I. Just. Can’t.

****WARNING-RARE, BUT MAJOR, RANT AHEAD!!****

I have my political views, my opinions and my certain leanings. I will not discuss them here. I will not discuss conservative vs. liberal, left vs. right or republican vs. democrat. I will not address policy or issues or platforms. I want to discuss right vs. wrong. Because it is starkly apparent. Because there is something much more critical that is going on in politics these days. . .and much more devastating to us as a nation.

Sex, Lies, Videotapes, Scandal, Cover-Ups. . . Power. This is now politics in America, and yes, there have always been some of these elements. The problem is that now, NOW, this is all there is. There is no decency, no honor, no goodness.

I am ashamed and deeply saddened. I am concerned for future generations and the moral decline that we are experiencing as a society. I am sickened by the callous and crude rhetoric that we are being barraged by on a daily basis because of the total lack of adult behavior by the candidates, the media, the pundits, the campaigns and certain supporters. It is ENOUGH!

I have wondered if, because of my own history of betrayal trauma, that I am simply more sensitive to the circus of deception, gaslighting, obfuscation, sexual misconduct and co-dependency that is currently our “Election Season.” But, no. It’s not just me. Friends and family who just don’t happen to be married to a sex addict, also find it disgusting and frankly, quite unbelievable. It is beyond the pale and I am tired of being triggered by story after story of sitting presidents who “may have” raped someone or who have cheated on the current candidate while in the White House. I am disgusted by allegations that a man “may have” used his position of power to systematically grope and assault women because of ego and entitlement issues. I cannot tolerate one more “leak” of information about cover-ups, emails, pay-for-plays, hot mics, religious bigotry, or sexual innuendo.

Is this truly what we have become as a nation? One giant tabloid?

We are a country of over three hundred million people. Out of that three hundred million, we have chosen two…two people. One of which will represent the rest of us for the next four to eight years to the rest of the world. We have chosen possibly the worst TWO people to do so. . .out of THREE HUNDRED MILLION!

It is no wonder, really, that pornography use, infidelity, sex addiction, casual one-nighters, rape, sexual abuse, child porn, prostitution, sex trafficking, divorce. . . are all on the rise or at epidemic levels. It is out of control. Men that believe misogyny is a myth or engage in the degradation and debasing of women should be called out and educated. Women that engage in pornography for “pleasure”  or turn a blind eye to sexual misconduct, likewise, are responsible for the breakdown of our moral fabric. Anyone, ANYONE, seeking to insert themselves into a coupleship for self-gratification, or seeking that gratification outside of their own committed relationship is responsible for our moral decline. Yes, I recognize addictions and trauma and issues. But I also recognize self-control, agency and personal choice. Help is available. We all have a basic knowledge of right and wrong. Fix yourself. Help fix our society.

We are destroying ourselves from within. Things like ISIS, drug cartels, global warming…they cannot compare to the power and potential to destroy us as we ourselves possess. Our own inability to achieve moral clarity in a time such as this,  is a harbinger of self-destruction.

America. . .there is nothing right about this election. We’ve got it all wrong. 😥

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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Will and I saw our couples therapist today. Generally that is a good thing and signifies progress. I say “generally” because it is certainly not a sure thing. Sometimes, even 17 months post d-day, there are ugly little nuggets of disclosure that rear their nasty little heads. Today was one of those days. Yes, even this far into recovery (not simply sobriety, which I assure you is different) I was hit with a new disclosure and I feel floored again. Will’s explanation is that he disclosed this to his therapist waaaayy back in July of 2015… at the first polygraph…with the disclosure I was not present for….that I never heard…but was told by the therapist was “great”…that triggered a three, or five, or seven day PTSD episode that I cannot recall. To me, this is complete therapy abuse. Different therapist (thankfully!) but nonetheless, I was in the dark, so this is new to me. OF COURSE he has passed his polys since then. He has disclosed all of his disgusting past. What the polys do not ask is if he has disclosed them specifically TO ME. Ya know, the one he cheated on. The one he hurt. The single person in the entire world that he could commit adultery against.  The only woman in the world who has put up with his shit for over 37 years. Oh, yeah…me. Just the wife. Just the mother of his children, his life partner, the grandmother of his amazing grandkids and savior time and again of his sorry loser ass!!! I asked Will to leave our sad little trailer for a couple of days. I need to process. I need to think. I need to cry. I need to mourn yet another ugly betrayal, another lie, another layer of hurt. Does it ever end? Ever? Please…fellow bloggers…tell me this gets better! Tell me that at some point there is NO MORE. Because I am near my ropes end….really…

