My house went on the market on Saturday. We accepted an offer on Sunday. I am grateful, relieved….and so,so sad. This home was purchased in 2000 and was all we could afford. It was a fixer-upper to say the least. It was built in 1971 and it never moved on from the burnt orange shag carpet, the dark wooden spindles, and the tubular light fixtures. It was the first home we ever bought having lived in apartments or military housing for the first 21 years of marriage. It took a lot of sweat, blood and tears to make this house a home. But we did. Will fought me on every decision regarding renovation. His first response to anything I wanted to do was negative. I did not understand then, that working on our house was taking him away from his porn time, his affairs and his hookers. All I knew was that he made every single project an absolute nightmare leaving me to do a lot of the actual work…including demolition and construction. I found it easier to do it myself than to ask Will for help.
So, when I say that my heart and soul are in this home, that is what I mean. I chose every piece of furniture, every paint color, every placement of every wall, door, cabinet, and built in. This is MY home. It was my safe haven and my refuge from the world. It had been blessed by clergy and was a source of peace and comfort for my children and grandchildren…and me. Until I found out that Will had watched porn and masturbated and sexted his AP’s here. It made me sick to my stomach to know that kind of activity had occurred with these walls. But then, I learned that Will had gone that extra step, that bonus slap in my face, that cruel personal betrayal of bringing his skanky AP here…to MY home. I cannot describe the absolute disgust I feel now. Knowing that gross, nasty woman was HERE. In my space, in my sanctuary, in the heart and soul of my life. I am angry with Will for desecrating our place of safety. I am angry that he disrespected the love and care that I put into this home by bringing that trash here. I am angry that he thought so little of me that he would defile the place we spent time with our children, grandchildren, friends and family. I am angry, but more than anger is the sadness. I am sad that the memories made in this home are now dirtied and sullied. That because of Will’s selfishness and thoughtlessness, I no longer feel the safety, peace and comfort which my home used to afford. The wrecking ball of his addiction has destroyed it all. Now I only feel cheated, again, out of the things I have worked so hard on and put so much time and effort into. My home, my family, my marriage. Will has tarnished or destroyed the things which I hold most sacred and it will be a long, long time before I can forgive this last final affront.