothing of his addiction and he has not blamed them for his troubles, at least not to them and they still said they were disgusted with him and would take his name away from him if they could, so yeah, I understand having to disconnect from that kind of harmful behavior, but are you ever going to try to reconcile with your husband? If so, it would be a tough pill for me to swallow knowing not only did he abandon you through his addiction, but he also abandoned you in your healing? I don’t care what the “rules” say… who wrote those rules anyway??? Sorry, Leigh, I am confused, and pissed off for you. It soubds like you have come out of the trauma a bit, but with no help from anyone. What is your safety net? Who is supposed to be helping you through? After all these years of being mistreated, you can’t just do this alone. ♥️♥️♥️

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    1. Oh Kat..I can always count on you to get me! Yeah, I am frustrated and feeling very much abandoned and lonely. My therapist is trying to get me into an in-patient facility as a way to provide real distance between Will and I. I guess that is my safety net…that and my family who are just so torn up thru all of this. It hurts me to even think about it! Hopefully insurance will cover in-patient because we are close to foreclosure and bankruptcy thanks to Will’s addictions. It is very, very difficult to have hope some days. Requesting good thoughts sent my way!

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      1. Oh, I am definitely sending good vibes and thoughts. I am sorry you cannot count on Will. Do you believe you are co-dependent and therefore these rules are set for your own health & safety? Again, I don’t mean to pry, but I am confused. Is your marriage over and therefore you want nothing more from Will emotionally? I can understand not wanting to rely on him for healing when it comes to his addiction, but potentially he is the one that understands the pain you are experiencing from the abuse of your mother. You should not have to go through this alone. If in-patient therapy is what you want for yourself, I hope you can make it work. You are far from alone in your thoughts, feelings, and trauma on this. I know there are many of us who understand how you feel. My thoughts will be with you and I am so sorry that you are suffering so. You will survive this and be stronger for it. Sending love your way!

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      2. Leigh & Kat, I am also confused. It just doesn’t make any sense to cut off a traumatised person and leave her out in the cold and alone. WTF?!!! (shoveling snow, mopping up burst pipes, finding the dog, fixing the fence, going mad with agony and sobbing alone?!)

        Obviously I don’t know the details but what has Will done since dday that makes him unsafe for you? (other than the horrifying obvious) Surely being able to talk through WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO TALK THROUGH, WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO is your basic human right..? Unless Will is REALLY unsafe and a REAL physical or mental threat to you?

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      3. Jangled and Kat..she believes that we don’t communicate in a healthy way, that Will just triggers me further. I think that I may have some co-dependent tendencies but it is difficult to seperate that from just being married. After nearly 40 years together, it is hard for me to understand that it is wrong to want to rely on that person with whom you’ve spent all that time. So, yeah, I guess it’s a process. It’s all very confusing and frustrating. I appreciate you both! Xoxo

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  2. I admit that because I never associated with being co-dependent and I was treated by those trained in the trauma model, it is difficult for me to differentiate true co-dependent characteristics from being traumatized by being married to a sex addict. My husband is most definitely co-dependent. He was trained to be co-dependent by his family. He is still a bit co-dependent with me, but he is working on it. There is so much abuse that goes along with being the wife of a sex addict… and I was not aware of any cheating in the past, so I do not blame myself in any way for staying with a cheater. I didn’t know he was a cheater. Regardless though, I do understand co-dependency in non-marital relationships having gone through therapy myself to disconnect emotionally from my sister’s borderline personality disorder. I do, however, still have a loving relationship with her. I never relied on her for any of my strength and safety, but I did try to help her, I did somehow believe that I could help make her happy. Of course I now know that to be a fantasy. With marriage, it is so very difficult and I guess I can sort of see the therapists wanting you to heal on your own without the co-dependent type behaviors from someone who has traumatized you, HOWEVER, when you are in crisis for something that is not related to Will’s addictive acting out behaviors, I do not understand him turning you away. Who is his higher power in this situation? I think he has given over common sense to a bunch of therapists. Of course I am not a therapist, but I have lived in similar shoes to yours (certainly not the same by any stretch of the imagination) and I would be much more concerned about you harming yourself, potentially unintentionally, in a situation like the one you describe above than being harmed by his addiction. He should be able to comfort you. He is your life partner of 40 years. If things were all bad, you would not have stayed with him. I realize the therapists can say you stayed because you are co-dependent and only you, Leigh, can answer that. I know we all must carve out our own path, but I believe part of my husband’s issues stem from him allowing people to control him and parts of his life. He does that now with the therapists. I am so stubborn, it just burns me when he doesn’t stand up for himself as I believe that is the overall goal and somehow therapy actually stunts that sometimes. BUT, you writing the above tells me that you experienced additional trauma, not necessarily related to Will’s sex addiction, and then you turned to him for comfort and he did not provide any, and you did not come away from this with the feeling that you are now stronger for having been abandoned by this man. If you were saying here that you were glad he held the boundaries and you respected him for it, and you dug deep inside and there was your safety, fine. Maybe it would have worked out the way it happened. But it didn’t. You needed someone and in your trauma you chose Will and Will was not there. No doubt Will would say he was “following the rules.” Maybe the rules did not leave room for reality. When you are traumatized, you don’t think rationally. I know this. I have felt this. I have done irrational things in the name of trauma, but my husband did hug and hold me (and take me to the Emergency Room) and he was there and that was all I needed at the time… to know he was there, that he wanted to be there, and he stayed and didn’t run away when HE could have, means a lot to me. There have been many days when I didn’t want him there, and he did his best to become invisible. Anyway, sorry for rambling on, I know how difficult it is for us to know what is right and to stand up for what is right when we are traumatized, but Leigh, the situation you were in is very dangerous. Any word on the in-patient program? xoxo

