On Being Lonely

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Will and I used to have such a “great” social life…back in the day. Lots of friends, lots of parties, fun times out, friends over for dinners and holidays. We really were a go to couple for social gatherings and good times. What I didn’t know was that Will was more than social with more than a few of those so-called friends at the time. In 1995, I had had enough of Will’s drinking and abuse. He had ruined us financially with his gambling and finally disclosed his serial cheating. (I thought completely at the time..he was still lying) I was leaving. I went back to my faith and began making plans for divorce. Will seemed resigned at first but then had a change of heart. He, too, began to attend church and we reconciled. He seemed to be a new man. I never saw him drink, he cleaned up his language and never laid a hand on me in anger again. Because he dutifully served in the church, I believed his sexual acting out and gambling had stopped too. Our social life changed. We had a few close couple friends who knew our story and were with us through our life changing conversion from party people to a solid family committed to our marriage and to God. Then we got orders and moved.

It is always difficult in a new place in the military lifestyle. It takes a little while to find one’s niche…one’s posse…one’s crew. But this move was a little harder. At church we felt at odds telling anyone about Will’s past…at least Will did. he didn’t want me to give anyone details…so I didn’t. He didn’t go out drinking with anyone at work and didn’t really like anyone he now worked with. I had friends at my job and tried to go on double date nights with Will and my friends and their hubby’s.Nothing ever clicked. We had several good friends thru church and had an active enough social life in that respect…just no one we felt really close to. I felt like we were hiding the big secret that was Will’s “former” life.

Will retired from the military and got a great job. I thought maybe this would lead to some new social opportunities. But, no. A couple of great company trips and hanging out at resorts with his co-workers…but that’s it. He moved within the company to a new division and, well, he didn’t really seem interested in making good friends or introducing me to anyone. I retreated into myself. I began to find it harder and harder to make friends. I dreaded questions about Will and I. How long we had been married. Where we had lived. Why had we fallen from our faith and what had brought us back. It became easier to just rely on my family, my kids, who knew our history.  I would find a group of girlfriends at work, but when talk of the past or of personal stuff came up, the friendships became scary for me and I would just sort of let them go. I know now that I was suffering from unresolved trauma but did not know what it was. All I knew was I felt much like I always had…there was something shameful and embarrassing in our past and I shouldn’t talk about it. So I didn’t.

I felt myself slowly diminish into a shadow of myself for 20 years. 20 long years. I was so alone. I had my children…and then my grandchildren. I took care of my home, my husband, my family, my job, was a dutiful daughter and sister. A faithful church member and friendly neighbor. But I was so very lonely. My oldest daughter had never been able to stand me. I think she loved me, but it was somewhere very deep within her. She admits to hating me for a very long time. My son was away on a mission for two years and my younger daughter lived out-of-state.  I had my two dogs…which Will did NOT want to get but allowed and did love eventually. Still, I was alone. Will began to travel a lot. I was lonelier still.

In 2013, an amazing thing happened. My younger daughter moved home! Her husband had been stationed at our nearby base and they bought a home less than 5 mins from me. I was ecstatic! My four grandkids and my best-friend-daughter-that-never-hated-me was home! I wasn’t lonely for the first time in decades! They would go to the zoo and invite me. I wanted to go out to lunch and would call them. They needed someone to help with Halloween costumes…I was there! It was glorious! I was happy! Will would go out-of-town and it was ok…I would go over for movie night.

Then D-day. My daughters were the first people I called. They came over. My oldest preferred to call Will before getting to the house. In the meantime, my sweet daughter who shared everything with me and me with her, did not take the news that I had asked Will to leave the house because I caught him having an affair. She screamed. And then said simply, “I can’t be here.” And left. My older daughter came in and told me that Will was staying at her house and she already knew what had happened…she had just gotten off the phone with him. She offered to stay with me for a few minutes. My son called and all he could say was, “Oh my Gosh.” He just kept repeating that. His sweet wife texted me 30 minutes later saying she loved me, came stay with them out-of-state for awhile if I needed to.

