Sucker Punch

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Sucker Punch  verb:
In the boxing ring, a sucker punch is a devastating, unexpected blow that sends an unwary opponent sprawling, dazed and confused.

Yesterday, Will and I were texting about his upcoming business trip. The conversation led to other past trips. Then to a question. Had he ever taken another woman on a trip?  We are almost exactly eleven months past D-day and nearly ten months past “full”disclosure and polygraph day.  I am still in shock that there was more pain to be dealt out to me from Will. I didn’t think it was possible. I was wrong.

He hesitated when I asked, and in that moment I knew the answer was yes…and that there was still undisclosed information…and that he had lied and withheld and deflected….again. Yes…he had taken an AP to a resort town when he had told everyone he was on a business trip. It was “only” overnight and “all it was” was sex in a hotel room that he paid for instead of putting it on the company dime. But he had lied about it by omitting it from disclosure. Then it got worse. I asked if that was it…the only places he had screwed this slut…hotel rooms and in his truck. No. She came to my hometown….she drove three hours, to MY home, climbed into MY bed, laid naked on MY sofa, watched movies on MY television, ate food out of MY fridge, cooked in MY kitchen and screwed her brains out with MY husband.

I did not see this coming. I was not prepared for this. I am sick to my stomach and my home again feels violated, dirty, defiled…unsafe. I feel (once again) duped, manipulated, fooled,  gutted.

I am not able to withstand another.single.hit. I am officially KO’d and am down for the count.

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30 thoughts on “Sucker Punch

  1. Oh no, Leigh. I saw this on my phone and immediately went to my desktop so I could type out a proper comment. I know this feeling intimately. I am so sorry there is more. It seems there is always more. The experts say SAs never divulge everything. We have to know the questions to ask because they rarely give things up without being asked. Even with a polygraph, they are answering only the questions asked, no open ended questions. Their lies and their secrets were their perceived protection from the real world. The world they didn’t know how to cope with. For BE there was always the chance that the next thing he divulged was the thing that would send me packing, ruin his chances for reconciliation. I begged for the truth, the whole truth, for months. I yelled, screamed, cried that the truth was the answer, not more hiding and secrets. I couldn’t live with someone who was still lying to me. But he did keep lying by omission, for months. I still have no idea if there are things he hasn’t divulged because I stopped asking questions a long time ago.

    I hope you are taking care of yourself. A day like you just had precipitated a very destructive self harm event for me at four months. We never separated. I had the opportunity 24/7 to ask him all the questions I could think of, over and over and over. I caught him in lies, and I feel like I eventually received from the best of his memory, the truth. After some months I felt like I had exhausted my need to know about what had happened in the past. Your chance to ask as many questions as you feel you need to has been circumvented. This process most likely would have happened sooner if you had had access to him more. They do not come clean on their own. They just don’t.

    At 10 months, while BE was preparing his FIRST STEP, he had another disclosure for me, another acting out partner… he had forgotten. Therapy had brought back the memory from years before. I was traumatized all over again, but not about the event of so many years before, a mostly failed one night stand. I was traumatized because he had remembered it months before and many people knew about, just not me. I felt totally humiliated. He had chosen not to tell me because he thought it was unimportant and would traumatize me unnecessarily (apparently completely forgetting he was supposed to tell me anything he remember within 24 hours, an actual stated boundary), but was going to talk about in his first step and his therapist and his 12 step buddies and his sponsor ALL said he must tell me. That he should never divulge anything in 12 step that the wife doesn’t know. That not telling me, even if it was going to hurt, was wrong.

    This is a long and painful process. I can say, however, that the 1st, 4/5th, and 8/9th steps have been excruciating for both of us, but so very very necessary to the healing. I know the 12 steps are not for everyone, but for BE, I cannot imagine him making the progress he has made without them. He is not done, the steps are never truly done.

    I hope you realize that as long as Will is actively engaged in his recovery plan, and not acting out, that everything he has done is in the past. Part of this process is their learning how to tell the truth and take whatever consequences come with it. What’s done is done. At some point I literally did just stop asking questions. BE is changing, he is recovering, and although he still struggles with his wounds, he is not acting out. Busting through habits that have been with him for 40 years… unbelievably difficult. Living in the present is so very challenging, especially when they are still trickling out the truth, but honestly, you guys have not had a lot of time together. He did answer your questions when asked. There is probably more to tell, a lot more. With time you will get all the answers, more than you would ever want to know. It is tiring, it is exasperating, it is painful, and for me, on many days, it was humiliating.

