Yesterday…Today

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A year ago yesterday, Will and I were at a local pizza place with 7 of our 9 grandchildren, 2 of our children and 2 of our sons in law. We were celebrating the 4th birthday of one of our little grandsons. We were all happy. Our normal family chaos of silly laughter, multiple cross conversations, older cousins helping younger cousins get  just the right size slice on to their plates, lots and lots of love and sharing going on. I was in my element. As the Matriarch of this glorious family, my heart was full of contentment as I watched my beautiful loved ones enjoying life with one another. Life was good. Will also seemed to be engaged…helping little ones, talking with his sons in law, generally present in the moment if somewhat tired as was his norm. He had just returned from a business trip which always seemed to exhaust him. It was my life then..a year ago yesterday. I miss it. I miss my ignorance in so many ways. I miss my confidence that my marriage, while not perfect, was better than most. I miss my contentment that we had come through the fire of infidelity back in the nineties and Will was now a godly man who had made covenants that he would never break. I miss my security that no matter what, Will loved me and my family and would never hurt me again. I miss me…that me that was innocent and trusting and loving and kind.

A year ago today, I met someone I never wanted to know. A man who was an incredible deceiver, a master manipulator, an unparalleled liar, and an impeccably skilled traitor. Will. Who was this man that I had known for nearly 4 decades? He was NOT the father of my children, the grandfather of our beautiful grandbabies, the man I married. He was a lying, deceptive betrayer of everything I hold dear. He was a monster who inflicted more pain than I thought any human could possibly bear.  He was the one person in the world that I trusted with my life and my heart. And the one person who chose to crush both. As the text message came through from Danielle, as we spoke to our son on that Sunday evening a year ago, everything that I had come to believe was my life, simply fell apart. It was shattered. Gone. My heart broke. My soul broke. My brain broke. My reality broke. I broke. Completely. I was simply….gone. Everything I was, what I knew, how I lived, what I believed…shattered. I have never known such searing, unrelenting agony. I have never felt so completely alone. I have never been so terribly, terribly diminished as a human being. I have never felt such intense, terrifying hatred for another human being in my life. I honestly wanted Will dead. And I would have been happy to accommodate any means to that end.

One year. It is not a long time in the great scheme of things. 365 days. Out of those days, there have been some that were not as bad as May 17, 2015. There have been some that have come close. There was one that was equally horrible that I actually lived through…I count that as one of the miracles that this last year has produced. There have been some days of great pain, and days of great healing. Days of deep frustration and days of progress seen. Days of peace and days of battle. There have been days, too, when glimpses of a future have been hopeful. And it is not as bleak and sad as once perceived. Those days are actually becoming more frequent. That is a good thing. I need good things now in my life. After so much ugly, so much pain, so much betrayal.  I am coming out of the deep, black hole that Will’s addiction pushed me into. It is such a rough climb…harder than any fourteener that Colorado has to offer. More difficult than any other challenge I have faced in my life. But…I am seeing the daylight. I am becoming aware of the possibility of living a different reality. I can comprehend a life, a future, a marriage that is healthy and open and loving. I can see the promise of “better” and “more” and “real” and I am not afraid. I am looking forward to leaving today (and all the bad yesterdays) behind. I still wish, though, that May 17th would somehow just disappear from the calendar for good. I HATE May 17th.

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Yesterday…Today

  1. I have many dates that I wish I could wipe off the calendar… try the whole months of Feb, March and April. Sorry you have found yourself part of a group that none of us wanted to ever be in. Hugs to you on your journey of healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry I am in this group too…but also incredibly grateful! I am blessed to be able to share and be uplifted by such brave and amazing women. I don’t know where I would be without you all! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. im so, so sorry Leigh. The day that your world crumbles beneath you is a hard one to remember. An anniversary that you should never have had to experience, especially because you were so gracious the first time and willing to work on your marriage and move forward. I’m sorry that this day is so painful. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

    I hope you can also look back and see how much you have walked through in the past year and be as amazed by your strength, grace and fortitude as I am!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Kaye..what a crappy day! I tried so hard to NOT let it mean anything…it didn’t work. I am so grateful for you and the example you and others here have set. I know I can get thru this fire and become like fine steel..strong and refined and shiny. ❤️

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  3. Hi Leigh,
    That is one thing of a few that can be perceived as an advantage, like you, I am much braver. When I see a challenge, mentally, socially, physically, I tell myself, “nothing can be as bad as my d-day and the following time”. I survived that, so I can do this….and I just JUMP!
    Keep on going Leigh…I hate November 25th, on the other hand, that is the day he dumped the shit. Just like that. I confronted him and he dumped her like a bag of dirt and that was exactly what she was a Dirt Bag.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Dr.E…I am trying to look at it in a positive light. If it hadn’t have been then, it would have been later..and more damage may have occurred. It still hurts and I suspect it always will, but at least the first year is past. I am hoping with time, the pain lessens. Thank you for reading and always being so supportive!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. If you are like me, a day will come when you no longer remember the anniversaries. They no longer carry that heavy weight and those awful feelings. I am almost there at 28 months. I say almost because I did have one incident in Paris last week that got me, but I didn’t really even realize the significance of the day until I thought about it. That first year is the absolute worst. So many emotions weighing on us and yours is so different from mine since I had access to BE the entire time. Access has its pluses and minuses, but I needed him so badly to be by my side that year showing me he understood what he had done and that he wanted to change. I know our stories are different, but in some ways the same. I understand the pain and I do sincerely hope that yours diminishes as mine has. In my opinion, in order for that pain to find it’s way out of us, we have to deal with it and not ignore or minimize. I love that blogging has helped me do that. May each day bring you more peace! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is certainly a process…a difficult one. I am hoping that this new, improved Will is worth it. I am trying so hard to have faith that he is. I put it all in God’s hands knowing that He loves me and I am trying to follow what I feel He wants for me. Only time will tell me if i am doing the right thing….

      Liked by 2 people

  5. So you’re saying that May 17 was the glory sighting day….the day you found out that you are strong enough to survive a tsunami……You’re in control now, you go girl.

    Liked by 1 person

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