And then. . .nothing. I was left to myself. My oldest called to make sure I was “okay.” My younger daughter did not call. My son texted, “I love you, mom.” None of the kids could or would talk to me. I foolishly thought that after protecting them and nurturing them their whole lives, they would be there for me when I was so very alone. I was wrong.

Later when I found out the full extent of the betrayal from Will, I called and told my mother. I told her about Will and my sister. She took my sister’s side. My sister attacked me via text with such vile and disgusting language I had to block her.  I no longer have a mom or a sister. My older sister died just after this incident two years ago and I was threatened if I came home for the funeral. Tomorrow, my older sister would have been 58. Again, I was a fool to think that after supporting my mother, bailing her out financially, protecting my sister and being there for here time and time again…there would be comfort or support for me. Again, I was wrong. Neither of them are part of my life anymore.

Now, over two years after D-day, I am again alone. We have moved again. Our new church does not know our history or the trauma. They do not know us. I am afraid of the questions. Why did you move? (Because my husband screwed a nasty herpes infested whore in every room of my old house and it reeked of skank and deceit.) Yeah…not the best way to gain new friends.

My younger daughter and her family have moved again too…out of state. But, that relationship has never been the same. I no longer have a best friend. My older daughter is still here and she no longer hates me, so that is good. But we are not best friends. I don’t have friends. I am so very, very alone.

Will works farther away from home now, twice the drive to and from, so is home with me less. I am physically alone most of my day…every day. I talk to my dog…and the robot vacuum. I don’t like who I am becoming. And I haven’t got the first clue how to change it. It is exhausting even thinking about trying to make friends. I am terrified that somehow, someone will *gasp* find out! That we will be looked at as “those” people. The pressure of living an isolated, hidden, shameful life is slowly killing me. How? How do I get past this, blogger friends? What do I do? Please help!

Leigh ❤️

 

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29 thoughts on “On Being Lonely

  1. “I retreated into myself…   …find it harder and harder to make friends.  …unresolved trauma.  …friendships became scary for me.  …shameful and embarrassing in our past and I shouldn’t talk about it. So I didn’t.
    …slowly diminishing into a shadow of myself
    I am physically alone most of my day…every day.
    I don’t like who I am becoming and I haven’t got the first clue how to change it.
    It is exhausting even thinking about trying to make friends. I am terrified that somehow, someone will *gasp* find out! That we will be looked at as “those” people.
    The pressure of living an isolated, hidden, shameful life is slowly killing me. How? How do I get past this, blogger friends? What do I do?”

    Leigh this is my life too. It’s a dark, lonely pit to be stuck in. Initially, while I was still in shock and numbed out, it seemed to be a haven. A safe, quiet and comfy place. A place where I could just BE with my new reality …with no one looking at me …for the first time ever.

    Every time I’ve tried to climb out, the ‘slime and mud’ have overwhelmed me and the ‘walls’ of the pit have caved in more. Then flashbacks hound me, they play like videos on the screen of my mind, decades of videos… and I wonder what is wrong with me?!! Why haven’t I run. Why would I even contemplate having all that shit in my life? The prostitutes and disease… The perversion and lies… The utter filth…

    None of my kids know the truth and I often wonder if it would help if they did but I’m terrified that it would tear the family apart as it seems to have done to yours.

    I wish I had some answers for you Leigh. Sorry.

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    1. Oh sweet friend….I know…I know. I sometimes feel that I only have this outlet and all of you “in here” to confide in and find release. The thought of venturing “out there” among people who have no idea what sex addiction is, what serial infidelity does to someone, how absolute betrayal changes a woman…well, it is frightening. There are so many topics which bring up triggers in everyday convos…I mean, one cannot even discuss politics or current events without sexually controversially issues dominating the discussion. I even get triggered at church when people talk about the “evils of pornography.” Please….how do I make friends with women who are so sheltered that the sight of a woman in a bikini on a beach is appalling? I just don’t know how to move forward and I am so frustrated….
      Thank you for always being here and for your depth of understanding. Much love to you dear friend ❤️❤️❤️

