Two

 

IMG_0492Two years. TWO YEARS. That is how long it’s been since I trusted Will. That’s how long it’s been since I felt secure. That’s how long it’s been since I felt innocent and clean. Two years ago, on May 17, 2015, I saw Will’s phone with a texted picture of Danielle posing for him in the Victoria Secret lingerie he bought her. I saw Will looking at me with a terrified face and saying, “It’s only texting! Nothing more!” Still trying to deny it as I read about how he liked the way her ass felt in his hands. . .

We met today with our counselor and discussed why I have been on edge this past week since returning home from a visit with my son and his family. Well, it turns out that there are a lot of triggers this time of year that I have been stuffing down and they all came up today, my 2 year mark from D-day. We leave for Florida in a week. Two years ago, in Florida, Will was distant, even mean, and unable to perform sexually. I asked him what was wrong…was it me? Was there someone else? He gaslighted me to the point that I apologized and cried. How DARE I even ask him that after he brought me to Florida?!

Last night we went to my grandsons sixth birthday party. Two years ago, we had his fourth birthday party at a pizza place. Will was distant, and disconnected from me and the grandkids. He kept disappearing. . .to the restroom, to go get more napkins, to find a waiter for more sodas. And he would be gone for quite a while.

He was on his phone. With Danielle. Like he was in Florida. Talking. And texting. And sexting. About what they did and what they were going to do next time they were together.

So, this has been in my vault. Locked away behind my every day stuff. Behind the mom and grandma stuff that I have been handling. Behind the new home and the fledgling renewed marriage stuff. Behind the trying to find my way in a different place and different type of life stuff. Buried far beneath the happy face and “I’m OKs” and the caretaker and nestbuilder and fun grandma, caring mom, content wife facade that covers so much, and that I thought I had given up for my newer, bolder, more genuine ME.

So, I begin, again, to re-emerge from the darker recesses of myself which I allow the people I love to place me. They don’t do it purposely. They are used to a certain me. One they love, but maybe more important, one they really like.  I am not always that likeable me anymore…because that takes so much effort. Effort that I don’t always have. I allowed it today as my oldest daughter called to unload about the difficulties she was having with my oldest granddaughter. I listened, I offered my shoulder to cry on, I offered the advice she was seeking. Then I got off the phone and fell apart. Because it was too much. Too much for today. Too much other ugly, sad, hurt on a day when ugly, sad and hurt were already overwhelming me. It was hurtful that no one knew that today was d-day for me, except Will. And he tried. And, I guess, looking back, that is saying quite a lot. He tried, he IS trying. WE are trying.

I will be glad when I wake up tomorrow and it won’t be today anymore.

 

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15 thoughts on “Two

  1. I like the idea that as we grow older we learn the real power of the word “no”. It stops us from letting others take advantage of us. Stay strong!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am finding strength in that word too. It is one of the more difficult things to do after a lifetime habit of putting myself second (or third, fourth, fifth…) to everyone else’s needs. But when I am able to place priority in myself, I am happier, stronger and more capable. Thank you, as always, for understanding and for your compassion. ❤️

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      1. In the partner’s support group I am involved with, we consider saying “no” as genuine self care. No, I can’t bake muffins for church. No, I can’t do that errand for you. No, I don’t have time tonight….. I have also been learning that “No” is a complete sentence and requires no explanations. That part is especially tough for me.

        Your words and insights show me that you are a woman of incredible resilience. A warrior woman!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Isn’t it amazing that such a little bitty word can be so hard to say?! I AM getting better at it but is very easy to fall right back into the habit of forgetting that very small, very important word. Thank you for your insights…**hugs**

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It is hard to say because it is risky and scary. It opens you up to unknown responses that may hurt your already fragile heart. It brings the possibility of rejection and can make me feel like I’m not enough. And then the guilt comes that I am not a good mother or whatever. But it does get easier and it is actually surprising how often the recipient of the “no” accepts it positively. It just takes practice like anything else.

        Liked by 1 person

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