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    1. Dearest Kat…your words resonate with me and ring truer than most things I hear anywhere else. I feel exactly the way you describe yet am being told that it is co-dependent. I don’t feel like I am co-dependent…I feel like I am married. I feel like I am committed to another person for better or worse, sickness or health. I am not sure where the line is crossed and it is impossible for anyone to give me the answer. I am truly at a loss. Still working on the inpatient thing. Still waiting for answers. Thank you for your kind words and your amazing spirit and support. Xoxo❤️

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      1. ❤ I hope you know in my words that I do not want to traumatize you further and it is so difficult under the circumstances you are in to trust your own instincts. However, you should not have to feel alone and abandoned while you are finding your way back to you. You cannot become strong within yourself all by yourself at this point. The rules of your separation from Will feel very isolating and not conducive to repairing the marriage. I have been reading on a few blogs lately about these separations and rigid restrictions on communication. I did think about this when I asked the CSAT (wife of a sex addict) last week what she thought and she, like me, felt like it was very old school co-dependent thinking and so I guess I am still very confused. I believe you do know what is best for you and I personally do think that healing can occur together, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. But, it concerns me a great deal Will's response. Again, I am not a rule breaker by nature, unless I don't believe in the rules. If you believe in the rigidness of the rules you have both agreed to, then you definitely need other people to help you through. If you don't believe in the rules, you should change the rules. For me, there is no one who understands me like my life partner, my best friend, my husband. So of course I come at this with bias. I agree with Kaye though too, you are doing amazingly well. The trauma episodes happen whether we like it or not, but they can be very dangerous even if we don't intend them to be. I learned this the hard way. More virtual hugs for you today, Leigh. xoxo

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      2. I know your words are intended to comfort and support and they do…more than you can possibly imagine! I emailed my therapist and requested that she read this post and some of the comments as I feel you and Kaye and jangled have expressed what I am feeling better than I have. I don’t know that she will have the time to read any of it but I hope she does. I would love to get her feedback so that I can make some sense of it in my own mind. And…it looks like the inpatient is on. Maybe starting this weekend. I will let you know. *hugs*

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  3. Leigh- I’m so sorry for everything that happened. Reading this, my heart is breaking for you! I completely understand wanting comfort from your husband even when he’s the one who has caused you all the pain! It makes no sense to others but it also does makes sense to mebecause while he was being self serving you were trusting that he cared for you- those beliefs just don’t instantly fade. Its natural that you still want to be comforted by him. He caused the pain and you love him and want him to help you through it- it makes sense friend.
    All the stuff with your mom just needs to be ignored right now- the only person that deserves your compassion and attention now is YOU.
    I know when episodes like this happen you feel lost and untethered but you’re not. Your trauma was profound and your response to it will be profound at times too. Overall I think you’re doing amazingly well. You are doing amazingly well. I would give you a hug too.