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  2. I don’t have any advice, because it’s such a tricky situation to be in. It is so difficult to get any near friends when one can’t be open about things that affected and still affects ones life so much, and one feels like a hypocrite for not being completely open, and it’s stressful to have to constantly skip certain subjects in conversations. I don’t know how to get a best friend without sharing important things, because that’s the point with friendship, to share, listen, give/get advice and get/receive support. And even if one start hobbies or meet others, the hidden issue hinders growth relationwise. Hence I don’t have any best friends either and feel lonely despite having my kids around (aged 10 and under). Ideally I should rely on God and focus on working on becoming a better believer, and find peace and contentment through that, instead of worrying over worldly matters, making this longing for near friends the same. Anyway, I hope that your relationship with your kids will get better (their reaction and lack of action must have hurt a lot😔) and I hope that you will get great friendships soon God willing ❤️.

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  3. I don’t have any advice, because it’s such a tricky situation to be in. It is so difficult to get any near friends when one can’t be open about things that affected and still affects ones life so much, and one feels like a hypocrite for not being completely open, besides it’s stressful to have to constantly skip certain subjects in conversations. So I don’t know how to get a best friend without sharing important things, because that’s the point with/foundation of friendships; to share, unload, listen, give/get advice and get/receive support. And even if one start hobbies or meet others, the hidden unspoken issues hinders further growth relationwise. Hence I don’t have any best friends either and feel lonely despite having my kids around (aged 10 and under). Ideally I should rely on God and focus on working on becoming a better believer, and find peace and contentment through that, instead of worrying over worldly matters, which is only making this longing for near friends the same.

    Anyway, I hope that your relationship with your kids will get better (their reaction and lack of action must have hurt a lot😔) and I hope that you will get great friendships soon God willing ❤️.

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    1. Oh, Ease…this is it exactly. How can I foster new friendships if I am uncomfortable with my past…even if it’s not really MY past, but Will’s? It’s really just crazy…I know that I will work through this and I will eventually find a solution, but it is not happening soon enough and I get so lonely and frustrated. I prey for comfort and guidance and I have faith that at some point I will sort through this fear and find my way. Thank you for your kindness my friend. ❤️

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  4. Hi Leigh-
    I don’t know the words that will help. I hear you though. Your life is not shameful. Your husband committed shameful acts but your integrity is still intact. I understand about the embarrassment and the shame and I have to remind myself the same thing as I wrote above.
    I could not do it on my own. I finally went for help and saw a psychiatrist for an antidepressant. I plan on eventually stopping them one day but I just could not get my feet out of the mud so to speak. I was stuck and sinking. Perhaps this is a consideration for you?
    Making friends is tough. Keeping old ones and hiding a secret is too. But every marriage, every life is filled with secrets and terrible regrets. I know you already know this. I just hope you can push yourself to go meet new people and do things you love.
    One of the hardest lessons in this mess is the realization that control is an illusion. The only thing we have control Of are our own actions. Scary stuff. Looking at the big picture sometimes is too much. What about today or the next hour. What change or positive action can you do in that timeframe. Thinking of you.

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    1. Ah…I have been on antidepressants since 1996. After D-day they increased my dose to the highest maximum allowed by the FDA. I still go to group meetings but can’t seem to find the nerve to “get out there” and make real friends outside of other betrayed partners. I love these women but I don’t want my entire life to revolve around the sex addiction/recovery world. I feel like I am missing a crucial piece of a puzzle..that one spark of inspiration or knowledge…that will make this heavy fear make sense. Thank you for understanding and your supportive words. Prayers are most welcome if you are the praying type. ❤️🙏