On Being Fierce

 

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I am a diminutive 5’3″ tall woman. I take two steps to every one of whomever I walk with. At my ideal weight, I am approximately 120-130 lbs. I am a small woman. When I saw the texted picture of the Ho in her lingerie on Will’s phone on d-day last year, no one was more surprised than he when I hauled off and punched him, full-fisted, with a hard right to his left cheek bone. He had a lovely bruise and I got a split knuckle for my trouble. I have tried really hard to summon up some remorse for that moment of unbridled rage. . .

Nope. Not sorry. Guess I’m just not that far in my recovery. 😏

Anyway, that is not the point of this post. I am writing because I have been impressed lately by the absolute strength and fortitude of betrayed spouses. I have recently met a few incredibly remarkable women who have traveled this crappy road, hiked this jagged mountain, and crossed this tempest-tossed sea, and have arrived at the other side, not only more resilient but more beautiful, more serene and stronger than any other women I know. I WANT THAT!!!! I want to keep my toughness (yes, I am proud of my badassiness!) but I never want to lose my softness, my compassion and my peaceful center. I want to be feisty enough to sock a cheater when he deserves it, but still kind enough to fetch an ice pack to soothe the pain.

I have found that, at times, balancing the two sides of me is difficult. I still get angry…for all the deception, for the sheer betrayal, for the disgust I still feel at Will’s behavior. At those times, it is so hard for me to tap into my softer, forgiving side. The side that wants to move forward, start new, see a new Will. Maybe this is why I cannot feel sorry for slugging him last year. Honestly, given the chance, I would do it again. He deserved it. But, I wonder if I will ever get to that place where I can feel the anger and “sit with it” (as my therapist say) and then let it go so that I can replace it with my gentler side. Right now, when I am able to let it go, it is simply replaced with sadness and loss. I just hate that. It is not who I want to be, or how I want to be.

Here is what I hope. I hope that my fierceness, my feistiness will somehow morph into fighting this underlying anger. I want to be badass enough to be THAT woman…the one that is so fierce and so tough and SO badass, that nothing, NOTHING,can shake her serenity and peace. I think that is strength and beauty personified. Maybe it is simply a matter of time and recovery. I hope I am not incapable of becoming the woman I want to be 😳. Is it possible to work TOO hard to obtain a goal? So hard that it escapes one’s grasp? Ugh…I so easily get discouraged. This is not the serenity I so desperately need. Maybe this is just the part of recovery where growth actually looks a lot like confusion.

So, I keep trying, I keep fighting…for me, my marriage, for us. I keep praying and having hope and faith. I keep learning and working. I keep crying…and laughing. And healing. I am fierce. I am strong. I am still caring. I am becoming.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

