I sometimes wonder if anyone has lived a life where there is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. Where only good things happen to good people and the bad guys always get their comeuppance. Where a house gets sold and people keep their word. *BIG SIGH* If that life and that person exists, I’m pretty sure they are not nearly as resilient and strong as I.
So, we accepted another offer on the house and it is actually a higher and better offer so that is good. The problem is that I am not nearly as happy as when the first offer came through. Why? Well, I have been thinking about this a lot and I believe it comes down to my defensive habits. After so many years of living with an unstable sex addict, and learning the coping mechanisms of dealing with all the chaos that comes with that, I think that in so many ways, I have an almost inherent reaction to disappointment, rejection and pain. I think I have some sort of internal Valium that kicks in which dulls or lessens the effects of whatever the next hit brings. The problem is that while it protects against pain, it also diminishes the joy. I should be ecstatic over this new offer. It really dwarfs the first one. But I am wary, and nervous and won’t believe it’s real until we get to closing day.
I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be joyful and hopeful and excited and be a flurry of moving-on-activity. I want to be confident that this is for real and not just a false promise that we can be done with this home and it’s skankiness. I want to believe that all is well…that Will and I are truly moving on from this horrible chapter in this book of our lives. But, it’s just not there. The feeling is more of …. Well…Meh. Maybe this will be real and maybe not. Maybe we just sold the house and can move on, or maybe not. I am so disappointed in my reaction. In myself. Grrr! What is wrong with me?!?!
So, summing up, yes….I am much stronger and more resilient having lived the life I have. It has certainly not been sugar-coated and sunshine. But there have also been moments and times of great joy and happiness. I guess my hope is that I can learn to reach out for those moments and strive to grab on with both hands. It is so difficult for me to get out of my defensive armor to enjoy the good in my life sometimes. This is definitely going to be a new challenge for me. Any wise words friends?