New Starts

 

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Wow….I can’t believe that today is the first of February. February! I flew through January seemingly without noticing. It has been a whirlwind of a month to say the least. We moved into our new home and while that has been largely a positive thing, an unexpected mix of emotions has assailed me. As we had a new sofa delivered, I found myself praying that Will would never defile it by screwing some slut on it like he did our old one. As I unpacked boxes, some of our old photos triggered memories of times when I thought we had a good marriage…only now I know those were times when Will was living a secret life. Ironically, we bought a new bedroom set which is solid and beautiful. However, the wrong size bed frame was delivered. So, although it was ordered three months before we moved in, we are now sleeping downstairs in our new guest room while we await the new bed. Maybe this is God’s gentle reminder that the marital  bed is sacred and should not be considered “just another piece of furniture.” So hopefully, next week, we will finally be fully moved in. And maybe, just maybe, I will feel settled. Because I feel very unsettled right now.

I have pondered this feeling and tried to pinpoint why, exactly, I should feel this way and am struggling to understand. Will and I are still progressing in our therapy together and we are still going to our respective individual meetings. We are communicating more and better than ever. Yet….I feel a distance. I truly believe it is not Will. It is something within me. I am missing something and I can’t seem to put my finger on it. It is disconcerting and confusing and part of me wants to push it aside, like in the old days, and just chalk it up to silly wandering of my mind. But I don’t do that anymore. I refuse to do that anymore as that is a practice which too easily becomes a habit, which too easily becomes a devastating path to pain. So, I will continue to ponder and pray and try to figure these confusing thoughts and feelings out, maybe with the help of our therapist, and will continue to try to settle into this new start. This does beg the question though: Is this what we do? Continually start and re-start? Is this how we grow and learn in life?  Maybe this is yet another layer of progress, another level of healing and I am just stumbling a little. I will let you know….as soon as I figure it out. 😉

 

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10 thoughts on “New Starts

  1. Moving is one of the top stressors in our lives. You have had a devastating year. It was so overwhelming that you needed to go to a place of emotional safety. You have given up a house to live in a trailer. You have had to battle getting your children to understand the agony you have lived through. No wonder you feel odd. Up is down, Black is white. Give yourself a chance to just breathe. Look after your mental and physical health and let the rest of it just be.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Moi…trying to do that but things are just so…unsettled. Trying to let it go and give everything some time. Thank you for your always kind words of encouragement! ❤

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  2. My thoughts are that this is a permanent result of betrayal. Our minds are very protective mechanisms. We do far more risk assessment after we have been injured.

    I like that you are examining your thought processes. Hope your therapist is able to guide you through this period. What does Will think about your reaction – is he understanding of it? Seems perfectly normal to me.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am hoping this is the case..that this is my normal reaction due to abnormal circumstances of the past. That makes sense to me. Will is actually supportive and patient..that alone is new and still somewhat wired.😳 Still not used to “that guy.” I am hoping time in our new space, in new surroundings will help. Thank you my friend! ❤

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  3. Hard, after being cheated on, to ever feel completely at peace because of the elephant in the room. The best you can do is walk tall and carry a big shovel. That being said, enjoy your new home

    Liked by 2 people

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