This last week or so has been difficult and I have isolated terribly. Getting out of bed has been a major feat. The depression has been heavy and so oppressive. Definitely NOT in a good place. I saw my therapist today and we discussed why. I knew why, I just couldn’t seem to get out of it. I was stuck in “If Only.” This is the worst possible place for me.
If Only always, and I mean ALWAYS, leads to what my Meadows group called “The ShittyPityCommittee” and that is what has happened in true character this time. I have been engulfed in the woe-is-me’s and the sucks-to-be-Leigh’s all week. And the hard truth is that I have done it to myself. I ALLOWED others’ behavior to impact my recovery process. I ALLOWED others’ words to hurt me and CHOSE to be offended by what their feelings were towards me. Knowing that I could not, cannot,and never will control what other people say and do should be a no brainer when these things happen. But, alas, I am human. I am now giving myself permission to BE human.
The truth is that sometimes I do feel sorry for myself…and that’s OK. I’ve been through and am still going through a lot of shit that I did not cause and could not have prevented. The truth is that I will sometimes find myself in “If Only” land. I just can’t allow myself to acquire a visa for a long-term stay. What I have trouble with is when I dip into these doldrums for just a moment and then life pulls a fast one by dumping extra garbage on me before I have a chance to bounce out of it. I get sucker punched and it is tempting to allow myself just one more “if only” or a couple more minutes of sucks-to-be-me. That is when it gets dangerous. And that is what happened this past week.
It began with the still inexplicable shunning I received from my daughter. It was so hurtful and her words were so accusatory and they hit their mark, as I am sure she intended. I knew, intellectually, that they were HER words and didn’t reflect my own truth or reality. They still hurt. Then, I heard through my family grapevine that Will had finally realized that the divorce was for real and that it was to go through as filed. I was told that he was OK with it and willing to just move on. Now, this is how screwed up I am…That should have been a relief for me. I mean, I am the one who filed, I have been the one trying to get him to work with me to get the house on the market etc…but, no. It hurt…physically. My heart felt like someone was squeezing it. What did I expect? I don’t know!! Maybe for him to come to the house and BEG me for forgiveness! To cry and plead with me to not go through with it! To profess his undying love and pledge his fidelity and lifelong commitment to me! To tell me that he couldn’t stand the distance between us and needed to work together on our marriage! TO FIGHT FOR ME AND FOR US!!!! But, no. He just said basically, “Yeah, sure, Ok.” It felt like: Just another betrayal. Just another way that I have let myself down. Just one more fantasy that was never true and can never be true.
Just a confirmation that Will is not the man I thought he was, and worse, he is never going to be the man I need him to be. I think that is what is the most devastating. I wonder where I ever got the idea that he was or would be? Why did I think that he could think for himself and do the hard things life requires? He has never followed that path. He has always either done what others wanted him to do, what he believed others wanted from him or what he wanted others to believe about him. He has never been able to manage his own reality and be truthful about his own wants and needs other than his own selfishness. Again….this is pain that was brought on by my own wishes, desires and plain ‘ole delusion. If only Will would stop being so self-centered in his recovery. If only Will would try to make our marriage work. If only Will would, just once, make me a priority instead of himself. If only……well….you see how this goes.
“If Only”doesn’t get me anywhere except a one way ticket to the place where depression is a lifestyle and pity-parties are the main form of leisure activity. I am trying to leave If Only land forever and I just don’t know why it is so hard. It is really a horrible, terrible, very bad place.