There Are Still Days…

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Sometimes, I am going along in my life, doing the things that I do, and I am fine. Really. I mean, I feel (almost) like any other woman, married, with kids and grandkids, pursuing hobbies, living life. Sometimes. But, not always. Still, too often, I am weighed down by the knowledge that the one person in my life that I gave my heart and soul, my hopes and dreams, my trust and love to…betrayed me. So many times and with so many women, that even he is not sure of the number. And it still hurts. Just as deeply and indescribably raw as when I discovered his deceit. And then I have one of “those” days.

I struggle to rise from bed, and when I do, it seems a monumental task to get dressed or open the blinds to the glaring sunlight. Leaving the house…going “out there” among normal people…is unthinkable. It is safer here. Within the walls of this new home, where no other woman has bared herself for my husband’s use. Where pornography has never been viewed and phone sex with some desperate whore has never been had. It is safe to withdraw to my computer, to my writing, to my art, to my books. Although, sometimes, even those things don’t interest me. That is when I know my depression has taken over and that is my scary place.

So, I pray. I call other partners. I work my program. I try to engage in something…anything…to occupy my thoughts. I use all the tools in my toolbox to pull myself back to me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it takes a lot of work. But, I am still here. Day in, day out. Fighting for me, for who I want to be, for who I know I can become. It’s exhausting. And there is still part of me that hates Will for doing this to me…to us. I don’t know if that will ever go away. The hate is scary too.

Today is one of those days and I am praying hard and begging God to take this from me. I welcome your prayers today. ❤

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7 thoughts on “There Are Still Days…

  1. I just had one of those days yesterday after a year of recovery. Am still working through it. Glad t know it’s not just me. Sad to know it’s probably going to keep happening to me for a long time. Grateful for my support system and my sisters in recovery.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too, Boomer. This community has been an absolute lifeline and unwavering source of support. I think bad days are inevitable because of the depth of the trauma, but they are less frequent as time goes by. Hang in there sister! ❤

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  2. I pray ease is just around the corner for you, that you will always get the strength needed to get through these days and that they’ll be lighter to bear and lesser in number. I pray that you’ll feel better soon, and that someone/something be sent your way to cheer you up.

    Like

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