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I posted last about our 37th anniversary and about how Skank, one of Will’s formers, was trying to accuse me of  posting on a shaming site about her various sexual escapades. Well, I owned up to the ONE post I did over five months ago, but that is apparently not the issue. Someone else that this Skank has disrespected, is even more disgusted by her than I. From what Will and I can tell, it seems that her pic and stories of her exploits have been posted, reposted and then shared between several sites in the last couple of months. Let’s just say that somebody….or maybe more than one somebody….is pretty pissed at Skank and her sleeping around with their hubbys or boyfriends. She’s from a very small town and it looks like she can’t hide anymore. So, because this whole thing started with my post way back in like February, Skank thinks it’s all my fault. Hmmmm…Lets recap here: She sleeps around with my husband. While she’s dating and then engaged to her soon to be husband. Then she continues to cheat on her new husband only not with my husband but with other husbands and boyfriends. Six years later I find out she slept with my husband, the sex addict, and request that she stay out of our lives. She won’t and continues to contact Will “for work related issues” even though she has other people she can contact. I am already in trauma, this woman is a total slut and I have had enough so I post her and one other woman’s pics on a shaming site. I close the account I made to get onto the site and then I am off to inpatient care. While I had NO ACCESS to the Internet, phone or outside world, someone else posted the pic of Skank with their own narrative. In the weeks since there have been additional posts until the last one which was sent anonymously to her work. Keep in mind that Skank takes ZERO responsibility here for flirting with, coming on to and then screwing a married man. In her amoral, perverse mind, evidently, that is no harm, no foul. However, because I, the legally married spouse to that man found out and told the world, I, and now Will, should be punished! She has gone to HR to attempt to get Will fired, her husband has posted nastiness about me and Will, and she is making recovery difficult by breaking boundaries with Will. Even though I only posted the truth about this disgusting whore in a short post on a shaming site over five months ago. Ugh! I have NO control over the dirty crap she’s done in her life or the countless other women she pissed off…yet I am the one she is mad at and is now attacking. I’m sorry, but, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?

And then there’s Will. He is safe in his job but has failed to protect me and explain what has happened. He cowardly accepted that he is to take Skank’s calls EVEN THOUGH THAT IS A CLEAR BOUNDARY VIOLATION. I cannot accept it. We are now in a flux….what to do, what to do? We are at an impasse until we can meet with our therapist. I am so, so disappointed….again. When does this stop? How long does it take for him to figure this crap out? When do I get to be first?

Meanwhile, I finally got moved out of my home and we closed the sale. So, for the next six-nine months I am living, with Will, in our thirty foot travel trailer. Parked in a mobile home park. On the wrong side of town. Will has pulled me down to his level and I have become “trailer trash” If I still had a mom and she knew, it would be one more thing she could be disappointed in.  If this is all some sort of sick, cruel, joke, and if anyone has a heart, please can the fun be over now? Please?

I Don’t Like Mondays

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Just Another Manic Monday, Rainy Days and Mondays Always Bring Me Down, Monday Monday … Pick any old song about Monday and I’ll run with it. Today is my least favorite day of the week. Monday was named after the moon or “Moon Day” and is astrologically thought to affect one’s mood. I’ll buy that. My mood on Monday is usually not in the “happy just to be alive”category. Today is no different.

I’m still sick so that is already a strike against my mood. Can I please just be done with the coughing-so-hard-I-wet-my-pants phase of this crap?!?! UGH!!!

OK…Sick rant over.

House rant commencing…the deal fell through, the contract was broken and my house is back on the market. Grrrr! I’m wondering if the buyers found out that Skank had been here and were afraid of her cooties….I wouldn’t blame them. Anyway, I was kind of lulled into a false sense of security and was already window shopping for new stuff for the new house etc…..screeeechhhhh! Those brakes just got stomped on…hard! Back to clearing out for last minute showings and possibly setting up for another open house. So bummed about it but, nothing we can do but start all over and get this bad memory sold. I hope it is not as hard to get rid of as Skank is.

Speaking of Skank. This is the good news…only it happened yesterday so Monday still sucks 😏. Will fought with himself and determined that his boundary was still his boundary. He decided however, that the Skank believing that she was so important that the boundary didn’t really mean anything was a situation that had to be managed and managed quickly. Will absolutely did NOT want to call her as he can’t stand the sound of her voice and I think he felt that a call was somehow more personal. He chose to email her. I include the entire email here.

