The Calm AFTER the Storm

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It’s been several days now since Will’s last bomb was dropped. I have to say that I am reflecting today about what has occurred in a relatively short time.

The first 10 days of April, I was reasonably sure that my marriage was over and was convinced by my primary therapist that my only chance of happiness and healing was being alone and maybe starting over someday…possibly… I was in a deep funk and depression was threatening to overwhelm me as I struggled with the grief and the horrible feeling that something just wasn’t “right” about any of it. I stubbornly stuck to the ridiculous safety plan because this was the path I chose…against every.single.gut.instinct that told me “Stop! This isn’t right!”

Then, something happened. Something snapped inside. The resilient, intuitive, common sense me, broke free of the oppression. My inner child, the one that stubbornly stood up to an abusive father and a passive mother,  that survived and thrived against all odds…That girl-She again stood up and said, “ENOUGH!” I was done listening and heeding advice that did not help me. Doing things ostensibly therapeutic that caused nothing but stress, confusion and added more pain to my already broken heart. Breaking bonds and associations with people who I needed to actually make progress in my healing, to move forward in my recovery, to regain my own equilibrium and balance.  I listened to my heart, my own mind and my instinct. I fired my idiot therapist who had fed lies to me, my other providers, Will’s therapist…everyone. I began, after what has been a very, very long time, to connect with Will. We even made plans to go together on his business trip to Florida.

Only a few days into this newly found, fledgling place of building on the idea of a possible future together instead of apart, Will crushed me again with the news that he had brought a skank into my home and had taken her on an overnight trip. The anger, the hurt, the disgust….it all came rushing back. The devastation was real, and raw, and new…all over again.  I lost all hope…..again.

But, here is where something amazing has occurred. I began asking questions…because I could! AND WILL ANSWERED THEM!  And we talked. I raged and he stayed present. I cried and he cried too. Not only did I not go to Florida, he cancelled his business trip to be available….FOR ME! I asked him to stay over in the guest room, and he did. I felt safe. He took yesterday off work…just to stay near and talk and process. Today, we met with a realtor. I loved my home, I put my heart into it and he defiled it. He didn’t blink when I told him we had to sell it.

I am a different person than I was a year ago. I see things, understand things and process things differently. I act upon and react to things differently.  I am stronger. But even bigger news? So is Will. And I am able to see it. I have told him that I do not know anymore if I love him, or if I ever will. He understands that but is sure that he loves me. He is willing to take the time and risk. I have told him that I do not want him to move back in with me and I do not know when or if that will happen. He understands and is willing to wait. I have told him that I do not trust him and I may never trust him fully.  He doesn’t blame me. 😊 We are both unsure and scared and hopeful and grateful and realistic and happy and hurt…but the thing is…we are all of this, TOGETHER.

I feel like I have come farther and done more healing in this crazy up and down, back and forth, mixed up month so far than I have done in the previous ten. I am grateful for God’s guidance and His promptings helping me to determine the questions to ask and the direction to take. I am immensely thankful for the insight of many, many good peers and people who have invited me to look inward for answers and to learn how to trust myself. And I am so very grateful for my own strength and stubbornness. It has gotten me through more shitstorms in this life than most people can ever imagine, and I know that no matter what else comes at me, I can handle it. I’m feeling kinda badass….and it feels pretty great.

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13 thoughts on “The Calm AFTER the Storm

  1. Can’t tell you how much I love this post, and appreciate you Leigh. If there is one thing I’ve learned on this journey I never dreamed I’d go on…it is that there is not one that looks like the next. We can share strength and encouragement, but we cannot say that there is one path only to healing and freedom. One step. One moment. One decision. That’s all you have to deal with, and as you do, make sure you choose the right next ______ and it will add up to your story. HUGS, dear Leigh. xo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Susan…I must say that I feel like I can handle whatever comes my way right now. Tomorrow? Who knows. The difference is that I know the situation, my emotions, my relationship with Will…everything is so fluid and ever changing. Nothing is certain except for how I choose to handle it all. It has taken me a long time to take control of what and how I handle my own life..and to understand that I cannot control ANYTHING ELSE. But, at least I am here now. XOXO

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  2. Is it Susan and Leigh?
    There is something else it gives us and it is this incredible braveness because if you can survive a bomb like that…you can survive about everything.
    All else is peanuts really….Going through what I and you went through…I am no longer intimidated by anyone and anything. I am no longer scared…I have faced about everything.
    Elisabeth

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  3. Leigh, it was great reading this post. You’ve been on my mind and I started to get worried about you – I do worry about each of us when I don’t hear from someone for a while… I know it’s weird considering we’ve never met but you guys are the only people with whom we have a strong and clear mutual understanding of our struggles. Anyhow – so, I’m so glad you are feeling strong!!! You got this. You own this. And on days when you feel like less of a badass, remember that your badass-ness stems from your being a survivor. It does not go away. You are driving this eighteen-wheeler, just check the mirrors often 🙂

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  4. I applaud you for taking your recovery into your own hands. I love that you trust yourself enough to know which path to take at which time. I believe if my husband could have ever provided any hard truths or attempts at disclosure, recovery and our marriage would have been possible. God be with you on your journey. Thank you for speaking out when it’s so very hard and providing a sister in sorrow for the rest of us.

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    1. It is a struggle and every day is hard..for all of us going thru this. But I believe that we are all given everything we need to make the decisions and choose the path that is best for us…its just been buried for so long under all the lying and gaslighting and fear that our spouses have perpetrated against us, that it takes some hard work to get in touch with our true selves. It is certainly not something that comes natural for me yet. I believe that with time (and a loving Heavenly Father!) it will become easier. Stay strong and keep finding your way. *hugs*

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