No News is….No News

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Wow…time flies. And life moves on. It’s been many, many months since I have felt like writing anything. And honestly, I am only writing now because, well, like everyone else, I’m stuck at home during this shutdown and I have plenty of time. The truth is, Will and I are in a good place and have been for some time. While I would never say “healed” or “recovered” I can say that we are finally healing and recovering and and that the ugly is in the past.
Don’t get me wrong here…just because it’s in the past, I have a very clear rear view mirror and sometimes looking back is still painful and still triggering. The key is to stop checking that mirror. And I am getting really good at that.

Presently, we are finding a different, but related, challenge. Our son-in-law has decided that he no longer wants to be married to my daughter…because he began having an affair and now thinks he’s in “love” with this much older woman who is rebounding from her recent divorce.
Why are men so consistently, predictably, stupid? How do they never, NEVER learn from the mistakes of others?? Why do they believe that they are different? This situation is different? That they are not being total asshats by cheating on their lawfully wedded spouse? Truth bomb here, boys…You are a selfish, low-life, deceitful, cheating, untrustworthy, bastard. You have hurt your wife, your kids, your parents, your in-laws who accepted you as family, your sisters and brothers-in-law, your nieces and nephews who loved you…all because you were too selfish to think of anyone else but your own perceived needs. While totally disregarding your vows, your responsibilities, your promises, your family…who has done nothing but love you and support you. Ughhhhh…stupid, selfish, cowards. I can’t deal with them.

And actually I guess that’s why I decided to write. When my grandchildren found out that their dad was cheating on my daughter and was leaving, they were angry with him. They yelled at him and are so mad they don’t want to talk to him for awhile. I still remember my grown children’s reaction when they found out that their dad had been serial cheating will multiple women for decades. They were not mad at him. They were mad at me. Will made himself look so pathetic, and was of course in denial, that he made everything look like my fault. They felt sorry for him. I was so very alone. 

Well, my daughter is not alone. She calls and updates me. She rants and screams and knows that I am her safe place to rage. And I listen. And I am calm. And supportive and understanding.
And then I get off the phone and I am a hyperventilating, sobbing , triggered mess.
I am still hurt and resentful that neither of my girls were there for me after d-day. It is still one of the most hurtful things I have ever experienced and added so much more trauma to my whole betrayal…so it will always be so incredibly painful. But, I would never do to any woman in agony what my daughters did to me. So, despite my own triggers and pain, I am here for her.
It is not good time, but amazingly, Will is incredibly supportive and cognizant of my needs. He gets it! He understands the triggers and has been compassionate and available.

So, for that I am incredibly grateful. I am also grateful that so far, we are all healthy and safe and doing the best we can under isolation from the virus. So really, as far as our recovery and our marriage is concerned…no real news. And that’s good.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Hugs your loved ones.
Oh, and wash your hands!

Leigh ❤️

 

 

 

Before and After

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Today is the last day of April. Which means that tomorrow begins the month of May. In seventeen days, it will be four years since d-day. How I wish I could erase that day from my memory! EMDR has not done it’s job where that memory lives in my brain. It is still as painful and vivid as it was when it happened. There are few things in my life that are sharp and clear as my memory of that day. Every word, every action, every feeling is embedded within me. The clarity with which discovery of Will’s profound betrayal provided me was no less than earth-shattering. I felt it in every. single. fiber. of my body. I still feel it as acutely now as I did then.

So, has anything changed? It has been nearly four years. Why does that day, that moment, those emotions still feel raw and fresh? Will I ever be able to erase them completely? No. Not ever.

The difference is that I can now experience them and absorb it all as part of me. That day changed me. It changed who I thought I was. It changed who I thought Will was. It changed everything. How I thought, how I felt, how I reacted to events, how I approached relationships, how I expressed myself, how I saw the world. Everything.

And sometimes, I miss the old me. That girl was perpetually optimistic (on the surface.) She felt loved by Will, her kids, her friends (at least, what she thought was love.) She was content with life, even though it was really hard at times (although she didn’t understand WHY things were SO hard.) She was fulfilled with a life of family and church and home (Will was not foremost because he was so distant…she accepted his excuses that he was busy with work and was grateful he worked so hard.) She was happy (but, given what she knew about happiness, this was SO misguided.)

