Four.

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Today is May 17, 2019. Four years since D-day. Four years since my world was shattered. Four years since the day I became irrevocably changed. Four years since life, as I knew it, was over.

And four long, difficult, heart-breaking years of grueling recovery and healing.

And it’s not enough.

I don’t know where I am on my journey. I don’t know where my road is leading. All I know is that there are horrible memories that still overshadow the good memories. That balance has not been restored. I know, also, that it is hard, hard work to make those good memories that used to come so effortlessly. But, I still try.

Maybe in another four years, or eight…or twelve, the memories will shift and the bad will fade and be less painful. Maybe the good memories will be overwhelming and wonderful and crush the bad from my recollection. Maybe rain isn’t wet. 😏

I came across a numerology chart the other day which describes the characteristics of numbers, and while I don’t subscribe to numerology or really even understand it, I thought the associated description of the number four was interesting and perhaps apropos to my current state:

Those who walk a life path with the number four have an almost unbreakable spirit and astounding capabilities of self-control. 4 reminds us that equality of all sides created the strongest structures. It’s energy is that of stability.

Hmmm…Can’t really count on all of that.

What I can count on is myself. What I know for certainty is that I will keep working on healing. I will keep doing the best I can with what I have. And I will keep looking for more. More happiness, more contentment, more gratitude, more grace.

I think I’m getting there. Slowly.

Leigh ❤️

6 thoughts on “Four.

  1. Maybe the rate of the progress (fast or slow) is less important than the overall fact that you’ve made and are making progress? It’s true that four years is a long time, but it’s also true that it probably took far longer than that to create the situation that caused the trauma you’re trying to heal from. It’s probably unreasonable to expect it to take less time to fix the problem than it took to create it in the first place. I know that none of us wants to wallow in pain for a moment longer than necessary, so I hope that you find the balance that you are seeking.
    xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, the problem was a lifetime in the making for Will…thirty six long years of marriage before I found out about his “problem.” I don’t think I have another thirty six years to make it right, so I’m looking for an accelerated wellness program. Think one of those exists?😂😂
      Meh…it’s one day at a time..and time is what it will take.
      Thanks my friend. ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

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