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  4. I am so sorry to read what you have been going through. Experiencing these meltdowns where we are flooded with pain and hurt can be so horrifying and yet to be alone it must be so much worse.
    I am so sorry your mother has trivialised you. She is certainly lacking empathy for you. I think we all need to remove contact with people who can hurt us further as I have had to do with a sister.
    I just speak from my experience here. It is hard when we feel traumatised as to what is the right thing to do. We are no longer rational thinkers and we become extremely emotional and we just need comfort and support and understanding. In my situation having my husband there not only to comfort but also to see and experience the pain we are going through has been a big part of healing for both of us. I do not think I would be where I am today if we had used the safety net you describe. I am sorry but I just don’t agree with that concept unless you are certain that you don’t ever want to have contact with him again. I too have gone through periods where I never want to have anything to do with him and I just get so angry with him and even hate him for his selfish attitude….I call these episodes my unhinged state. Then as the days go by I calm down and I start to think with some clarity and it is usually n this period that by talking with husband we manage to discuss everything and anything and we heal. We understand. We connect.
    At one point I questioned this with my therapist. Am I going crazy? Is this normal? I feel so unhinged and it happens so quickly….how can this be? His advice? Just keep talking and process your way through unhinged episodes because it is part of normal healing.
    I suspect Will was following his guidelines to show you that he can keep to the rules. This is where I think the safety plan falls down as it is no avenue to having support from Will nor is it in any way a help to healing.
    I know these are traumatic times and it is hard to think clearly but how do you honestly and instinctively feel about the safety plan?
    I hope the inpatient facility is a calm and soothing place and that it brings you some relief. I entered a facility at the five month mark for three weeks. I entered looking and feeling like a zombie but I left that place feeling full of self worth, healthier and happier than I had been in a long time. I wish you the best. Take care xxxxx

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    1. Yes! This is what I struggle with! I just want to be able to speak with him. I feel like the safety plan is only pushing us farther and farther apart and is making divorce a certainty instead of a possibility. I HATE the safety plan but am trying to trust the professionals. It is hard when every instinct, every bit of intuition tells me it is counterproductive to my well being. It just FEELS so wrong. I too hope that inpatient will help. I am worried because I am afraid I will be brainwashed into thinking everything will be ok if I fix myself…I get that, but IM NOT THE ADDICT!!! So, so frustrating!

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      1. Maybe the safety plan needs to be run by some other professionals?
        Yours is the first time I have heard about a plan like this but then again I am only two years into educating myself about infidelity. To me it just did not make sense . I know Will probably stuffed up doing dumb things…they all do. But this is how they learn.
        My husband used to become defensive and argumentative and making excuses for his behaviour. He knew no different. His long life of lies and blame shifting influenced him so much so he had to learn how to behave in a life of honesty. It isn’t easy. What happens now and I will give you the example of his losing his temper the other week. It wasn’t at me but it was about an event and it wasn’t something a normal person would lose their temper at. It was an old ingrained habit of his. It upset me. I disconnect. I put in place consequence…spare room. So he then starts to talk to sponsors and read up. He through his own efforts realises his behaviour is not acceptable. I calm down after a few days and then we start to talk about the incident. It is the learning we receive from this incident and the experience of anger sad trauma etc that we can then move forward and heal. If he wasn’t exposing his stupid behaviour and I was not getting pissed off then we would not be moving forward in healing. This is what the work is about in healing a relationship.
        I know I look at things simplistically but it is the basics of being able to heal. How are you two going to be able to learn to communicate effectively if you aren’t given the chance to make mistakes and learn and work at them?
        Realistically, what is it you want? We all know we can’t have our previous life back but going forward what is it you want?
        A new relationship with Will based on honesty and trust? Is the foundation of your life together, the good times, the family times, the moments you can remember talking and being close …is it strong enough? You can choose to start to rebuild but you will need boundaries. ( eg with my husband these boundaries are clear, no temper outbursts, no sitting next to women on a bus, no flirting…so obvious but also the other less subtle boundaries. He has no right to being defensive about how I am feeling or in any way shift blame etc) and consequences. These are to help you stay safe and for him to play by distinct rules. If he is truly remorseful and willing to work on his addiction as well as to repair the relationship then that is a good place to start. At this stage you really do not know if the relationship will make it but at least you are giving it some hard work. It takes brave people to walk this path.