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  5. This is a tough one for me. I have a huge family and I am the oldest and I have spent years taking care of people. Being a big sister to 10, and being a caretaker for friends nearly my whole life has taken its toll. I am not lonely when I am alone. I do long for what was stolen from me and that leaves an empty hole in my heart, but that is not loneliness. I spent decades being social when I didn’t really want to be. I tried to be social after dday and it was further traumatizing. I find myself choosing on some days not to go out and do things because I like staying home better. The exception to this is travel. Relationships with my family have not been part and parcel to the wreckage of BE’s sex addicted secret life being revealed, but I have honestly never felt that close to my siblings, or a lot of my family. I know that is my fault. It is difficult for me to be vulnerable, and it is difficult for them to see me that way. I was always more like an aunt than a give and take sister. I gave, they took. The unfortunate part of where I am now, is people view my desire to be alone as depression, when it is, in fact, my conscious choice. Blue Eyes has never liked being alone, and has never been his own best friend, so frankly he doesn’t understand me in that way. He probably never will. That’s okay. I don’t care. I refuse to feel bad for not being intimidated by what others think of me. But that is all about me and merely a preface to say, I’m so sorry you are feeling abandoned and alone. If being social is in your nature, maybe it is time to reach out for what you want. Not reach out for a place to tell the sordid details of your marriage to Will, but to reach out to share with people who you are.

    Leigh, do you have hobbies? Would maybe taking some classes, be it cooking, quilting, knitting, writing, learning a foreign language, drawing, a hiking or gardening club, cheese making, ha, or a book club, or maybe volunteering for a nonprofit, whatever, maybe fill that void? When you meet new people, based on the situation, you can choose what story to tell. You can have friends that are just for you, not to be shared with Will. I find couple friends particularly difficult. It’s hard to find people we both connect with that are actually married to each other. 🙂 With a class, you can ease into socializing. I had actually always wanted to be in a book club, but I never reached out and it seemed all of my friend’s book clubs were established and full. So I went to our local library, walking distance to our house, and they have multiple book clubs open to anyone.

    Maybe writing about this means you are ready to reach out and have it actually not be about Will’s sex addiction. I have found that as I heal, I have much less desire to spill about how awful this whole ordeal has been (except here on the the blog obviously), and if fact, realize that I am a whole person despite my husband’s addiction. I hope you are able to find that space that belongs to you! ❤

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    1. Wise words, Kat (as usual!) I know in my head that I NEED to get out and DO…but when it comes to crunch time, I am literally frozen in fear and get so caught up with the enormity of it, that I just can’t seem to make a move. It is exhausting. I do write but, like my blog, it’s all virtual and the writers are all just on-line “friends.” I pursue other hobbies but, again, do them alone. I know that, like everything else, this will take time, but dammit, I’m just so lonely. I know I will find a way through this..like everything else and I love your suggestion of a class…my painting has gone by the wayside and I could use a refresher or a new medium. Thank you my friend for always being willing to reach out! Much love! ❤️

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      1. Leighkay – I am in the same place with wanting new friends, but getting stuck/frozen in fear. I think it’s a good sign that we see what is missing from our lives, because then we can try to reach out when we are ready. My husband and I relocated to another state, which was a planned move, shortly after D-Day (it’s “back home” for me – which has been disappointing at times).

        I’m looking at possible options — an art class, a yoga class, etc. Hoping The Universe will guide me and send lovely people my way. But just one or two – and I don’t need to share “all of me” with anyone. I used to have an extensive social life too, and I’ve been isolating quite a bit. In many ways, it’s good self-care for me. I feel safe in my home, and I can choose when I go out into the world — or not.

        I am working on shame. A very gifted psychologist gave me an exercise “Your shame, not mine” — and I can give it back to him. (Not literally.) I do have some shame-by-association. Recently, my husband and I discussed shame vs. guilt. (Shame – “I am bad. Guilt = “I did something bad.) Guilt is healthy, really, when a person does something horrible to others, they should feel badly, try to correct it and then have compassion for themselves. Shame can be toxic. My husband had tremendous guilt, and he confessed, and shortly after, he almost took his life.

        Hoping the New Year brings you some connection. I’m preparing for that as well.

