One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

img_0295

Will and I saw our couples therapist today. Generally that is a good thing and signifies progress. I say “generally” because it is certainly not a sure thing. Sometimes, even 17 months post d-day, there are ugly little nuggets of disclosure that rear their nasty little heads. Today was one of those days. Yes, even this far into recovery (not simply sobriety, which I assure you is different) I was hit with a new disclosure and I feel floored again. Will’s explanation is that he disclosed this to his therapist waaaayy back in July of 2015… at the first polygraph…with the disclosure I was not present for….that I never heard…but was told by the therapist was “great”…that triggered a three, or five, or seven day PTSD episode that I cannot recall. To me, this is complete therapy abuse. Different therapist (thankfully!) but nonetheless, I was in the dark, so this is new to me. OF COURSE he has passed his polys since then. He has disclosed all of his disgusting past. What the polys do not ask is if he has disclosed them specifically TO ME. Ya know, the one he cheated on. The one he hurt. The single person in the entire world that he could commit adultery against.  The only woman in the world who has put up with his shit for over 37 years. Oh, yeah…me. Just the wife. Just the mother of his children, his life partner, the grandmother of his amazing grandkids and savior time and again of his sorry loser ass!!! I asked Will to leave our sad little trailer for a couple of days. I need to process. I need to think. I need to cry. I need to mourn yet another ugly betrayal, another lie, another layer of hurt. Does it ever end? Ever? Please…fellow bloggers…tell me this gets better! Tell me that at some point there is NO MORE. Because I am near my ropes end….really…

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

  1. I’m sorry he keeps breaking your heart. That’s what it is that’s what they do. What I never understood was why? And why do they seem not to be able to understand the pain they cause us. I’m praying for you. Take care of you.❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry you are experiencing this trauma all over again. You have worked very hard for so long and do not deserve this. I wish there were words that could take away the pain for you. Praying for you and sending you strength as you face another steep hill to climb. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry, Leigh. You sound exhausted and angry and defeated. It’s so unfair. Time and again, you work hard to heal and move forward and this person keeps dragging you down and it has nothing to do with your choices… I know something about that too.

    Sending you the warmest thoughts of ice cream, unicorns and rainbows.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it is a series of connecting each hurt to the last, or being able to disconnect them and understand that part of the addiction is driving this stuff, and that ‘full disclosure’ is not really possible, even though it seems desirable. I mean that in the sense of (from my non-addiction experience with infidelity) that I was never in the room with them, I never saw every text message, heard every nuance of their conversations, I don’t know what shops they stopped at on the way to coffee hookups, etc. Deciding which way to move as you manoeuvre through this journey is its own hell. Take some time to work through this. I was told I would KNOW if and when I had enough. I really believed that for a long time. That one day I would wake up and have it completely clearly laid out for me, lol. For me, I never knew which way was best. But for me (again, I can’t emphasise enough that I am me, and everyone is different) one day I had to decide, even if it wasn’t clear, as too many years were sliding by where I was no longer living my best me. Letting the magical, all knowing, all deciding universe decide for me was just too passive. So I made a decision. (Yeah, I changed my mind a bunch of times, but I think I knew.) One day, you will feel you have to decide and jump that way, with both feet, whichever way that is. For me – and I emphasise that I am speaking for myself only here, to illustrate the decision-making process – I realised that I felt unable to jump back in fully with him, despite desperately wanting to, and loving him fiercely, and having one of those often described as somewhat of a unicorn, who was genuinely remorseful, and not fucking up (much, lol.) I just couldn’t convince myself to go all in. It was this mental block I have, that I can’t believe that love would let someone treat you as poorly as he did, that the (I thought exceptional) love we had would allow him to infect me with that vile non-person’s diseases, target me as a terrible partner, label me as ‘not good enough’ to all and sundry. I had to make a choice. I have to make it every day, still. It parallels the addict’s journey. I have to make a choice every day not to love him, not to imagine that life we planned. It’s so hard. But I am gaining, ever so slowly. I think one of the harder things along this very, very hard journey is making decisions. Wishing you a heap of love and strength as you battle through this latest setback xxx.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. He is working on his heart, his character, his willpower and so many other things. Truly, miracles happen. When you have time, read my story from the beginning. You will see how far we have come on this journey.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s