Sometimes, we get a glimpse of reality, sometimes it is more like a hot slap in the face. Mostly for me, lately, it has been a steady and constant “coming to” that has been painful but enlightening, gut-wrenching but freeing.
I had a long talk with my therapist yesterday via phone. She wanted to catch up with me on my AZ stay and also on some of Will’s latest antics. She wants me to go over the safety plan and modify it in areas I feel necessary. This sounds like an easy task to simply add to or take away the things I would or wouldn’t like to see happen regarding communication going forward…..Not so much. This is where reality comes in.
You see, in speaking with my therapist, I got some reality checks regarding Will that I hadn’t known before. Keeping in mind that my therapist and his therapist are released legally to discuss us with each other, I mentioned to my therapist that I felt the safety plan was unusually strict and questioned if that was because Will was a worse case than most people. She disclosed that his was the most egregious case she had ever come across…so yes…the worst. She admitted that in light of several of his actions, even in the last couple of months, that his CSAT didn’t think he could work with him much longer as he was “just not getting it” and had little hope that he ever would. This is why the safety plan was so stringent. Not for punishment or to cause stress in any way, but to keep me safe from Will’s control, manipulation and further damage. Whoa….That is my reality. It is called a SAFETY plan for a reason.
I did some reading…OK, OK…a LOT of reading last night about sociopathology as it relates to addiction. Yes….this is also my reality. I think this is why Will doesn’t “get it” and why he likely never will. My reality is that I not only married an unavailable man because that was who I thought men were (like my abusive adoptive father), I also married a man who was mentally ill (a sociopath) who is incapable of feeling (like my pathologically schizophrenic adoptive father) and who didn’t understand the concept of abandonment of others-only to self (like my adoptive mother). In other words, I chose the perfect storm of a man who my dysfunctional childhood set me up for and stayed with him for 37 years because I didn’t know anything different. Well…reality sucks. It is just so, so sad. What a colossal waste of 37 years of my life. That is the reality that hurts so much. To have tried so hard, believed for so long…all for nothing. But, maybe with this clarity of thought, I can press forward towards a better reality.
In other news, I got a new date for my final orders hearing on our divorce. This one will not be postponed.
That, too, is my reality and I am profoundly sad with it.