It’s been several days now since Will’s last bomb was dropped. I have to say that I am reflecting today about what has occurred in a relatively short time.
The first 10 days of April, I was reasonably sure that my marriage was over and was convinced by my primary therapist that my only chance of happiness and healing was being alone and maybe starting over someday…possibly… I was in a deep funk and depression was threatening to overwhelm me as I struggled with the grief and the horrible feeling that something just wasn’t “right” about any of it. I stubbornly stuck to the ridiculous safety plan because this was the path I chose…against every.single.gut.instinct that told me “Stop! This isn’t right!”
Then, something happened. Something snapped inside. The resilient, intuitive, common sense me, broke free of the oppression. My inner child, the one that stubbornly stood up to an abusive father and a passive mother, that survived and thrived against all odds…That girl-She again stood up and said, “ENOUGH!” I was done listening and heeding advice that did not help me. Doing things ostensibly therapeutic that caused nothing but stress, confusion and added more pain to my already broken heart. Breaking bonds and associations with people who I needed to actually make progress in my healing, to move forward in my recovery, to regain my own equilibrium and balance. I listened to my heart, my own mind and my instinct. I fired my idiot therapist who had fed lies to me, my other providers, Will’s therapist…everyone. I began, after what has been a very, very long time, to connect with Will. We even made plans to go together on his business trip to Florida.
Only a few days into this newly found, fledgling place of building on the idea of a possible future together instead of apart, Will crushed me again with the news that he had brought a skank into my home and had taken her on an overnight trip. The anger, the hurt, the disgust….it all came rushing back. The devastation was real, and raw, and new…all over again. I lost all hope…..again.
But, here is where something amazing has occurred. I began asking questions…because I could! AND WILL ANSWERED THEM! And we talked. I raged and he stayed present. I cried and he cried too. Not only did I not go to Florida, he cancelled his business trip to be available….FOR ME! I asked him to stay over in the guest room, and he did. I felt safe. He took yesterday off work…just to stay near and talk and process. Today, we met with a realtor. I loved my home, I put my heart into it and he defiled it. He didn’t blink when I told him we had to sell it.
I am a different person than I was a year ago. I see things, understand things and process things differently. I act upon and react to things differently. I am stronger. But even bigger news? So is Will. And I am able to see it. I have told him that I do not know anymore if I love him, or if I ever will. He understands that but is sure that he loves me. He is willing to take the time and risk. I have told him that I do not want him to move back in with me and I do not know when or if that will happen. He understands and is willing to wait. I have told him that I do not trust him and I may never trust him fully. He doesn’t blame me. 😊 We are both unsure and scared and hopeful and grateful and realistic and happy and hurt…but the thing is…we are all of this, TOGETHER.
I feel like I have come farther and done more healing in this crazy up and down, back and forth, mixed up month so far than I have done in the previous ten. I am grateful for God’s guidance and His promptings helping me to determine the questions to ask and the direction to take. I am immensely thankful for the insight of many, many good peers and people who have invited me to look inward for answers and to learn how to trust myself. And I am so very grateful for my own strength and stubbornness. It has gotten me through more shitstorms in this life than most people can ever imagine, and I know that no matter what else comes at me, I can handle it. I’m feeling kinda badass….and it feels pretty great.