Sometimes, we get a glimpse of reality, sometimes it is more like a hot slap in the face. Mostly for me, lately, it has been a steady and constant “coming to” that has been painful but enlightening, gut-wrenching but freeing.
I had a long talk with my therapist yesterday via phone. She wanted to catch up with me on my AZ stay and also on some of Will’s latest antics. She wants me to go over the safety plan and modify it in areas I feel necessary. This sounds like an easy task to simply add to or take away the things I would or wouldn’t like to see happen regarding communication going forward…..Not so much. This is where reality comes in.
You see, in speaking with my therapist, I got some reality checks regarding Will that I hadn’t known before. Keeping in mind that my therapist and his therapist are released legally to discuss us with each other, I mentioned to my therapist that I felt the safety plan was unusually strict and questioned if that was because Will was a worse case than most people. She disclosed that his was the most egregious case she had ever come across…so yes…the worst. She admitted that in light of several of his actions, even in the last couple of months, that his CSAT didn’t think he could work with him much longer as he was “just not getting it” and had little hope that he ever would. This is why the safety plan was so stringent. Not for punishment or to cause stress in any way, but to keep me safe from Will’s control, manipulation and further damage. Whoa….That is my reality. It is called a SAFETY plan for a reason.
I did some reading…OK, OK…a LOT of reading last night about sociopathology as it relates to addiction. Yes….this is also my reality. I think this is why Will doesn’t “get it” and why he likely never will. My reality is that I not only married an unavailable man because that was who I thought men were (like my abusive adoptive father), I also married a man who was mentally ill (a sociopath) who is incapable of feeling (like my pathologically schizophrenic adoptive father) and who didn’t understand the concept of abandonment of others-only to self (like my adoptive mother). In other words, I chose the perfect storm of a man who my dysfunctional childhood set me up for and stayed with him for 37 years because I didn’t know anything different. Well…reality sucks. It is just so, so sad. What a colossal waste of 37 years of my life. That is the reality that hurts so much. To have tried so hard, believed for so long…all for nothing. But, maybe with this clarity of thought, I can press forward towards a better reality.
In other news, I got a new date for my final orders hearing on our divorce. This one will not be postponed.
That, too, is my reality and I am profoundly sad with it.
I Have Lots of Lemons 
Anytime I suggest a blog I get some feedback.. Some positive and some not. It is Chump Lady blog and the blogger does not believe in reconciliation. She was cheated on by a man who did so from the beginning. The blog has well over a million hits. There are exes discussed who cheated once and some that were serial cheaters. The chumps who write are articulate, angry and often funny.
On the other hand you have strong supporters in CrazyKat, SavingShards and other who are deep into reconciliation. They are a powerful voice for staying the course.
I think genuine remorse and ACTIONS are the only way you can move forward. CL even has a name for those who continue to manipulate and lie while pretending to change. She calls it genuine Naugahyde and she nails it.
I hope your pain never gets so bad that you end up hospitalized again. No relationship is worth that.
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Yes..I follow CL. I have always liked to get both sides to a story. But, as my title suggests, I also am responsible for my OWN reality. My pain is manageable now that I have the tools to deal with it and I won’t allow someone else to put me in that dark emotional place again. Like I said..I am responsible for my reality. I own my mistakes, my decisions and my errors that have led me to this point. What I am trying to do is correct my path so that I don’t compound those by allowing them to define the rest of my life. Thank you for your comments and for caring. God bless you.
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Oh Leigh. You have come so far along. I am so glad your retreat gave you the space you so badly needed to think things through, to focus on yourself, on what you want and deserve, and to get to a more peaceful (albeit very painful) place. This is a massive turning point. I am happy you gained clarity – not because you are going ahead with the divorce, but because you now see which path you are comfortable with, and going with it. And by comfortable, I don’t mean happy, your profound sadness is palpable. Comfortable in the sense of acceptance – and that’s the most we can ask for right now. I’m so sorry you have 37 years in this relationship. I hope you’ll one day reconquer some memories as good, not tainted. I wish you lots of strength on the journey. I’m praying for you. Many hugs!
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Thank you Shattered. It is such a difficult time. The sadness and grief is overwhelming, but I have a sense of rightness in my choice. My family is keeping their distance and there is a distinct possibility that I will lose them as well because of my decision and that is truly the most unbearable thing to contemplate. I have to just take things one step at a time and move forward in the knowledge that I am doing the best thing for ME. Thank you for your prayers..they are much needed and appreciated.XOXO
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Oh darling, I’m so sorry. Who in your family do you feel keeps a distance? I hope this is just a reaction in the newness of the news, and they will find a way to support you when you need the most. But remember, it is so hard if not impossible for anyone to understand this without having been through it themselves. Hugs to you.
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Hi Shattered..My oldest daughter informed that if I “continue choosing being innocent in all things, being merely a survivor, and continually victimized, I (she) cannot continue a relationship with you (me). So, yeah, somehow, Will’s total destruction of our marriage has now become a complete breakdown in our family. His manipulation and lies have found their mark with my kids… who refuse to discuss anything with me but are happy to listen to their fathers grief over his poor choices and remorse over the pain he has caused. Will is great at eliciting sympathy. I only wish my kids would stop to see that I am not a victim and I truly am a survivor…no matter what they choose to think. I can’t stand the thought of losing them and with them my grandchildren…but the alternative, playing happy families and going back to the fantasy life for everyone else’s sake, is no longer an option for me. It is literally life or death. It is almost more than I can stand. it has been a very, very difficult few days. Thank you for your support! *hugs*
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Oh goodness, that’s terrible. I’m so so sorry. But I admire your strength to stand by your decision – you finally found out what you want and what’s good for you, and that’s a massive accomplishment. You are indeed a survivor, and I think making this call is what prompted you to survivor – from victim!
I can so feel this manipulation crap though. My husband has been using his own brother and my sil – people I adore – to influence me. Oh for F’s sake, he got our initial couples’ therapist people to try to lure me back into the fantasy! Unbelievable.
On a more constructive note, do you think your daughter could gain a better understanding if she spoke with your therapist? I mean, the things she shared with you should be a massive warning sign for her as well. I hope this will work itself out and you won’t need to endure losing touch with your grandchildren. Many many hugs to you, Leigh.
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I am hoping that both my daughters will agree to a family counseling session at some point. Keeping my fingers crossed! 😊
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I have tried to stay off your blog. I never want to cause you any more anger and sadness but…..this idea that your children would turn on you shows just how manipulative your husband can be. Right now his “story” is that you are unstable and vindictive. Why else would you give up on a distraught man? Perhaps their question should be why a person with free will chose to spend his entire adulthood lying, stealing and cheating.
Regardless of where you go, or with whom, you are entitled to peace of mind. Begging for help from the very person who harmed you shows just how damaging emtional abuse is.
Be well, be at peace.
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I am not sure why you are wanting to stay off of my blog…it is public. It sounds as if you may know me or my family. I don’t know anything about Will’s “story” as we don’t really communicate. It saddens me to hear that he is characterizing me in that way. Just more hurt. I am learning that people we thought we knew, even family, can be very cruel. All I can do is try to be the best me and live my life for now. I am just trying to keep my side of the street clean. If you know me and would like to chat, please contact me via email. Take care!
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I read Will’s blog and his description of himself is twofold. He admits to embezzling, SA, lying, alcohol addiction on one hand and successful in his careers on the other. He admits to wrecking your life. That is how I “know” him.
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Ah….I don’t read his blog so don’t know what he discloses. Thank you for clarifying. 😊
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