    I did get to the point, however, that I knew BE was now telling the truth. He may not be as open about the anger and resentment that still runs through him on some days, he may not say exactly what I want him to say when I want him to say it, but his recovery is working. He doesn’t want to be that man anymore. If Will is anything like BE, and you still want a relationship with Will, you will need to give him more time to tell his story. At the same time, protect yourself and your precious feelings as much as you can. He did not do these things because he didn’t love you or because you did anything at all to deserve this hell… he did them because he is broken. I should have just sent you an email. You can delete this long long response if you like, but know… I am thinking of you and loving you and wishing I could hug you and support you in your pain, in person. ❤

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Oh Kat….I wish we lived next door to one another because I so want to hug you. You are wise and truthful and I do not have the words to tell you how much I needed to read EXACTLY what you have written. Thank you, thank you my dear Kat. My gratitude for you is overwhelming me right now. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I remember the feelings so well, and so intimately, I honestly wanted to get on a plane to CO as soon as I read it. I hope you have people in your life helping you feel loved. I didn’t have enough and I felt terribly alone. ♥️

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  2. Oh my goodness Leigh, I am so so so sorry. My first thought was “Holy crap, I can’t believe this is happening to her” – but then I realised that, sadly, I can in fact believe it. This is horrible. So painful, so unexpected, so devastating. As if it is starting all over again – right at a time when you made such an admirable progress! My heart is bleeding for you and I feel your pain, we feel your pain – and yet I know this doesn’t make it easier, nothing can, just time, maybe.

    I admire Kat for the mature and balanced insight, and for taking the time to share it with you (and us). I hope many months later this would be my reaction, too, but right now I just say my heart is broken for you that you got this sucker punch, and that you got it right after your epiphany – it must feel ten times worse now. Or a gazillion times worse. Do not blame yourself, do not feel like a fool. Yes, he played you. Yes, there are probably many other things out there that you don’t yet know, I can’t believe the polygraph did not bring this massive one out – what is good for then I ask?! But YOU HAD NO WAY TO KNOW, no way to prepare for this shit. That is because you are a good person, with a good heart and a loving soul. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this, too. Remember, you ARE a survivor. This is not a K.O., this is not the end, this is just a push from reality. You’ll get up, with or without him. You got this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Shattered, I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. What is humanly possible? At some point, there has to be a place where I am irreversibly broken and I don’t want to get there. 😔

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      1. Oh my dear Leigh, I would love to give you a ‘real’ hug right now. You so don’t deserve this pain. What is humanly possible? I have no idea. But I will promise you that he won’t break you irreversibly – because you will simply not let him. You are strong, stronger than you feel now. You will, as you have, pulled the pieces back together. This new information is immensely painful and devastating, but you will get through this.

        Let’s dissect this a little. The cheating already happened in the past. It is still crazy painful of course but it is part of the “I can’t change that and I know it and accept it” list. What pains you more (I assume – but do correct me if I’m wrong) is the lying, the ongoing deceit, and now knowing he brought the intimate betrayal into your home. You feel violated on multiple levels yet again. Rightfully, understandably. But, the most important question here is whether he is still in recovery. That is, is he acting out or not presently? Is he working the steps or not, really? If he is not acting out, and if he is finally, somewhat voluntarily telling you the truth (even if it is so extremely hurtful to you), he is doing what he needs to do. I know this is tough. I know you feel you are breaking irreparably. But you either decide to go through this (and then it hurts), but you decide to stand up and go (and then it hurts less). Either way you are a wonderful and strong woman, but (and you know how much I hated when people told me this) don’t make your final decision now because you are covered in the thick fog of tormenting pain. I’m sending you lots of tight virtual hugs, I wish I could deliver them in real life.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes Shattered…you are right. I know I need to give this time and to process it. I am not making any definite decisions and not doing anything crazy (although I would love to send the slut a scathing email or find a way to let her “now” husband know she was cheating on him the whole time she was trying to get him to propose!) Will IS trying and I know that and I am trying to remember that but I just want an honest relationship..I truly don’t know if he is capable of truth. That is so frightening to me. *Big Hugs*

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Leigh, I know how much these things hurt. It’s all in the details, isn’t it?

    MC told me things I would have absolutely never known about in terms of who, when and in which countries. The poly was able to assure me of those broad strokes of information, but what about all of those details, what has he not remembered, what has he pushed out of his mind or purposefully omitted unless specifically asked?

