Will underwent polygraph tests on a regular basis for many years while in the military in order to maintain his top secret security clearance. (I know! Scary that someone like Will had access to our country’s secrets!…and he always passed!) Now, of course, polygraphs have a whole different meaning.
Last year, after D-day, Will took a poly. The whole experience was extremely triggering for me. First of all, we went to HIS therapist and although I was told the poly was really for my benefit, I was given no information, no access to the questions and no clinical disclosure. So, basically, Will passed but I have no idea what he disclosed and what he was asked. So…..pointless. After, we met with his therapist who basically told me to trust Will because he passed and try to move forward. This was approximately one month after finding out my whole life had been a lie and that I was married to someone I didn’t know. So….yeah. I ran away. To a local hotel. I was in such a triggered state I still don’t recall much of the three or four days I was away. I spent a lot of time by the pool and I have some sketches that I don’t really remember doing. Something changed in me after that. I sort of “let go”…of Will, of marriage, of God, of myself. For the first time in my life, I became self-centered. I began to look at what I wanted. What did I want to have for dinner? What did I want to see at the movies? Where did I want to spent my time? What did I want to watch on TV? What did I want to do with my life? Who did I want to be? It was liberating, earth-shattering, exciting….and scary as hell. Will had been court ordered to maintain our home and continue to pay the bills. He was instructed not to divert any funds or “hide” any resources. I was not working, I had lost a lot of weight, it was summertime, my schedule was open and for the first time in my entire life, I was beholden to no one…my time, my decisions, my life was my own. I kinda lost my mind a little bit. It was during this time that I had my affair.
Will saw the change in me and became more and more frustrated and angry. All of the sudden, his control over me was lost. I no longer cared what he thought or how he felt. I did not consider him first and he did not like it one bit! I responded to his texts with LEAVE ME ALONE! I stopped answering his constant phone calls. He began to stalk me. At one point he bought a GPS tracker to put on my car. I booked a trip to visit my son and daughter-in-law and see our new grandbaby named and blessed. Will booked the same flight. While there, he took advantage of my distraction with family and hacked my phone. He managed to get hold of my diary and read it. He hacked my email, stalked my social media accounts and scoured phone records. He found out who I was seeing. He went to his home. He confronted him and recorded the conversation. He threatened him and told him I was crazy and unstable. He told him to stop communicating with me…no explanation, no excuses. Just tell me it was over. He did. I was crushed and confused. I didn’t know what had happened…I didn’t understand. We were having fun, he was clearly very much attracted to me and I to him, we very much enjoyed each other’s company…and then…nothing. I didn’t let it go. Something told me that Will had something to do with it. I confronted Will and he finally admitted what he did. I was able to contact this sweet man and we resumed our relationship. We saw each other for a couple more months. I felt loved and wanted and attractive and desired and cherished. It was all new to me. I discovered what a give and take relationship felt like. I knew what I wanted and needed in a relationship going forward. I never knew before. I will forever be grateful for that learning experience. I realized that I was running from my problem though, Will, and needed to face things and reality head on. I ended the affair but started a new phase of discovery…about what reality meant for me.
I found a new therapist. I took a new path. One that would focus on me and my healing. This is where the famous “safety plan” comes in. It was helpful in the early days as I was not ready to deal with Will and all of his mania. But, once I became clear on where I wanted to go, it began to cause a rift that would not be bridged in time, only widened. Divorce seemed imminent and unavoidable. Will and I had been apart for nearly 11 months. I had gone to an inpatient facility. He had been working his steps and attending 3+ meetings a week plus seeing a counselor on an intensive basis. We had both undergone EMDR and mindfulness therapy. I fired my therapist. Will and I had been through a lot…separately and together. We were different people. We began to talk. It was time for a true disclosure and a new polygraph. A true “day one” on our path together.
Yesterday, we went to OUR therapist. We all sat down together and had a clinical disclosure. It is still hard to hear all the ugly. It still hurts so terribly. We discussed the questions then Will went to take his test. I stayed with the therapist and we talked. Will passed. The polygrapher, the Lie Guy, found “no deception” in any of his answers. I was not triggered. I simply processed. I did not run away..I felt no need. Will and I went to lunch. We talked about the house, the kids, the grandkids. We talked about the poly, my feelings, his feelings…our feelings. We felt…normal. I slept soundly last night. Will stayed over and kissed me when he left for work this morning. He had invited me to come to breakfast with him today but I declined, opting to pack some of the house. I texted him when I woke up:
I am not sure if the polygraph and results had anything to do with it. I think it may be a contributing factor. Also, our therapist said something that really sunk in. He told me that whatever I can imagine Will doing with these other women, whatever I can imagine him saying..he probably did and said. He told me that there is nothing in the world I can do to change it. He also said that Will is doing his best to forget every single woman’s name, face, voice, body shape etc. Here is the important part…I can choose to dwell on all of that and keep turning it over in my mind, or I can take this poly for what it says. Will is NOW being scrupulously honest and is focusing on the present and the future…WITH ME. It is my choice as to what I make my focus. I am choosing to trust the Lie Guy..who says that Will is practicing rigorous honesty. In time, I will trust Will too.