No Contact Means No Contact

imageI’m really sick. I have bronchitis and have been put on bed rest. It sucks. I hate to be sick and I hate going to the doctor.  In the past, Will used my infirmities as an excuse to act out. When I blew out my knee in a skiing accident and had to have a reconstruct, he began his affair with Skank. As I hobbled around in a horrible knee brace for weeks trying to finish renovations on my garage, Will was too busy grooming Skank to help me much. When I recovered enough to drive cross country to help my daughter give birth, Will allowed Skank to come to my home for the purpose of screwing her in my bed…and in my shower…and on my family room sofa. Skank still works for a subsidiary of the same company Will works for. She has been told..by Will and by me..that she will UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES contact Will by phone, email, text etc.  She broke this boundary once several months ago and I emailed her myself telling her that it would stop immediately. She responded and said she would not contact him again. She lied.

Yesterday, Will came over after work to do something he has never done..take care of me because I am so sick. He had taken time off of work yesterday to take me to the doctor and then last night brought over some dinner. After we ate, he said that something had happened at work and he needed to tell me. I immediately felt that dread..that pit in my stomach…that horrible, twisting, sick churning in my belly of impending doom.  I thought he had relapsed. I thought he had gotten a nooner at a massage parlor…his habit when I was not feeling well and he wasn’t currently having an affair. But no. The Skank had called him. Directly. She called from a different work number and he didn’t recognize her voice at first. He told her someone would handle her issue and hung up. In short..he kind of panicked. Then he got angry. Angry that she had broken the boundary…again. That because of her, he had to come and tell me and hurt me again.

This is where my frustration begins. You see, Will is a nice guy. You all know the type…everyone’s friend, never gets angry, always happy and helpful. Yeah, so…this is why the boundary means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the Skank. She knows that Will is a kind man. That he would never get angry with her. Would never be unkind or rude to her. She is under the impression that if she hadn’t gotten married, he would still be pursuing her. She believes that the only reason there is “no contact” is because now I, the bitchy wife, knows about their past together. This is what frustrates me. I asked Will why he didn’t call her back and get angry with her if he was mad that she had broken that boundary. I asked him why he didn’t tell her that she disgusts him…that everything about their affair makes him sick. I asked if he was so angry, why didn’t he tell HER that..because telling me was not going to stop her from breaking that boundary over and over and over again. He told me he couldn’t call her because his own boundaries were that he never initiate contact with an AP. 🙄 I’m sorry…but on this, I’m calling bullshit.

Why would someone willingly give another person power over them because of a self imposed boundary? I completely understand the need for rules, boundaries, limits etc…but at the expense of the greater good? At the complete disregard for common sense and rationality? My frustration and pain is simply this: Will knew that her contact would hurt me. He was angry. Rather than let her know of his anger and break his boundary, he is willing to allow her to continue to contact him (and she will) and cause further hurt.  Once again, something (his personal boundary) takes priority over me. I am angry and hurt because he just doesn’t get this!  In my mind, it appears that he is more willing to let her hurt me, than to take the chance of him hurting her feelings. Ergo..she is more valuable to him than am I. I believe this NOT to be true, but his actions need to bear this out and so far….well, no contact means no contact or we are going to be back to a few months ago when divorce means divorce.  For crying out loud Will..grow the hell up or get the hell out!

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17 thoughts on “No Contact Means No Contact

