I like clean. I love clean sheets after I’ve had a lovely bubble bath and I am also nice and clean. I love having clean bathrooms..the smell of freshly scrubbed tubs and showers and the toilet bowl freshener. I like sweeping off my deck after the long winter and getting it cleaned up for summer flower pots, and hanging out on freshly cleaned deck furniture with a shiny clean glass outdoor table…just waiting for that first yummy cookout. I like clean floors in my home and enjoy the sound of my little robot vacuum as he concientiously travels his route and picks up dog hair and dust bunnies and assorted this and that, leaving my wood, tile and carpets fresh and clean. I like my clothes clean and don’t mind laundry. I rarely get behind with the wash. And I like organized. I like things to be in a neat logical order so that they are easy to find and to keep track of. I enjoy order and sensible places for things. This is how I de-stress my life. When my home, my life, my mind becomes cluttered, then for me, that causes a great deal of stress.
Clearly, this last (nearly) year, has not been neat…or orderly…or uncluttered…or clean. It has been messy, and chaotic, and illogical, and, above all, dirty. Sex addicts bring a level of dirt, filth, degradation, smuttiness and baseness into our lives that we, of ourselves, would never stoop to. They roll around with pigs and then bring the stench of the shit home….sometimes they bring along the pig.
That brings me back to liking clean. I want a clean life. I have strived to live a clean life. I am trying to have clean memories, clean thoughts, clean desires. A clean heart. Will brought one of his skanks here to my home. There is nothing I can do to ever get this home clean again. The bed they screwed in will be sold. The sofa they screwed on will be sold. But the shower? The floor? That nasty whore used my toilets, touched my furniture, touched my light switches, doorknobs, appliance dials….my husband. All under this roof and within these walls. This home is dirty, tainted, filthy. It goes on the market on May 6th. I hate being here.
I am building a new home. With no history, no memories, no skanky ghosts lurking around the corners. The new home will be all new…new walls, new floors, new roof, new fixtures, new furnishings. We will create new memories, new experiences, new growth, new chapters in our life book. This new home will never, ever be defiled or dirtied with the stench of addiction. Infidelity will never be allowed in the front door. Pornography will never enter in through door, window, cable, router, phone, Internet or in word or print or thought. Anyone with standards less than those we hold regarding faithfulness in marriage will not be welcomed. This new home, like the two people who plan on living in it, will be clean. Yes, it will be tidy and neat but, more importantly, it will be clean and free from lies, infidelity, the filth of addiction, from gut-wrenching pain and heart breaking betrayal. This home will be clean