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  6. So sorry that you’re having a bad time. Maybe rather than looking for a friend right now you might want to look into being a friend to someone in need. Volunteer at a hospital. Rocking a baby that’s alone because the parents can’t be there is a total joy as is visiting with patients that are lonely. You won’t have to share your story and you’ll be around people who really appreciate you. Sometimes those pockets inside of us that feel empty when it comes to our families can be filled with the kindness of strangers. ……….Chocolate works too.

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  7. This will sound trite, but in a book I just finished reading a woman was able to find joy after unimaginable tragedy by learning to knit and then joining a knitting club that met in her area.

    The pain you describe is profound. Please know that there are friends and a purpose that you have yet to stumble upon. That also sounds trite when I read it back to myself. I just mean that I wish things were less lonely for you soon.

    And why do people have to be more in love with preserving their illusions than with the truth? You’ve been abused and your mother isn’t offering solace. That is awful.

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    1. Ugliness upsets people so they choose to either deny it or hide it. In my family they would rather do both. Which of course, leaves me alone to manage it. That is a big part of the problem. I have gotten some great suggestions from blogger friends like you and others and am currently trying to re-center and move myself out of this lonely miserable place. I know it is one step and one day at a time and I am trying to be patient with myself. I am so grateful for this community and it is such a huge part of my healing…here I am not so lonely. 😉
      Thanks for your kindness and helpful suggestions. Much love ❤️

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  8. I am in a similar boat in a way. Over a year ago we moved to a very small isolated town leaving behind our kids and my most loved yoga community. Also since d day we had stopped socialising so I guess we left behind some confused people. We also left behind our volunteering which was horseriding for disabled children. I think leaving those brave little kids was most gut wrenching.
    I realised once we arrived here that H would be OK with his new job and that I needed to find something or else I would not find a reason to get up. It was hard…it still is hard sometimes. I tried the only volunteering option this town had to offer and it was in a second hand charity store. It did not work out and was quite an awful experience. I started to make baby quilts for the nearest hospital 200 kms away. I started to relearn how to knit and crotchet and now everyone has funky blankets or weird looking jumpers but scarves and shawls work out nice. Even my kids friends have blankies. Now I am learning a more complicated knit but always have a few projects on the go.
    I miss yoga and the community and know this is not a town to embrace it cos I tried to get classes going but it was a fail so I just spend an hour a day with a you tube class.
    I also think I have grown a lot closer with H. We have spent a lot of time getting out of this town and exploring the surrounding outback. We have little adventures and amazing picnics.
    Just recently I found a thermomix cooking group ….ok…..only two other people but it is something.
    I have taken up gardening. I grow roses and herbs. I have a kitten.
    My local library is hilarious. I met the lovely ladies who are librarians but as soon as I saw their books I was devastated. Shelves of mills and boon, Danielle steel , graphic novels about the Wild West….the magazine section was worse with all the trashy rubbish…..so a book club not that there is one but to start one is out of the question.
    So, I guess I am quite lonely too and there are some days where I wonder what am I doing here? Why did I leave my lovely home for this? Does he deserve to still have me in my life? Blah blah blah bla……
    Then I …..
    I water my garden, plan my yoga, think about what Netflix to watch while I knit or sew…..before I know it I am cooking a yummy meal in Thermie and somehow the day passes and it was a pleasant day.
    Lonely? Yes……for sure but I am learning my own company is not that bad.
    Not sure if this is any help for you Leigh but I do know how you feel and it is always good to share with this community.
    Take care and keep sharing xxxxx

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    1. I appreciate this my friend…and I try to keep busy…most days. But then I just get to a place when the lonliness is almost overwhelming. I NEED interaction with others, actual human connection. I lost so many “friends” who I thought were true blue once they knew what had happened. Many looked at me and either condemned me for staying with Will or condemned me for not leaving. While I know those judge people are not worth my time, there is still avoid. I agree that this community is most helpful and I need to figure out how to converse about “normal” subjects again with ease like I can here about betrayal issues. What a freaking mess Will has put me in…Grrr! Much love to you and thank you! ❤️

