I sometimes wonder if anyone has lived a life where there is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. Where only good things happen to good people and the bad guys always get their comeuppance. Where a house gets sold and people keep their word. *BIG SIGH* If that life and that person exists, I’m pretty sure they are not nearly as resilient and strong as I.
So, we accepted another offer on the house and it is actually a higher and better offer so that is good. The problem is that I am not nearly as happy as when the first offer came through. Why? Well, I have been thinking about this a lot and I believe it comes down to my defensive habits. After so many years of living with an unstable sex addict, and learning the coping mechanisms of dealing with all the chaos that comes with that, I think that in so many ways, I have an almost inherent reaction to disappointment, rejection and pain. I think I have some sort of internal Valium that kicks in which dulls or lessens the effects of whatever the next hit brings. The problem is that while it protects against pain, it also diminishes the joy. I should be ecstatic over this new offer. It really dwarfs the first one. But I am wary, and nervous and won’t believe it’s real until we get to closing day.
I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be joyful and hopeful and excited and be a flurry of moving-on-activity. I want to be confident that this is for real and not just a false promise that we can be done with this home and it’s skankiness. I want to believe that all is well…that Will and I are truly moving on from this horrible chapter in this book of our lives. But, it’s just not there. The feeling is more of …. Well…Meh. Maybe this will be real and maybe not. Maybe we just sold the house and can move on, or maybe not. I am so disappointed in my reaction. In myself. Grrr! What is wrong with me?!?!
So, summing up, yes….I am much stronger and more resilient having lived the life I have. It has certainly not been sugar-coated and sunshine. But there have also been moments and times of great joy and happiness. I guess my hope is that I can learn to reach out for those moments and strive to grab on with both hands. It is so difficult for me to get out of my defensive armor to enjoy the good in my life sometimes. This is definitely going to be a new challenge for me. Any wise words friends?
I Have Lots of Lemons 
First of all, I want you to know that for those who have suffered so many disappointments in life, it becomes quite tricky to trust people or opportunities.
Your reaction is not unnatural. I like the fact that you have become more resilient. I think that is the most important thing about the whole experience. Down the lane, you’ll get more resilient and open to unexpected reality, which other people will hardly cope with. You are becoming a very mature person and you will be able to counsel others on your way who are in the same situations.
My advice is this, just make up your mind to be happy no matter what. Don’t wait to feel it. Just decide. Go for the best but be ready for the worst. Be flexible and ready to change plans, adapt and adjust as need be.
Good luck, may the Lord take you along.
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Thank you! I have heard it said before that happiness is a choice. I try so hard to make that choice and I am getting better at it I think. It definitely takes practice. Thanks for visiting. *hugs*
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You are the wise one…
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Dr. E, Most days I only feel like the girl that the wise guy got the better of…but thanks anyway! 😊
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Congratulations and I hope that this time the sale goes through to the end. Good that you also got a better deal. It was meant to happen.
It is what it is.
This is a sentence I seem to live by these days. Life will throw all sorts of things at us and it won’t be rainbows and unicorns fluffing out glitter but it will be another life experience. As they say it is how we deal with these experiences which will determine how we choose to live our life. I think it is more than acceptable to protect ourselves and it seems in this case it might be what you are doing. By not getting too excited and happy in case there is another disappointment. This is in every aspect. There will be many more twists and turns with Will’ s recovery path and your self will automatically be set in defence mode to protect yourself.
Personally I feel that as time goes on this defence lessens as my personal strength and belief in myself strengthens.
Take care and stay strong. Xxx
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Thanks LAA…I have hope that as time goes on my perspective will become lighter and the trust factor will be a little easier to manage. Betrayal has touched every.single.piece.of.me. Nothing I feel, say, do or think is the same and it is a learning process to just “become” a whole pieced together person again. And it’s exhausting. Plus the stress of selling this once happy but now only whore house. So, there’s that! 🙄 Sheesh…I just wonder if normal will ever be part of my vocabulary again! Thank you for your wisdom…coming from you and knowing your story and your journey, I value your comments and Opinion! *big hugs*
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