“I’m really angry that after all this time, you chose to break a well-defined boundary of no contact. There is no work-related issue important enough to ever contact me directly. I need to state again that nothing in my past, nothing between us, ever meant anything. I am an addict who was living in addiction, and you were easy and available. That’s it…nothing more. The thought of my past actions disgusts me. The people I acted out with are part of that disgust. You are part of that disgust. I don’t know how I can make it any clearer. I am trying to get as far away from my disgusting, gross past as possible. You are part of that disgusting, gross past. Do not ever contact me again, not through email, phone, text, or mail. There is no need to respond to this email. Just honor the boundary that I have put in place, because it sickens me when I see your name or hear your voice.”

He did not address her by her name and did not sign it. I think he did a good job. I think that even someone as dense as Skank will figure out that he is ashamed of the fact that he ever looked at her twice. As for me, I am glad that he got angry. Will rarely gets angry and I honestly don’t think that he has ever gotten angry at someone for hurting me or my feelings. So…this is kind of a big deal. I am glad that he chose to protect me in this way and also hold to his boundaries. I think that he is also feeling somewhat empowered by his action. That he did not passively let Skank break a boundary with no repercussions. He showed her that he meant what he said. No contact means no contact.

Now….if we can just get a home buyer to understand that a contract means a contract….

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No Contact Means No Contact

imageI’m really sick. I have bronchitis and have been put on bed rest. It sucks. I hate to be sick and I hate going to the doctor.  In the past, Will used my infirmities as an excuse to act out. When I blew out my knee in a skiing accident and had to have a reconstruct, he began his affair with Skank. As I hobbled around in a horrible knee brace for weeks trying to finish renovations on my garage, Will was too busy grooming Skank to help me much. When I recovered enough to drive cross country to help my daughter give birth, Will allowed Skank to come to my home for the purpose of screwing her in my bed…and in my shower…and on my family room sofa. Skank still works for a subsidiary of the same company Will works for. She has been told..by Will and by me..that she will UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES contact Will by phone, email, text etc.  She broke this boundary once several months ago and I emailed her myself telling her that it would stop immediately. She responded and said she would not contact him again. She lied.

Yesterday, Will came over after work to do something he has never done..take care of me because I am so sick. He had taken time off of work yesterday to take me to the doctor and then last night brought over some dinner. After we ate, he said that something had happened at work and he needed to tell me. I immediately felt that dread..that pit in my stomach…that horrible, twisting, sick churning in my belly of impending doom.  I thought he had relapsed. I thought he had gotten a nooner at a massage parlor…his habit when I was not feeling well and he wasn’t currently having an affair. But no. The Skank had called him. Directly. She called from a different work number and he didn’t recognize her voice at first. He told her someone would handle her issue and hung up. In short..he kind of panicked. Then he got angry. Angry that she had broken the boundary…again. That because of her, he had to come and tell me and hurt me again.

This is where my frustration begins. You see, Will is a nice guy. You all know the type…everyone’s friend, never gets angry, always happy and helpful. Yeah, so…this is why the boundary means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the Skank. She knows that Will is a kind man. That he would never get angry with her. Would never be unkind or rude to her. She is under the impression that if she hadn’t gotten married, he would still be pursuing her. She believes that the only reason there is “no contact” is because now I, the bitchy wife, knows about their past together. This is what frustrates me. I asked Will why he didn’t call her back and get angry with her if he was mad that she had broken that boundary. I asked him why he didn’t tell her that she disgusts him…that everything about their affair makes him sick. I asked if he was so angry, why didn’t he tell HER that..because telling me was not going to stop her from breaking that boundary over and over and over again. He told me he couldn’t call her because his own boundaries were that he never initiate contact with an AP. 🙄 I’m sorry…but on this, I’m calling bullshit.

