Time

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Time is a funny thing. The older I get the more elusive time tracking gets for me. My memory is so very crystal clear about many things; my grandchildren’s sweet faces and words, my kids as they have grown into such amazing adults and parents themselves, places I have been, things I have experienced, foods I have tasted, feelings. . . Ah….here is where my memories become so muddied and time seems stilted and disjointed.  So many of my memories are not just sights and sounds and smells, but the feelings that accompanied those senses. And those feelings get jumbled when the lens of betrayal is placed on them. And I have no choice but to see things through that lens now, because nothing is as I thought. And then the time warp begins. I desperately want those good feelings to remain intact. I want the happiness and contentment I thought I felt to stay firmly in place. I need my memories of my life to remain stable and sane (relatively 😳) so that I feel sane and stable. Relatively. Only they are not. Nothing was what it seemed. Time cannot be regained. Tainted memories cannot be erased. History will not be rewritten.

June 30th marked 38 years of marriage for Will and I. I have been committed and engaged and working hard on being married for at least 36 of those years. (There were some really horrible times when I just didn’t care and wanted to leave.) For Will, he has been really, truly a married man for nearly two years. I still feel so cheated and cheated on. I still have so much resentment. I still hurt. I’m still triggered…way more than I want to be, or feel that I should. Will is still doing all the recovery stuff he is supposed to do. . . But. . .

I caught him taking a second look today at a woman in short shorts at CostCo. The look of guilt on his face was not one of  “I can’t believe I stumbled in my recovery.” It was more like, “Crap, I got caught!” I spiraled. I’m not good. I’m mad, I’m hurt, I’m disgusted, I’m. . .I don’t know…but not good. I feel like he has been doing double takes and fantasizing all along and lying about it, and I only just now caught him because he got sloppy. I HATE this. I am doing some self care. I have asked for some distance..not physically..just detach for awhile so I can process.

I just want this to stop. I don’t want to be this person and I don’t want to live like this forever. When will it get better?

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8 thoughts on “Time

  1. Please understand that these words are spoken/written with care and love, not judgement or criticism because I certainly don’t know the answer and what you are doing and not doing, but the answer to your question “when will it get better?” may lie in part in these words “Will is still doing all the recovery stuff he is supposed to do. . . But. . .” My question for you is, are you doing all the recovery stuff you are supposed to do? Regardless of his relapses (or not, if he is continuing to do it, it really isn’t a relapse is it?) you need to continue with your own healing and know you will be okay no matter what choices he makes. Only you can heal your own wounds. He can’t do that for you. Your heart is precious and yes, scarred, but it is possible that every time he picks at the scab it will hurt less. (((Hugs))) to you dear Leigh.

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    1. Yes…and this is what is so frustrating. So much progress, so many huge strides made, and then. . . Ugh! It just gets so discouraging at times. Thank you for your uplifting words. I know it is “progress not perfection” and I continue to work hard on me. **big hugs**

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  2. I had a conversation about desire in males with a family friend. I asked him if it is true that men look at almost all women as sex objects. He said they do but it is fleeting. My husband agrees. We are all visual creatures. Women can appreciate men and enjoy looking at them but most of us do not feel desire for them.
    Sex addicts look at women and then obsess about them. How to get them. Plans get made and carried out. Even with a trip to a prostitute some planning and a whole lot of lies must happen.
    I think the minute we left being hunter/gatherers we started making time for wonderful discoveries but we also made time for mischief. If we need to sneak around to kill our supper that part of the brain comes along as we invent rockets, clocks, trains. It is not necessary for our daily lives anymore but it has not disappeared. Put an addiction in there and the hunter part of the brain is activated with no real ability to turn it off without intense help.
    Your husband sounds somewhat narcissistic. They have a difficult time putting themselves in another’s shoes. I imagine you have been the stability in your family so that when you fell apart no one knew what to do or how to behave. I think you wrote that your children got angry at you. Now everyone has to learn a new role. You can’t be the caretaker of your family when you are hurting. I hope your husband has started growing up. His self indulgence has nearly destroyed you and your marriage.
    I hope your new home and his new honesty is giving you some peace.

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    1. Ah, you know me well my friend. This is the dynamic in my family and we are all still feeling around trying to find our new place and new role post d-day. For the most part, we are doing ok, but there are still those days. . . *sigh* It all gets to be so much sometimes. Thanks, as always, for your wisdom and insight! * hugs*

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  3. I love rainbows, but lets all be honest….. living with someone who cheated on you is like pushing around a wheelbarrow full of manure….. you never know when the smell will overcome you. You can wear a gas mask and keep pushing or you can dump the load. Ever person going through this has to walk their own path and do what they feel is right for them. Honestly I think the scars are so deep that you carry them with you forever, stay or go. That being said, take care of YOU.

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    1. Ha! I can trust you to cut to the chase, Anna. Yes, it is definitely a choice and a huge part of the struggle. The truth is, with a sex addict, there is no “good” choice. Both staying and going sucks. The struggle is determining if I chose the option which sucked less.

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  4. The thing that got easier for me, Leigh, was letting go of the trauma I felt over every little strange sexually addicted behavior that BE participated in. He’s still working on it a few of those behaviors, but most are long gone. As long as he is communicating openly with me about what he is doing and feeling, I am mostly fine. He’s working it out. Those women are like an alcoholic taking a second look at a glass of whisky… they are not real people to the addict. They are an object, a drug. I am not putting down some innocent shorts-wearing lady at Costco, obviously we are all valuable human beings (some of us nicer than others), but what matters is what our husbands are doing to work on themselves. Everything else is noise. I still struggle with BE actually communicating his real and true feelings to me when he is struggling. That is a problem. As far as the symptoms of their disease, to a certain extent they will always be there, it’s what they do with them that really matters. I hope you know that although we don’t deserve this path, we have chosen it with eyes wide open (now) and we always have choices. Although I appreciate Annasnow’s sentiment, I personally love my husband and do not consider being with him to be like pushing around a wheelbarrow full of manure. There is no perfect human, no perfect mate. Is our burden perhaps more difficult than our neighbor’s? Maybe, I don’t know, but we have made the choice. Blogging is a great outlet, but a positive attitude is also a blessing. Love to you! ❤

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    1. You have a way of putting things my sweet Kat, which seems to balance the tilt. I need to remember to communicate my feeling to Will, about communicating HIS feelings. It is still not a habit for him and it adds to my frustration when I get triggered. Indeed, I believe it pushes me into a deeper spiral that I am not far enough along to manage completely. I have a positive attitude for the most part, but ugh! it’s so easy to be pulled over to the “dark side!” Thank you dear friend. I am so grateful for you! XOXO

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