Time is a funny thing. The older I get the more elusive time tracking gets for me. My memory is so very crystal clear about many things; my grandchildren’s sweet faces and words, my kids as they have grown into such amazing adults and parents themselves, places I have been, things I have experienced, foods I have tasted, feelings. . . Ah….here is where my memories become so muddied and time seems stilted and disjointed. So many of my memories are not just sights and sounds and smells, but the feelings that accompanied those senses. And those feelings get jumbled when the lens of betrayal is placed on them. And I have no choice but to see things through that lens now, because nothing is as I thought. And then the time warp begins. I desperately want those good feelings to remain intact. I want the happiness and contentment I thought I felt to stay firmly in place. I need my memories of my life to remain stable and sane (relatively 😳) so that I feel sane and stable. Relatively. Only they are not. Nothing was what it seemed. Time cannot be regained. Tainted memories cannot be erased. History will not be rewritten.
June 30th marked 38 years of marriage for Will and I. I have been committed and engaged and working hard on being married for at least 36 of those years. (There were some really horrible times when I just didn’t care and wanted to leave.) For Will, he has been really, truly a married man for nearly two years. I still feel so cheated and cheated on. I still have so much resentment. I still hurt. I’m still triggered…way more than I want to be, or feel that I should. Will is still doing all the recovery stuff he is supposed to do. . . But. . .
I caught him taking a second look today at a woman in short shorts at CostCo. The look of guilt on his face was not one of “I can’t believe I stumbled in my recovery.” It was more like, “Crap, I got caught!” I spiraled. I’m not good. I’m mad, I’m hurt, I’m disgusted, I’m. . .I don’t know…but not good. I feel like he has been doing double takes and fantasizing all along and lying about it, and I only just now caught him because he got sloppy. I HATE this. I am doing some self care. I have asked for some distance..not physically..just detach for awhile so I can process.
I just want this to stop. I don’t want to be this person and I don’t want to live like this forever. When will it get better?