I am clearly not that person anymore. I am optimistic still…but it is measured and not the blind unrealistic hope that I used to have. It is more rational and less…desperate. I am beginning to feel love again..from Will and my children and a few very carefully vetted friends. I have a few old friends that I know love me. They know about Will and love and support me the same as they always have. Contentment is nowhere to be seen at this point. I don’t know that I will find a level of contentment for a very long time. I am still less trusting of people in general and of Will in particular. I cannot be content without trust. That will take way more time than just four years. I am not completely fulfilled yet, but I am getting there. My family is still my everything even if they don’t love me as fully as they once did. That does not diminish my love for them. Will has become more present and more a part of my everyday so that has definitely been more fulfilling.

But, happy? That is a difficult one. The old me was not truly happy. I was happy with what I *thought* was my life. It was mostly a delusion. It was so full of gaslighting and lies that it was no life at all. At least, not a real life. Now, life is real and difficult and exciting and boring and joyful and frustrating and funny and absurd and maddening and fun! It’s become such a mix of experience and emotion that there is no one word that can describe it. It is still hard and sometimes overwhelmingly sad. There is still regret and anger and grief over the past. But there is also a lot of hope. And clarity of what truly is and is not “Life.”

I think that possibly the best way to describe myself before d-day was that I was existing. I was existing in a life that I had convinced myself was optimistic, content, happy. Now, even with all the trauma, the loss, the betrayals, the illness, the ups and downs…all of it…I feel like I am living. I am living my life with a full awareness of who I am, who I am becoming, and who I want to be. I am no longer who I was (or who I thought I was) and I am okay with that even if I miss that naive girl sometimes. I am much wiser and stronger now and able to withstand the things that come my way. I am clear-eyed and compassionate. I am tougher than I ever thought I could be and my heart is healing.

I am a walking, living, breathing  “before and after” ad for betrayed spouses. 😂

I can live with that.

Leigh ❤️

I Am Not A Doormat…anymore

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Growing up, both Will and I had terrible examples of what a wife and mother should be. Both of our mothers married narcissistic, self-involved, chauvinistic bullies. They were both used, taken advantage of, disrespected, and eventually, cheated on. They were what was called a doormat. A place where one would wipe their shoes or stomp the mud off their boots. Where marriage is concerned, a place to leave all the crap of the day. We both watched as our mothers took whatever was dished out from their husbands. We both were taught by example that wives were to be used and forgotten. Their existence was nothing more than a convenience for their husbands. Is it any wonder that Will is a narcissist and I put up with it for so long? Is it any wonder that our marriage was so much like our parents? Children live what they learn.