  1. Oh, Leigh. I feel like a freaking broken record saying I have been through this or I know how you feel. But I do, I know this feeling too… the horrible other woman in our life called both of us for months. She sent correspondence. She had me followed. She showed up on a plane. For the addict, no contact means no contact. Will cannot and should not contact her in any way. As you say, she blames you, she does not blame Will. Like Will, BE is such a “nice guy.” He lied to her for years. The relationships they had with these OW are NOT NORMAL. We cannot look at them as such. We cannot think that merely calling and getting angry at the OW will stop her from her pursuits. It doesn’t work that way. They are not SANE. Any contact from the addict will just further invite contact from the OW. That is the way it is. This has been one of THE MOST FRUSTRATING aspects of recovery for me. I want that horrible horrible woman to know the truth. But she never will believe the truth and if BE even thinks, for a second, that she will believe him when he tells her to back off, she won’t. She will just think oh, poor Blue Eyes, that awful wife of his is at it again… trying to make me go away. This stinks!!! Will is doing the right thing. Also, I know for the first 18 months or so BE was frankly not strong enough to confront the other woman. These other women are like staring at a needle of heroin or a glass of whiskey. They are not people, they are a drug… a drug the addict is trying to live without. Leigh, I hope you feel better very soon, but don’t think another minute on this, if possible. She is not worth it. As frustrating as it is, Will did the right thing. ❤

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    1. Oh Kat…I’m just so sick and tired of this disgusting woman having this kind of control over us. She really is a Skank…the most perverted, low-life type of woman you can imagine. To call her trailer trash would elevate her status. This is the “type” that Will sought out. It truly sickens me that he didn’t just tell her what he thought about her when he had the chance. The other problem is the whole trust factor…what if he really DOESNT find her disgusting like he says? What if I am being fooled again? I hate the places my brain goes when something like this happens!

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      1. I understand, but the recovering Will does find her disgusting (and the other Will was sick) and only you guys can give her any control in your lives. I feel so hypocritical saying this because I have such a hard time with this myself. Thus the letter to her that I am asking BE to write for his ninth step. I want him to bluntly put down on paper how he really felt about her and how he really felt about me and what he was willing to do for his addiction. I know the truth, but I want him to write it down. He has yet to do it. He doesn’t want to because it is going to be very difficult for him to go to that place. That is why he must go there. I know he has no good feelings for that woman, regardless of what she thinks. He actually said multiple times after d-day that he wished she were dead. That he had actually thought (briefly) of killing her. That is shocking… and sick. That a person is that messed up that they will actively participate in a lying deceitful relationship and then want the other person dead because of what they instigated. I also understand the trailer trash description as that is exactly how my friend described my husband’s secretary way back when… the one he was having sex with at the office. She said, and I quote “that trailer trash will rob him blind.” I never met her. Neither of us could have fathomed that he was having sex with her. BE chose broken down, desperate women. They were sure things. I was so shocked when I found out he could have sex with women he had no real feelings for. That sickened me. This is a horrible disease, for everyone involved. These women are sick. We called the police and had them call her and tell her to back off or we would get a restraining order. She stopped calling, but still showed up on that plane. We called the police again. We have not seen or heard from her in over 17 months. I count my blessings. I still want her to know the truth, but I know it is pointless even trying. Big big hugs. Rest! xoxo

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      2. Thanks Kat…I need to just process this and then put it away somewhere. I HATE that the Skank can disrupt my peace and get angry with myself for allowing it. This will pass and progress will continue. I am trying so hard to learn and grow and allow Will to do the same….I just wish that every,single.step wasn’t so damn hard!

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  2. Leigh, I hope you are feeling better soon. I am an honest, even blunt person, and on this journey I expect no less than that from those few friends I have who know what I am going through. You are one of those few so I’ll say my honest opinion – knowing all too well that I may be totally wrong. I think it’s great that he didn’t contact her, and it’s GREAT that he told you immediately that she reached out to him. He didn’t break no contact – she did. It seems you sort of want him to break no contact by contacting her to remind of the no contact rule… He is holding firm to his boundaries – and he has no power over her actions, if she wants to call she will. You or Will telling her is just fuel on the fire in the potentially sick woman’s brain. I know how painful all this is and I am so so so sorry you are having to go through this, but I think this is one event where you may want to try to view this from some distance (as much as possible). To me it seems that he is really trying to do the right thing.

