Today was our 37th wedding anniversary. Will sent me a text saying “Happy Anniversary Baby, I’ve got you on my mind.” From the song some of you are old enough to remember. I responded with a request to pick up a few more moving boxes on his way home. I think anniversaries are to mark something momentous. Something important. Something special. They are generally something to celebrate. I am not in a place where it make sense to me to celebrate marrying Will. Although we are working towards a life together…a healthy relationship…I can’t honestly say that if he asked me to marry him all over again right now, my answer would be yes. It is just too soon.
This has been a difficult week. Will has stepped up and I have seen progress, but I have had to go through some pain to get there. So, to explain what happens, first I have a confession…something I did that I am not proud of. But, also, something I did when I was fully in my trauma and PTSD was a pretty frequent hijacker of my brain. I went on a shaming site and posted the Skank’s photo and told the world what a disgusting whore she was. I didn’t think anything about it although I did tell Will a few weeks after I did it. Well, apparently, Skank who is married now, has been a pretty busy little slut. Evidently, someone else also posted her photo on the same site, accusing her not only of sleeping around but also of stealing from her employer and a few other nasty acts. Someone then sent the posting to one of Skank’s co-workers or boss or something. Well, Skank still works for a subsidiary of Will’s company and Will is in charge of information systems security. He was notified that someone has used company email and they wanted to make sure their system was secure. Will called me to ask me if this was my posting and if I had emailed it to anyone at Skank’s work. He read part of the post to me….nope…not mine. Some other wife whose husband Skank had screwed. Will was concerned that it was somehow going to be traced back to him and cause him issues at work. He was relieved to find that it wasn’t . That was all on Monday. On Tuesday, Will called me and said that Skank had just called him and said, “Tell your wife to remove the post she put on the home wrecker website within seven days or my lawyer will take legal action.” Will did not say a word. He hung up on her and called me. I was angry that YET AGAIN she had broken a boundary and contacted him. He was angry too. He composed several emails..none of which seemed adequate. He did not send any of them. When he got home, I was disappointed that he hadn’t come to the logical conclusion. This whole mess had absolutely nothing to do with us. This was entirely Skank’s problem. The only issue he should have been concerned with was that she had accused me of something I did not do and broke a boundary to do it. When he realized it, he looked up her cell on the company directory. He called her. When she said hello, he practically yelled at her. He told her that we had nothing to do with that post. We have nothing to do with her or her problems. How dare she accuse me! And as I have told you before, DO NOT EVER CONTACT ME IN ANY WAY AGAIN! EVER!!! She started to say something but at that point Will hung up on her. I don’t recall a time when I have felt protected and defended by Will in such a demonstrable way. I have to tell you, it felt pretty wonderful. I felt….valued. He was genuinely angry that this disgusting whore had again found her way into our lives and conversation. That she had hurt me…again. True that she was only connected to me because of Will’s involvement with her in the first plac and he totally owned that, but defended me. ME.
So, would I marry Will again? Right now after 37 years of uncertainty, disappointment and feeling unsafe and lonely? Still no. But maybe at 38 years….IF this new improved Will turns out to be the real deal. Check back with me next year to see if I have anything worth celebrating…..