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      2. LAA, this is how I feel. I just want to be able to talk things thru. I know that Will has never had any boundaries..clearly! But, I just wonder if the boundaries laid down now, the ones barring me further from his life are the appropriate ones. It feels to me like it is just an escalation of the distance he was already gaining in his active addiction. I don’t understand the purpose of it. It’s all so confusing.

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      3. You know I read his blog too so I know it frustrates him as well. And it is confusing because we have never been in this place before and there is advice and opinions everywhere. Bottom line for me in sane moments is to dig deep and go with what my basic gut feeling tells me. If it feels wrong then it well might be. It is like the first few months post d day and everything is just a blur and I didn’t know which way to turn so I relied on the psychologist we were seeing. Some things she told me did not feel right, took me a while to digest it but I ended up leaving her after I ran a few things past my GP who knows me well.
        I hope you are able to find a good healing path for yourself and only you know what is right for you. You have to learn to trust yourself again.

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      4. Ineffectively…..sorry I sent the last one. But I guess the plan was put into place to keep you apart to keep you both safe and at some point it would be removed . maybe drawing up a list of boundaries for both of you to communicate by could be a better fit? Just my opinion here but bringing in safe people to help in situations just felt like spreading the pain to more people. Our families are suffering enough as it is so why bring them in even more. Just my thoughts.

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      5. Yes LAA, it is difficult. For instance, we have to discuss plans for pet care, the house, finances, plane tickets etc if I go for some inpatient treatment. To do so, I have to have our safe person (our son-in-law) meet the both of us and stay while we hash everything out. Our safe person can’t meet til after nine pm. After talking and everything, I am looking at an 11 pm bedtime, my usual 90 minute tossing and turning and finally falling asleep around 1 am. Then I have to be up at 6 to shower and get ready to make the two hour drive to see my therapist. By contrast, if I could just call my husband, I would be on the phone for maybe 30 minutes, then communicate via text and email to work out the details and be in bed by 9:30. But, then, that would make too much sense…🙄

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  5. Leigh- I keep thinking about you and was just wondering how you are doing today? I hope it’s better. I hope you realize too how strong you are- you are not beyond hope. You’ve been hurt so deeply by the person who knows you the most intimately and here you are STILL fighting hard. My prayer for you today has been that one day you can look back at this time and marvel over the strength, fortitude and resiliency that you have shown. You are doing such hard things Leigh and this little community we have here- we are marveling at you right now and we are your cheerleaders.

    One day at a time. One tiny step at a time. Breathe and always know that if you fall you can get up again. You’ve been given a great burden to bear but you are doing well. Don’t ever sell yourself short on that truth!

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    1. Thank you Kaye. This little community as you say is amazing and so supportive. I am so grateful for all of you. Thank you! I am doing a bit better and it looks like I will be going for some in patient treatment for a few weeks. Mostly to help me disconnect completely from Will, but also to work through some trauma. I will post before I go. Thanks again for your sweet concern. It means so much! *hugs*

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  6. Good- I’m glad you’re doing better, even if it’s just a little bit. I will be praying that the inpatient treatment will help greatly with the healing process. I’m sure it has to also be a bit overwhelming too but just remember that you deserve this focused time and attention for you. It will be a good place to work through the trauma not only from the affair but also your mom. Thanks for keeping us posted!

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  7. I am glad to hear you are a bit better and also that you will be going somewhere to help you disconnect. As I mentioned before I went to a facility for three weeks. My daughters found it and organised it for me and hit husband for the bill. Love those girls. I think back and not only was I like the walking dead but my mind was all mashed up . I remember crying a lot for the first few days then as time went on I just started to feel a bit more whole. The centre focused on self worth. In doing so every minute of the day it was all about connecting myself back together again. During this time I had no access to family or husband, no phone, no tv, no magazines, no newspapers, no salt,sugar,gluten,dairy,caffeine. Just a lot of therapy and me time. When I left three weeks later I was in no way healed and I still hated what he had done but at least I felt a whole lot better about myself and knew that through the life coaching that I had received that I was fully prepared to take on reconciliation. Focus on you and what you want and be kind to yourself because you are so worth it. Take care xxx

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    1. Thanks LAA…that’s encouraging. I’m nervous and unsure and a little scared of what to expect. I’m trying to see it as therapeutic running away. Completely sanctioned by my therapist. I’m trying really hard to look forward to it….😳

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      1. It IS very hard to look forward to something like that and be prepared to feel a bit strange at first but have faith that you will come away stronger. We will all be thinking of you. xxx

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