So, Saturday has become a day when Will and I spend time together doing mundane stuff like running errands, home chores etc. But it’s okay, because we spend the day together. This past Saturday, Will came home from his early morning recovery meeting and was on his phone. He was trying to purchase a new phone through our carrier. I could hear in his voice that he was frustrated but was doing a good job of keeping his temper in check. He was dealing with a representative who was not very knowledgeable about the phone he was trying to buy. At the time he came through the front door, he had already been on the phone for over 30 minutes. I puttered around the house waiting for him to finish his call…for another hour and fifteen minutes. He finally got off the phone and said we needed to go into the carriers brick and mortar store to get his phone because the rep had so totally screwed everything up. I told him we could go there first and then do our other errands. We had to return something and pick up a clock from the repair shop….and then maybe we could grab some lunch. He was not in a great mood, but I assumed he would cheer up once he got his new phone. We got to the store, they sorted everything out, he got the phone he wanted and they said it would take an hour or so to transfer all of his data etc. We decided to go pick up the clock and grab some lunch. I asked him if we could get lunch first because I hadn’t had breakfast. He shrugged and said, “Sure, but I’m not hungry so you can just get whatever.”  This was not the plan and I rather enjoy going out to lunch together, but I said fine…just hit up a drive-thru and I’ll grab a salad. As I munched away on my salad, he was quiet as we drove to the repair shop. I asked if he was okay and he just said he was tired and hadn’t slept well. He really just wanted to get our errands done and take a nap. We got the clock, then headed to the pet store to return an item I had bought online and picked up in-store.  I did not have the receipt and the salesperson told me I could just get store credit unless I could find the electronic receipt. We got out of line and I began to search my phone to see if I could find the receipt. It wasn’t an easy task and Will began to nag. He started by saying store credit would be fine. (No, it wasn’t.) Then escalated to telling me to just find a customer service number to call. (Exactly what I was doing.) Then literally started to manage me by telling me how to use my email and how to search for the 800 number. I’m a grown woman. I’m not an idiot. I bloody KNOW how to use my email and the internet. I stopped typing and asked him why he felt he needed to control me and the situation. He got snotty and argued that he was NOT controlling me. Since he did not have his phone, I basically threw mine to him and said, “Fine Asshole. YOU just take right over.” I walked off leaving him standing there. He ended up finding a number (that I had already pulled up) and calling customer service to get an emailed receipt (which is exactly what I was doing) and then acting like he was some kind of superstar because he had done what I was already doing. We got our refund and left to go back to the phone store. I was fuming. He was oblivious. We didn’t talk and I did some internal meditating and deep breathing. He was still oblivious. I had calmed down enough to suggest we get ice cream after we picked up his phone. He mumbled something which I assumed was agreement. We went in to get his phone. It had completed its transfer and all he had to do was remove the SD card and reset it so it could be recycled. His old phone was on the counter as he looked for the app that would delete all the data. He scrolled past the “backup and reset” option twice and I simply reached over and pointed to the option as he clearly wasn’t seeing it. He swatted my hand away! Like I was an annoying gnat or something. I simply told him I was going to walk over to get ice cream and left. I got my treat and went to the car to eat it. By myself. In a complete rage. He texted me and said I could go ahead and get ice cream..he wasn’t really in the mood for anything. I texted back that I appreciated his permission but I had already thought for myself and gotten my ice cream all by myself. *snark* When he got to the car, he realized I was angry and apologized “If something he did upset me” (!!!!!)  I told him to check himself and his actions. I told him he had been controlling and dismissive and he denied, defended and argued. I stopped speaking to him.

Normally, after we do our Saturday running around, we go out to a movie or snuggle downstairs and binge watch something. Not this time. I was so hurt, so angry, so baffled by his behavior that I couldn’t even be near him. After several hours, he came to find me watching a series on Netflix and apologized. He said he had a really rough morning and was sorry he was short with me. That was it. No acknowledgment of his controlling behavior. No heartfelt apology for swatting me away in annoyance. No true understanding of how he had diminished me by his treatment of me. Not really an apology at all. He had reverted to his old behavior and I wanted…no, I NEEDED…him to see that. He had a crappy morning and a rough meeting and a long frustrating phone call and he wanted to just wipe his dirty, muddy boots off on me. I wasn’t having it. I spent over thirty-six years taking his crap and being the doormat for his dirt. I’m not that person any more. As I write this, it’s Monday. I am still waiting for him to figure it out. I am feeling the need to run away. I may just take a few days and have some me time. I’m thinking after the bombcyclone and frigid temps here in the Rockies, Arizona might be a nice warm up. Or maybe just a Marriot with room service and a couple of good books. Either way, I need to have some distance and space. Even doormats need to be refreshed every so often..😏

Leigh ❤️

Still Skanky After All These Years

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Today Will went to work as usual. But, mid-morning he showed up at home. I was a bit alarmed. I thought maybe someone died or he got fired or…worst of all…he had some relapse or was about to disclose something new.  He came and sat beside me and said simply, “Skank is in town.”  If you remember, Skank is the slut that Will worked with at a branch of his company in another state. She was one of three whores at work with which he had affairs. She was, by far, the longest at about four months. At that time, Will traveled “for work” a lot. 🙄 She is also the one who had several posts in the online shaming site, Homewreckers dot com. One was from me. She is the one who attacked me and blamed me for her own slutty behavior and cyber bullied me when she found out I knew about her.

So, when Will says she is in town, well, that’s a pretty big trigger. He was unaware that she was coming here for work and only caught sight of her in the office out of the corner of his eye. He did not take a second look, he did not engage.  What he did do, was go to his office, get his keys, duck out of the building and drive home. To tell me. In person. And to sit with me as I absorbed the information and begin to process. We discussed what he would do if she approached him. We discussed what he would do if she was in any meetings he was required to attend. We discussed what he felt when he caught that sight of her.  I asked him to go back to work and let me process. This post is part of my processing.