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      1. I hear you well and truly. The trouble is that with me the friends that have not been through such an ordeal as we have just do not have the empathy. They still think in the ‘ kick him to the curb’ ideal. Yes, we all were probably in that place…..until. It. Happened.
        I find it hard even to talk to close family who all know how hard it affected us. Husbands siblings even ignore that anything had happened and he is still the lovely man they always thought he was. My sisters……well, fat lot of use they were. One said she did not realise how charmed a life she had until she heard about mine. The other told me to get over it.
        My kids…..well….I think I have put them all through enough so I don’t tend to talk to them about anything negative. So, where does that leave me?
        I made a friend here whom I got on with really well and even though we did not get too close in the short time I knew her we just clicked. I tended to keep her at arms length…why? She was single and absolutely gorgeous and in her 40’s . When at a social event ( a yearly ag show) husband and I ran into her and I watched his face. Lucky for him his expression hardly changed. I know in the past he would have started a conversation with her for sure. Trouble is I just can’t trust him, probably never will but also I am careful who I bring into my life with him having enjoyed so many of my so called friends in the past.
        Our lives have changed. Our experiences of infidelity are with us every day. We are different from those who left their marriages and started a new path but this is the choice we have made and it is not an easy one.
        Hang in there and post and chat as it is amongst us here in blogland that you will find true empathy. I have Paula ( horsesrcumin) and crazy Kat (rainbow) to thank for being well and truly empathic and there to help me get through some really hard days. It is a tough road we have chosen.
        Take care Leigh xxxxxx

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      2. Wow..when you mentioned having found a friend who is single and pretty, I realized that I do that same thing. I tend to be SO cautious now when even considering friendships. So many “friends” in the past were more than friends with Will…I just never recognized that I did that. Ugh…I’m just so exhausted! Thank you my sweet friend. I treasure the insight and release that this community provides…❤️❤️❤️

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  9. “. . .loneliness is less about being isolated—even people who are around a lot of people all the time or are active on social media can feel lonely. Loneliness comes when one does not have deep and meaningful relationships that allow for the development of close bonds and open and honest engagements.”

    Leighkay, I read the above in an article about an upcoming Jewish holiday and I think it really sums up the struggle we now face to reengage in life. Because MC and I change counties every few years, I have little time with the few friends who know some of what happened and my one cousin who knows all. When the kids and I were home for that year without MC, I did have time, but honestly it was clear to me that the few in my life who know, do not want to see me holding onto pain. I know they love me and want the best for me, but they don’t want pain, anybody’s pain, to be the focus of a relationship. And, I really do get it. I do. I certainly don’t enjoy being so focused upon it. Anyways, talking about this pain with those who cannot imagine ever being in the situation (because who the hell ever imagines being in this situation) almost feels superficial. And, more and more, vocalizing it is becoming tiresome to even me.

    But, that doesn’t mean the pain is not there. It does not mean that the pain is not now a distinct thread in the tapestry of our lives. So, how do we authentically reengage in a meaningful life for ourselves, a life beyond being mom and wife? Finishing my MBA, becoming a contractor working part-time from home, getting involved again in my boys’ activities. Yes, they reengage me in life to a certain level. But, I guess what I really really miss is laughing, just hanging-out and laughing with friends. I miss that so much. I’m trying to find the balance of putting myself out there as honestly and authentically as I can, without going to the level of TMI. So, I will talk about having faced significant struggles in our marriage, but not the details of what those struggles included. Allowing myself to have moments of joy and laughter, without feeling bad about holding a little of myself back, is my goal. And, when I really think about, I see many struggles in my life that came from giving trust to others, opening myself up to others, too quickly. So, perhaps finding this new balance is actually a healthy thing. I don’t really have a clue. But, just wanted you to know I understand and am sending you support from afar. TL xx

