Sold!

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My house went on the market on Saturday. We accepted an offer on Sunday. I am grateful, relieved….and so,so sad. This home was purchased in 2000 and was all we could afford. It was a fixer-upper to say the least. It was built in 1971 and it never moved on from the burnt orange shag carpet, the dark wooden spindles, and the tubular light fixtures. It was the first home we ever bought having lived in apartments or military housing for the first 21 years of marriage. It took a lot of sweat, blood and tears to make this house a home. But we did. Will fought me on every decision regarding renovation. His first response to anything I wanted to do was negative. I did not understand then, that working on our house was taking him away from his porn time, his affairs and his hookers. All I knew was that he made every single project an absolute nightmare leaving me to do a lot of the actual work…including demolition and construction. I found it easier to do it myself than to ask Will for help.

So, when I say that my heart and soul are in this home, that is what I mean. I chose every piece of furniture, every paint color, every placement of every wall, door, cabinet, and built in. This is MY home. It was my safe haven and my refuge from the world. It had been blessed by clergy and was a source of peace and comfort for my children and grandchildren…and me. Until I found out that Will had watched porn and masturbated and sexted his AP’s here. It made me sick to my stomach to know that kind of activity had occurred with these walls. But then, I learned that Will had gone that extra step, that bonus slap in my face, that cruel personal betrayal of bringing his skanky AP here…to MY home. I cannot describe the absolute disgust I feel now. Knowing that gross, nasty woman was HERE. In my space, in my sanctuary, in the heart and soul of my life. I am angry with Will for desecrating our place of safety. I am angry that he disrespected the love and care that I put into this home by bringing that trash here. I am angry that he thought so little of me that he would defile the place we spent time with our children, grandchildren, friends and family. I am angry, but more than anger is the sadness. I am sad that the memories made in this home are now dirtied and sullied. That because of Will’s selfishness and thoughtlessness, I no longer  feel the safety, peace and comfort which my home used to afford. The wrecking ball of his addiction has destroyed it all. Now I only feel cheated, again, out of the things I have worked so hard on and put so much time and effort into. My home, my family, my marriage. Will has tarnished or destroyed the things which I hold most sacred and it will be a long, long time before I can forgive this last final affront.

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6 thoughts on “Sold!

  1. Good post about the change and fluidity in the, what is termed affect by geographers in spaces we loved. I wrote an essay as an undergrad on this. And it is likely to be a big part of my Masters thesis that I am just firming up now. The love and disgust pushmepullyou of our homes (or other intimate spaces) that were desecrated by selfish pricks having their fun. I hear you loud and clear! And I know it hurts. But fantastic news that you have sold xxx.

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  2. I’m glad you were able tosell it! Being in my home is still difficult but I’m trying to focus on the good times but i imagined it once being out forever home- I don’t feel like that anymore. Maybe that will change again.

    It’s a deep violation Leigh. I get your pain over this loss so well and also get your relief to put it behind you! You will need to grieve it and it will take a long time. But the promise of s new, unblemished home is very exciting and wonderful!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes…I am looking forward to a new unskankified home…just so bereft at the loss of this house I worked so hard to make a home for Will, my kids and grandkids..only to have Will dirty it. So infuriating!

      Liked by 1 person

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