Of the many women Will has been with, this particular person disgusts me more than I have words for. I generally don’t hate anyone, but Skank is the one person I feel rage for whenever the thought of her or discussion about her comes up. Maybe it is because she was the one who dared to come into my home and into my bed and screw my husband. Maybe because she demanded that Will tell her he had feelings for her…which he did because he didn’t want to lose his free and easy access to sex. Maybe it’s the very fact that he is forced to refer any work related emails or phone calls from her to his tech to handle because she is too stupid to realize he can’t stand even the sight of her name coming across his computer screen.  Maybe it is simply the fact that she stole what is mine. My husbands time, his body, his interest, his attention.  Particularly at a time when I was in need of his support and help in our lives.

Will no longer visits prostitutes or massage parlors. He does not have any contact whatsoever with any former affair partners. But, Skank? She just keeps intruding in our lives. She will have a problem that she can’t resolve and will try to call Will directly. She shows up from out of town on Will’s floor where she has no need to be. I don’t want her to be a part of our lives and I have such anger at Will for bringing her into our marriage. I just want her to disappear from our memories. I don’t want her to have the power to trigger me. I am tired of letting her have that power.

Turning the page, the positives are obvious. Will did not engage and came home because he wanted to be with me when I got the information that she was here. He was concerned for me and knew it was a trigger so stepped up to tell me himself…in person. He said his initial reaction to seeing her was disgust. And shame. He now questions himself like I questioned him years ago… How could he lower himself to have sex with someone like that? He posted on Facebook this afternoon about gratitude. He had a paragraph about me:

“ I’m grateful for Leigh. Words can’t properly express my feelings towards her. She is loving, persistent, caring, protective, kind, humble, beautiful, witty, resourceful, intelligent, authentic, passionate, and courageous. I am learning that marriage and love are action words, and I’m grateful she is also patient as I continue to learn how to effectively and lovingly provide, protect, and pursue her heart.”

I am choosing to put this day behind me, where it belongs. I am choosing to see Skank for what she is…a sad, pathetic, needy person who is “less than” in every way. I am refusing to give her any more power in my thoughts, in my life or in my marriage.  I am choosing to be grateful that I am not the type of person she is. I am grateful that Will has progressed enough to see her for what she is and to appreciate all that I am. I am grateful that, after all this time, Will and I are different people…better people. And Skank? She’s still Skanky after all these years and that’s her problem.

Leigh ❤️

I. Just. Can’t.

****WARNING-RARE, BUT MAJOR, RANT AHEAD!!****

I have my political views, my opinions and my certain leanings. I will not discuss them here. I will not discuss conservative vs. liberal, left vs. right or republican vs. democrat. I will not address policy or issues or platforms. I want to discuss right vs. wrong. Because it is starkly apparent. Because there is something much more critical that is going on in politics these days. . .and much more devastating to us as a nation.

Sex, Lies, Videotapes, Scandal, Cover-Ups. . . Power. This is now politics in America, and yes, there have always been some of these elements. The problem is that now, NOW, this is all there is. There is no decency, no honor, no goodness.

I am ashamed and deeply saddened. I am concerned for future generations and the moral decline that we are experiencing as a society. I am sickened by the callous and crude rhetoric that we are being barraged by on a daily basis because of the total lack of adult behavior by the candidates, the media, the pundits, the campaigns and certain supporters. It is ENOUGH!

I have wondered if, because of my own history of betrayal trauma, that I am simply more sensitive to the circus of deception, gaslighting, obfuscation, sexual misconduct and co-dependency that is currently our “Election Season.” But, no. It’s not just me. Friends and family who just don’t happen to be married to a sex addict, also find it disgusting and frankly, quite unbelievable. It is beyond the pale and I am tired of being triggered by story after story of sitting presidents who “may have” raped someone or who have cheated on the current candidate while in the White House. I am disgusted by allegations that a man “may have” used his position of power to systematically grope and assault women because of ego and entitlement issues. I cannot tolerate one more “leak” of information about cover-ups, emails, pay-for-plays, hot mics, religious bigotry, or sexual innuendo.