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    1. TL…thank you for this. It is good for me to know that others “get” this and have experienced some of the same. Yes…I miss gut busting laughter with friends…that carefree letting go that comes from the closeness with people when you have shared experiences and memories. I don’t have that and I miss it terribly. I so want to find those kind of friends and people again….I am just terrified to make the attempt. I know it takes time, I know I will find a way…I think actually writing it out here has done a lot of good…you know…naming my fears. And I also know that I can get very impatient with myself, which is where I think I am now. I am relying on the wisdom of so many here in this community. Much love.❤️

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  10. I felt the same for the seven years after my first D day. So lonely. Just being around other people felt like a lie, so I preferred to be alone. Or with a husband who refused to acknowledge everything I was enduring. No wonder I became depressed. I always kept people at a distance. When I did share, people pitied me.

    They say addicts thrive in solitude; partners of addicts are condemned to it .

    My heart especially aches to hear how this has played out with your family. I’m so sorry because I know that pain too. The people that are supposed to love you unconditionally and without end are the ones who have betrayed and abandoned you. You are a giver, you did everything right, you are worth more.

    I hope you find strength in this community of survivors. You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. Maybe one day, we can all jump on an anonymous (or not) conference call to put some voices to the names.

    Sending you affection 💛 and strength 💪.

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    1. Thank you my friend. This addiction is one that just keeps on giving. It’s so exhausting at times. I need this community because there is no one who can understand it like those who have been or are still going thru all it’s stages. I would be lost without you all! ❤️

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  11. I found my group of friends through a book club. It started out slowly. (As you find those people who share your sense of humor, your sense of purpose, you begin to enjoy their company enough to go to lunch with them). After a while a group of eight of us found that we enjoyed each other enough to spend time doing fun things together. We never included our husbands. These were my friends. One woman has been very honest to say she does not want to share much of her history and we respect that. It has not taken away anything from the friendship. She means the world to all of us. You can have wonderful friends and not tell.

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    1. Thanks Moi. I am finding my way…slowly. It’s been so difficult and so out of my comfort zone, but I am *beginning* to feel a little more confidence. It is still exhausting and I still have to force myself and I am hoping that eventually I won’t have to work so hard at being normal. 😝

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  12. Grief is exhausting.
    I have written about this on betrayed blogs. When your body is under stress it secretes hormones. Adrenaline is one but there are several others. If the stress is positive, such as going on vacation, you feel a heightened sense of anticipation. Your body is pumping you full of “get a move on” hormones. After a while they dissipate, but you might be tired the first day or two. On the other hand if you feel threatened (finding out your husband ruined you financially, cheated routinely, and lied all the time) your body goes into “fight, freeze or flee” mode. Hormones get flooded into your system. All it knows is that you are in danger. These hormones take hours to dissipate. They are designed to get you to safety but if you chronically feel threatened then the toxicity of them begins to break down your resistance. People who have been through what you have often get sick. Your body is worn out, thus the depression.
    Don’t hang your happiness on him. He is either going to be a good husband or not but you are a good person and need to be protective of your own health and well-being.

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    1. I know this to be true. I have not been my usual healthy self since d-day. I, of course, have a very compromised immune system wthe bot the stds Will passed on to me, but I am nearly always achy and run-down. It can get very discouraging. 😞

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  13. Leigh, just wanted to say that I hope you are doing better every day. I follow your writings and I think of you often. Pray for you too because life, your life, has been so hard. With a new year here, I’m hoping for better days for all of us. How I have dealt with decades of uncertainty because of my husband’s pornography problem, along with his “always being right” attitude, is work. I work as much as possible and the income gives me a sense of security that I have never had from my husband. I’ll be 60 soon and I plan on working as long as my health allows me to. Work has brought some sweet friendships, and a sense of accomplishment. At least I get that feeling somewhere in my life. Wish I knew you personally because I do believe we would lift each other. Wishing you peace, health and happier days sweet girl…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What sweet, heartfelt words. Thank you, friend, for your sentiments and thoughts. Things are slowly getting better and I am slowly coming out of my shell. I always have hope. ❤️

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