So, my therapist has given me some clear tasks to accomplish. The main one being a re-vamp of the now famous “Safety Plan”, this new version excluding Will entirely. This is meant to be more of a guide for my own recovery and healthy options for a lifestyle without Will. Sure, sounds simple because I am only dealing with myself and not having to consider Will’s penchant for twisting the truth, distorting the facts and pushing the boundaries. No. Nope. Uh-uh. This is freaking torture!
I have been given certain tasks and deadlines to get this new plan to my therapist for review. Normally I am great with this kind of pressure. Give me a job to do and a date to have it completed? Yep…my over achieving, perfectionist, people pleasing self will have it done under budget, prior to deadline and exceeding all expectations. But, when it comes to doing something for ME, well….dragging my feet, motivation gone, stalling…..why is this so hard? I am to lay out my recovery plan and the specific things I commit to do to move forward in a healthy way. I have to pledge not to engage in certain behaviors and be accountable for any breaches. I am to promise certain action regarding my life moving forward and show continued progress and results from those actions. The keystone to all of these things, which are difficult enough as they are, is to have that accountability person to report to, to help gauge my progress, to discuss my failures and successes with etc….A Sponsor. Yikes! This is proving the most difficult and challenging part of this whole thing! A sponsor for a SA partner has to meet certain criteria:
Must have completed all 12 steps of the S-Anon or similar program.
Must have a desire to help others.
Must have a knowledge of the Sponsee’s situation and/or story.
Have or has had a similar experience as Sponsee.
Have a mutual “connection” with Sponsee.
People….this is proving nearly impossible! Firstly, I have not personally met one single person who has actually completed all 12 steps of any program. I am at the point of wondering if this is a super-human feat and the truth is that nobody has EVER done it….what a depressing thought! Secondly, although I have met other partners, via online and some in person, I wonder if even one person has had someone in their lives for as long, and who is as destructive and sick as Will? I am becoming so discouraged! My final concern is this….how am I going to find someone who cares enough about my recovery when they are in their own personal hell of betrayal? How can I possibly find such a person and then ask this fictional someone to be a friend, a confidant, a mentor…a Sponsor?
My fear (yes, fear) is that this person does not exist for me. I am deflated…..