    We’ve had multiple polygraphs, most due to MC’s year away for work, with the first being our base line. And, some of the questions in the subsequent polygraphs asked if during the very small time frame between polygraphs if there have been lies or omissions to TL. This is how MC came about revealing that he had been smoking while away for that year. Like I really gave a shit about smoking, it’s the lies, it’s the lies.

    While, at this point, I feel he has revealed all he remembers, I KNOW there are details he has not yet remembered. Over the course of so many years of lies, how can there not be. So, if a memory comes to him, he knows he is supposed to immediately share that memory with me. No matter how much it hurts, I need the details. Yes, damn it, those details hurt like hell. But, the discovery of lies hurt so very much more. I truly believe that at the core for so many of these men is a foundation of selfishness, self-pity and cowardice. These are the things that must be rooted out if there is to be any hope of redemption.

    One of our counselor’s explained it to us like this. We build superhighways in our brain that form the basis of our thoughts and behaviors. MC must stop using the superhighway that was built on selfishness, self-pity and cowardice and start building a new highway based on empathy, gratitude and courage. Every time he is faced with a potential to lie, he can use the old, very well-built highway or can make the harder choice of working on building the new highway. Every time he makes the choice to work on that new highway, it makes it stronger. And the longer he stays off the old-highway, the more disuse it experiences, the less likely it will be to be used. But, it must be a constant and conscious effort to build and use that new highway.

    So, while I know these revelations hurt so very very much. The fact that he faced his fears and told you the truth is meaningful in a good way. Regardless, your safety must be priority one as you decide how to move forward. Thinking of you dear Leigh! I know the pain is devastating and send you my love and support on your journey forward! TL xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. TL…I am afraid of the breaking point. I simply cannot keep taking the bullets. I am sick, and hurt, and angry, and disgusted…right back to square one. I honestly don’t know if I can continue to keep getting back up after he keeps knocking me down. Thank you for your support. I need the support of this blogging community. Xoxo

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      1. Leigh, I understand and absolutely nobody here would fault you for saying, “enough, I’m done, I just cannot do this any more.” In this one case, I think I can speak for many here, we support you and love you no matter which path forward you choose to be the healthiest person you can be.

        Listen, the polygraph has its limitations. It can only test what is specifically asked and what is specifically remembered at the time of the test. As Kat pointed out, this will likely not be the last time he shares something new from pre d-day life with you. It hurts, it breaks your heart, it breaks your soul, and sends you to the edge. I get it, truly I do. As MWS pointed out, these memories are of old patterns, not new ones. And, that is important, so very important.

        Our husbands are dealing with patterns of cowardice, selfishness and self-pity. We need to see evidence that they are dealing with these fundamental motivating factors. When you asked him a very scary question, he could have fallen into old habits, let cowardice/fear guide his path and answer. He did not, and that is telling. Does it take away your pain – NO WAY IN HELL. Does it show you he is trying? Does it show you he is putting your need to know he will be honest above his fear of losing you and the marriage? Only you can answer those questions, but they are worth asking.

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      2. Thanks TL…I am in such a fog of pain right now that I am not making any decisions. He is going on his biz trip so we will have some distance and maybe I can process some of this. I am just so exhausted…this game is one I am just so tired of playing….

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Could having that woman in your house, eating your food, and in your bed be a way for your husband to thumb his nose at you? Not because he hates you but because you scare him to death. Just think about this….all of his life he has been building moats and walls and landmines and everything else to keep everyone at bay. Other people are so dangerous to him emotionally that anytime he can get power of Any kind, even the most destructive, he’s going to use it. Also remember that lying is his default mode. Think of his brain as a computer, Computers are set up to perform a certain way…..people talk about algorithms and all sorts of stuff ( that I have no idea about) but I know that this iPad I’m talking on, the laptop that I type all have systems built in that prompt defaults. In my computer, when I turn it on, defaults to Google. Your husband has defaulted to lying, and/or, to one of his addictions.
    Positive self esteem is like a small pilot light. It burns steadily. If it is blown out it relights itself. Your husband was never given that so he looked for external things. Human beings seldom choose good things if they have been robbed of the ability to realize what they are. They go for the quickest one that makes them feel better. I had a sorority sister who was probably a kleptomaniac. He family had plenty of money but she stole constantly. Your husband chose affairs, gambling, alcohol. Those were his defaults.
    I agree with CK. You will never know everything. But realize he told you the truth as horrible as that is. Some people stay in recovery and some don’t. The further away from his addictions he gets the less hold they have on him.