Why would someone willingly give another person power over them because of a self imposed boundary? I completely understand the need for rules, boundaries, limits etc…but at the expense of the greater good? At the complete disregard for common sense and rationality? My frustration and pain is simply this: Will knew that her contact would hurt me. He was angry. Rather than let her know of his anger and break his boundary, he is willing to allow her to continue to contact him (and she will) and cause further hurt.  Once again, something (his personal boundary) takes priority over me. I am angry and hurt because he just doesn’t get this!  In my mind, it appears that he is more willing to let her hurt me, than to take the chance of him hurting her feelings. Ergo..she is more valuable to him than am I. I believe this NOT to be true, but his actions need to bear this out and so far….well, no contact means no contact or we are going to be back to a few months ago when divorce means divorce.  For crying out loud Will..grow the hell up or get the hell out!

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Yesterday…Today

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A year ago yesterday, Will and I were at a local pizza place with 7 of our 9 grandchildren, 2 of our children and 2 of our sons in law. We were celebrating the 4th birthday of one of our little grandsons. We were all happy. Our normal family chaos of silly laughter, multiple cross conversations, older cousins helping younger cousins get  just the right size slice on to their plates, lots and lots of love and sharing going on. I was in my element. As the Matriarch of this glorious family, my heart was full of contentment as I watched my beautiful loved ones enjoying life with one another. Life was good. Will also seemed to be engaged…helping little ones, talking with his sons in law, generally present in the moment if somewhat tired as was his norm. He had just returned from a business trip which always seemed to exhaust him. It was my life then..a year ago yesterday. I miss it. I miss my ignorance in so many ways. I miss my confidence that my marriage, while not perfect, was better than most. I miss my contentment that we had come through the fire of infidelity back in the nineties and Will was now a godly man who had made covenants that he would never break. I miss my security that no matter what, Will loved me and my family and would never hurt me again. I miss me…that me that was innocent and trusting and loving and kind.

A year ago today, I met someone I never wanted to know. A man who was an incredible deceiver, a master manipulator, an unparalleled liar, and an impeccably skilled traitor. Will. Who was this man that I had known for nearly 4 decades? He was NOT the father of my children, the grandfather of our beautiful grandbabies, the man I married. He was a lying, deceptive betrayer of everything I hold dear. He was a monster who inflicted more pain than I thought any human could possibly bear.  He was the one person in the world that I trusted with my life and my heart. And the one person who chose to crush both. As the text message came through from Danielle, as we spoke to our son on that Sunday evening a year ago, everything that I had come to believe was my life, simply fell apart. It was shattered. Gone. My heart broke. My soul broke. My brain broke. My reality broke. I broke. Completely. I was simply….gone. Everything I was, what I knew, how I lived, what I believed…shattered. I have never known such searing, unrelenting agony. I have never felt so completely alone. I have never been so terribly, terribly diminished as a human being. I have never felt such intense, terrifying hatred for another human being in my life. I honestly wanted Will dead. And I would have been happy to accommodate any means to that end.

One year. It is not a long time in the great scheme of things. 365 days. Out of those days, there have been some that were not as bad as May 17, 2015. There have been some that have come close. There was one that was equally horrible that I actually lived through…I count that as one of the miracles that this last year has produced. There have been some days of great pain, and days of great healing. Days of deep frustration and days of progress seen. Days of peace and days of battle. There have been days, too, when glimpses of a future have been hopeful. And it is not as bleak and sad as once perceived. Those days are actually becoming more frequent. That is a good thing. I need good things now in my life. After so much ugly, so much pain, so much betrayal.  I am coming out of the deep, black hole that Will’s addiction pushed me into. It is such a rough climb…harder than any fourteener that Colorado has to offer. More difficult than any other challenge I have faced in my life. But…I am seeing the daylight. I am becoming aware of the possibility of living a different reality. I can comprehend a life, a future, a marriage that is healthy and open and loving. I can see the promise of “better” and “more” and “real” and I am not afraid. I am looking forward to leaving today (and all the bad yesterdays) behind. I still wish, though, that May 17th would somehow just disappear from the calendar for good. I HATE May 17th.