Where Is The Love?

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Remember that song? From Robert Flack in the 70’s? Yeah, so I heard it the other day and for the first time I realized it was an OW song. . .

Where is the love

(Where is the love)
Where is the love
(Where is the love)
Where is the love
(Where is the love)
Where is the love

Where is the love
You said you’d give to me
Soon as you were free
Will it ever be
Where is the love

You told me that you didn’t love her
And you were gonna say goodbye
But if you really didn’t mean it
Why did you have to lie

Where is the love
You said was mine all mine
Till the end of time
Was it just a lie
Where is the love

If you had had a sudden change of heart
I wish that you would tell me so
Don’t leave me hangin on the promises
You’ve got to let me know

Oh, how I wish I never met you
I guess it must have been my fate
To fall in love with someone else’s love
All I can do is wait
(That’s all I can do)
Yeah, hey, yeah

Ugh! I used to like that song! But it made me start thinking about Will and the love he’s always said was reserved for me. He has been consistent in his claim that he never felt anything,ever, for any of his APs. To him, they were a means to an end, only cheaper than prostitutes and massage parlors. And, (his words) a LOT more work. So, I guess my question then is, “where is the love?” I mean, I know that Will is an intimacy anorexic and that it is a process, but at some point, isn’t there a breakthrough? A pivot point? An epiphany? I find that I catch myself at odd times just waiting. Waiting for some kind of grand gesture. Some big “sign” or clue that he is all of a sudden madly, deeply, stupidly in love with me. At other times, I just want him to open up and need me. And only me. Not in a sexual way. . .we are nowhere near that type of intimacy yet. . .just as ME! The one person who supposedly now knows all of his secrets and thoughts and feelings. The one person he is the closest to in the world. The one person he can confide in and trust. But. . .I still feel his distance. I still feel his isolation. I still feel his withdrawal. And I worry. I wonder. I imagine.

And then I surrender.

I know that I cannot manage Wills recovery, nor do I wish to take that on. . .I have enough to juggle managing my own. . .but I often wish he would share more about where he is with me. I realize this is a far cry from a year ago when all I wanted was for him to shut up already about “recovery this” or “healthy that” but, I, and we, were in a different place then.  Again, my impatience rears its ugly head and I know that time will tell a different story. . .but I crave love, and affection, and closeness, and connection. . .with Will. And I know that it cannot come thru physical intimacy yet. He is not ready and I know that I am not, so how do we get there?

I continue to work hard and do the things I know are healthy for me. I know that Will is working hard and I DO see such great change in him. . .yet. . . I am still left asking that question:

Where is the love?

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Where Is The Love?

  1. I would imagine this has been his default mode since childhood. Childhood should be safe. If it isn’t then kids do whatever they can to be safe. If he felt threatened he probably got quiet and now he has to learn to open up. Are you allowed to be affectionate? I don’t know where he is in his treatment. People need touch. Hugs, nonsexual hugs, are so important,for both of you. You might always have to be the one who reaches out. It might be too difficult for him because he feels vulnerable. Gambling, sex, alcohol are much easier to deal with than the very scary part of making himself vulnerable emotionally. Without you even knowing it he kept you at arms length because opening himself up as a child was painful so he carried that into adulthood. Add to that an addictive personality and you have Will.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, we hug…but I always feel it’s only when HE needs a hug or if for some reason he feels obligated. And you have hit the nail on the head…this perfectly describes Will. So frustrating!

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  2. Great post, LeighKay. I remember those days. At first his “love” seemed to be merely his own neediness and he was putting out fires with me. I.e., if I was triggered or in trauma he would hold me, as if that would solve everything. Thankfully those days are way behind us. My six weeks away created a stronger bond between us. The stressors of home are still here, but the relationship is better. We have always been intimate, however, and were complete failures at nonsexual intimacy as it always led to sex, for both of us. All part of our healing process, I guess. You need to feel loved in your partnership. I know we can genuinely love ourselves and all that, but why be in a partnership if we aren’t getting that basic level of human intimacy that is crucial to fulfillment. I hope Will is able to achieve a level of intimacy that works for you. Big Hugs!!! ❤

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