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    1. Oh C…this has just taken the air out of me. I KNOW he is sick and that he has such a long way to go but I am just in so much pain AGAIN! I feel as if I am right back to 10 months ago after finding out about my sister. All of this time he SWORE that he had told me everything. How do I possibly trust anything? I am still reeling..still so angry and so terribly devastated. Thank you for your insight..I believe you are right..I think that his brain is incredibly broken and I know it will take time. I just don’t honestly know if I can survive it. ❤️

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  5. No one wants to feel bad about themselves. No one wants others to disapprove of them. No one wants to feel small and helpless and hopeless. Lying, verbally, or by omission, allows your husband to postpone his reality. As long as you don’t know he can breathe. I teach a class about human behavior and family systems. In one session I list all the behaviors that we can, or cannot, tolerate. Hands down lying is considered at the top. I saw this meme somewhere. “You did not consider me important enough to tell the me the truth”. He feels caught between a rock and a hard place. If he continues to lie but does the other things in his steps he dodged a bullet. If he tells you he might lose you. Lying is his default mode so that is what he did. I make no excuse for what he did all those years. What is he doing now?

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    1. Ah…this is my quandary…Now. Now is the problem. He has been hiding (omission) these important disclosures. Until NOW. That is still dishonesty. How much longer does this type of dishonesty continue? He has known it was an important disclosure since his last poly but chose instead NOT to tell me. He has justified not telling me by finding all kinds of excuses…the safety plan, my PTSD…whatever. Not one excuse is valid..any one of them could have been worked out so that he could have come clean. He chose not to…until now. It is just cruel.

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  6. I’m sorry Leigh 😔 it’s a damn rollercoaster, isn’t it?

    Why do they choose to tell us about some things and not others, when ALL of it is painful to hear? The excuse that they are trying to protect us just doesn’t fly.

    I think in H’s case, there is so much to tell, he couldn’t possibly remember it all at once. The first “full disclosure” was December 30. While it was the first time he actually admitted to more than just the one affair, it was nowhere near the complete story. It was only the beginning of being honest with me. Breaking a lifelong habit of lying is going to take some time. Now H admits things as they come to mind, often enough that I really need a break from hearing about it all. I haven’t asked a question about it for at least a month, maybe two, but still he feels compelled to trickle some more truth at least once a week, usually when we’re relaxing with a nice glass of wine, having a nice conversation, and I’m feeling good 😠

    As much as it hurts, this is all part of the past that you already knew was filled with betrayal. Like H, Will is probably still getting used to the idea of honesty and openness. It seems easy to us, but lying and hiding are such a part of their behavior that telling the truth doesn’t come naturally to them.

    You have had A LOT of heavy emotional stuff happen in just a few weeks. I get it. It feels like you can’t take any more. Please take some time to breathe and be good to yourself.

    {{hugs}}
    ☀️

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    1. Thank you Sunshine…just trying to process this and hold my sanity at the same time! 😜 I’m just so, so sick of this…it feels like it will never end so that I can get up off the floor and start breathing again. Why do they feel the need to wait until we drag ourselves to our feet, begin to take that baby step and THEN, THEN … They shoot another bullet that puts us right back down in a snotty,shriveling,heap again? I just don’t understand that and that is what hurts so much. I need to stop getting hit. 😡

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  7. I wanted to say something soothing and helpful to you, but putting myself in your shoes all I can say is……..don’t you just want to castrate him and send the nasty bitch, that put her nasty ass in your home, his balls as a belated wedding gift.

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  8. As a female SA(oh the Shame, right?) I feel an immediate sorrow for both you and Will. I feel your betrayal and guilt and Shame as someone who has been a victim. I feel his as someone who has been a perp. Here’s wat I know- he will not ever known you’re pain and you’ll no ever known youres. But if both of you keep playing the victim to eachother you’ll both stay sick. I’m sober now 15 yrs with a partner sober for 12. It’s the greatest love I’ve known

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    1. Hi Anonymous….question…..the greatest love? Is this with the same partner you cheated on or who cheated on you? If so, what has made it great? If not, what prevented you from staying with the betrayal partner and working it out? Thanks for your advice as well. Will and I are both trying to work thru this victim/blame/shame/guilt routine and we are making slow progress. It is excruciatingly exhausting!

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