Is this truly what we have become as a nation? One giant tabloid?

We are a country of over three hundred million people. Out of that three hundred million, we have chosen two…two people. One of which will represent the rest of us for the next four to eight years to the rest of the world. We have chosen possibly the worst TWO people to do so. . .out of THREE HUNDRED MILLION!

It is no wonder, really, that pornography use, infidelity, sex addiction, casual one-nighters, rape, sexual abuse, child porn, prostitution, sex trafficking, divorce. . . are all on the rise or at epidemic levels. It is out of control. Men that believe misogyny is a myth or engage in the degradation and debasing of women should be called out and educated. Women that engage in pornography for “pleasure”  or turn a blind eye to sexual misconduct, likewise, are responsible for the breakdown of our moral fabric. Anyone, ANYONE, seeking to insert themselves into a coupleship for self-gratification, or seeking that gratification outside of their own committed relationship is responsible for our moral decline. Yes, I recognize addictions and trauma and issues. But I also recognize self-control, agency and personal choice. Help is available. We all have a basic knowledge of right and wrong. Fix yourself. Help fix our society.

We are destroying ourselves from within. Things like ISIS, drug cartels, global warming…they cannot compare to the power and potential to destroy us as we ourselves possess. Our own inability to achieve moral clarity in a time such as this,  is a harbinger of self-destruction.

America. . .there is nothing right about this election. We’ve got it all wrong. 😥

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Will and I saw our couples therapist today. Generally that is a good thing and signifies progress. I say “generally” because it is certainly not a sure thing. Sometimes, even 17 months post d-day, there are ugly little nuggets of disclosure that rear their nasty little heads. Today was one of those days. Yes, even this far into recovery (not simply sobriety, which I assure you is different) I was hit with a new disclosure and I feel floored again. Will’s explanation is that he disclosed this to his therapist waaaayy back in July of 2015… at the first polygraph…with the disclosure I was not present for….that I never heard…but was told by the therapist was “great”…that triggered a three, or five, or seven day PTSD episode that I cannot recall. To me, this is complete therapy abuse. Different therapist (thankfully!) but nonetheless, I was in the dark, so this is new to me. OF COURSE he has passed his polys since then. He has disclosed all of his disgusting past. What the polys do not ask is if he has disclosed them specifically TO ME. Ya know, the one he cheated on. The one he hurt. The single person in the entire world that he could commit adultery against.  The only woman in the world who has put up with his shit for over 37 years. Oh, yeah…me. Just the wife. Just the mother of his children, his life partner, the grandmother of his amazing grandkids and savior time and again of his sorry loser ass!!! I asked Will to leave our sad little trailer for a couple of days. I need to process. I need to think. I need to cry. I need to mourn yet another ugly betrayal, another lie, another layer of hurt. Does it ever end? Ever? Please…fellow bloggers…tell me this gets better! Tell me that at some point there is NO MORE. Because I am near my ropes end….really…

On Being Fierce

 

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I am a diminutive 5’3″ tall woman. I take two steps to every one of whomever I walk with. At my ideal weight, I am approximately 120-130 lbs. I am a small woman. When I saw the texted picture of the Ho in her lingerie on Will’s phone on d-day last year, no one was more surprised than he when I hauled off and punched him, full-fisted, with a hard right to his left cheek bone. He had a lovely bruise and I got a split knuckle for my trouble. I have tried really hard to summon up some remorse for that moment of unbridled rage. . .

Nope. Not sorry. Guess I’m just not that far in my recovery. 😏

Anyway, that is not the point of this post. I am writing because I have been impressed lately by the absolute strength and fortitude of betrayed spouses. I have recently met a few incredibly remarkable women who have traveled this crappy road, hiked this jagged mountain, and crossed this tempest-tossed sea, and have arrived at the other side, not only more resilient but more beautiful, more serene and stronger than any other women I know. I WANT THAT!!!! I want to keep my toughness (yes, I am proud of my badassiness!) but I never want to lose my softness, my compassion and my peaceful center. I want to be feisty enough to sock a cheater when he deserves it, but still kind enough to fetch an ice pack to soothe the pain.