    Another way to look at this is asking yourself how you’d react if he had in fact called her back. I’d call a massive bullshit on that, no matter what excuses he had for actually reaching out to her. No contact is no contact…

    I hope I am not overstepping a line – please forgive me if I am. Hugs to you dear Leigh

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    1. Shattered..Absolutely no lines crossed here. I so value your insight and opinions. I am coming to see that no matter what my initial feelings are about the short term effects of the Skanks contact, the long term solution may be just what Will has done. Nothing. I still want to lash out but am trying to allow some time to process. Thank you MWS for always seeing things with a level head and sharing that reasonable perspective with me. You are very stabilizing and I am grateful for you! ❤️

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      1. Oh Leigh, thank you for being so open and understanding to feedback and perspectives. Thank you for your kind words, too – you know I think it is always easier to be (seem?) level headed when you can see things with an external eye, from a more objective position (but while still understanding the circumstances). So, I guess, that is one reason why this community has been super important to me: those I shared my story with who haven’t been through this themselves would never understand the pain, the confusion, the warped-ness. Their objectivity would be lacking the insight into my hell on an emotional level. You on the other hand have, sadly, all the insight into my shattered world, so when I lose my cool, when I’m not level-headed, you come and help me go back on the path of recovery. And that’s why I love this space 🙂 I am, too, grateful for you!

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      2. My feelings exactly. I honestly feel that I get more “therapy” from this forum and more real answers here than anywhere else. There is no expert and no teacher (sadly) quite like experience. And I might add that there is no compassion and understanding quite like that of the betrayed. ❤️

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  3. He didn’t have to call her and make contact, he could have told her to stay the fuck out of his life when she called him. I totally agree with you Leigh, shit or get off the pot. Suggest he call her with you in the room and if he seems to be gentle with his words speak up and take over the conversation using cheated on wife language. She’ll get the message. I detest homewrecking whores. Hope you’re feeling better.

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    1. Thanks Anna…That was my thought exactly! If he was really angry and upset at the contact why didn’t he just go ballistic on her!?!? I understand that he panicked and that he still does not think like a “normal” guy…but, ugh…how long do I have to wait for him to figure this out? It’s very frustrating and I really don’t know how this will all work out.

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  4. I gotta speak up here. I’ve been “that guy”. Nothing inherently wrong with that guy. It is possible to be “that guy” and still back your wife, and push homewreckers the fuck off if you can pardon the expression. It’s when respect and morals fail you that That Guy just becomes a God damn lowlife. I honestly hate hearing that this stuff happens in a home that was supposed to only be about the two of you. Nothing wrong with fighting for a relationship, but having to compete for one is a whole other thing. – Sam

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    1. Thank you Sam…I am trying to get my head around his rationale. I am hoping he is just processing and will figure things out. I am truly exhausted having to do all the fighting for the both of us.

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      1. Well…there is truth to that side of it too. Whether justifiable or not. I’ve made a lot of my own mistakes in the confusion of my own mess lately but we damn sure aren’t living together trying to make things work anymore either. As far as the exhaustion?…new way of life. I get it.

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      2. Sam…it is a different road to be sure. It’s true when they say we pick our battles, and some battles are more complex than others. I committed to try and with that comes working through the myriad of issues that come up in healing not only self but coupleship. I don’t expect it to be an easy endeavor…but, damn…sometimes it does seem to be just so overwhelming! I know that he is finding out where his own morals and values have lapsed and it is a difficult process for him. It is a slow and torturous process for me as well. 😏

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      3. Leigh, Will is fighting an incredibly difficult battle, a battle to save himself… I know this is so unfair and we didn’t do anything to deserve what has been handed to us, but he is fighting too, just not the same battle you are. xx

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      4. Kat..I know his battle is rough and I honestly admire him for how far he has come. I fight with the concept that he signed us up for this war in the first place and that is my own struggle. I think that somewhere in my heart, I know that he is winning and I am trying so hard to stay in the fight. It’s just so damn hard sometimes and I get so, so disheartened. Thank you for seeing the big picture and reminding me that we both fight our seperate battles as well as the larger one together. *hugs*

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