I have found that, at times, balancing the two sides of me is difficult. I still get angry…for all the deception, for the sheer betrayal, for the disgust I still feel at Will’s behavior. At those times, it is so hard for me to tap into my softer, forgiving side. The side that wants to move forward, start new, see a new Will. Maybe this is why I cannot feel sorry for slugging him last year. Honestly, given the chance, I would do it again. He deserved it. But, I wonder if I will ever get to that place where I can feel the anger and “sit with it” (as my therapist say) and then let it go so that I can replace it with my gentler side. Right now, when I am able to let it go, it is simply replaced with sadness and loss. I just hate that. It is not who I want to be, or how I want to be.

Here is what I hope. I hope that my fierceness, my feistiness will somehow morph into fighting this underlying anger. I want to be badass enough to be THAT woman…the one that is so fierce and so tough and SO badass, that nothing, NOTHING,can shake her serenity and peace. I think that is strength and beauty personified. Maybe it is simply a matter of time and recovery. I hope I am not incapable of becoming the woman I want to be 😳. Is it possible to work TOO hard to obtain a goal? So hard that it escapes one’s grasp? Ugh…I so easily get discouraged. This is not the serenity I so desperately need. Maybe this is just the part of recovery where growth actually looks a lot like confusion.

So, I keep trying, I keep fighting…for me, my marriage, for us. I keep praying and having hope and faith. I keep learning and working. I keep crying…and laughing. And healing. I am fierce. I am strong. I am still caring. I am becoming.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

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I posted last about our 37th anniversary and about how Skank, one of Will’s formers, was trying to accuse me of  posting on a shaming site about her various sexual escapades. Well, I owned up to the ONE post I did over five months ago, but that is apparently not the issue. Someone else that this Skank has disrespected, is even more disgusted by her than I. From what Will and I can tell, it seems that her pic and stories of her exploits have been posted, reposted and then shared between several sites in the last couple of months. Let’s just say that somebody….or maybe more than one somebody….is pretty pissed at Skank and her sleeping around with their hubbys or boyfriends. She’s from a very small town and it looks like she can’t hide anymore. So, because this whole thing started with my post way back in like February, Skank thinks it’s all my fault. Hmmmm…Lets recap here: She sleeps around with my husband. While she’s dating and then engaged to her soon to be husband. Then she continues to cheat on her new husband only not with my husband but with other husbands and boyfriends. Six years later I find out she slept with my husband, the sex addict, and request that she stay out of our lives. She won’t and continues to contact Will “for work related issues” even though she has other people she can contact. I am already in trauma, this woman is a total slut and I have had enough so I post her and one other woman’s pics on a shaming site. I close the account I made to get onto the site and then I am off to inpatient care. While I had NO ACCESS to the Internet, phone or outside world, someone else posted the pic of Skank with their own narrative. In the weeks since there have been additional posts until the last one which was sent anonymously to her work. Keep in mind that Skank takes ZERO responsibility here for flirting with, coming on to and then screwing a married man. In her amoral, perverse mind, evidently, that is no harm, no foul. However, because I, the legally married spouse to that man found out and told the world, I, and now Will, should be punished! She has gone to HR to attempt to get Will fired, her husband has posted nastiness about me and Will, and she is making recovery difficult by breaking boundaries with Will. Even though I only posted the truth about this disgusting whore in a short post on a shaming site over five months ago. Ugh! I have NO control over the dirty crap she’s done in her life or the countless other women she pissed off…yet I am the one she is mad at and is now attacking. I’m sorry, but, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?

And then there’s Will. He is safe in his job but has failed to protect me and explain what has happened. He cowardly accepted that he is to take Skank’s calls EVEN THOUGH THAT IS A CLEAR BOUNDARY VIOLATION. I cannot accept it. We are now in a flux….what to do, what to do? We are at an impasse until we can meet with our therapist. I am so, so disappointed….again. When does this stop? How long does it take for him to figure this crap out? When do I get to be first?

Meanwhile, I finally got moved out of my home and we closed the sale. So, for the next six-nine months I am living, with Will, in our thirty foot travel trailer. Parked in a mobile home park. On the wrong side of town. Will has pulled me down to his level and I have become “trailer trash” If I still had a mom and she knew, it would be one more thing she could be disappointed in.  If this is all some sort of sick, cruel, joke, and if anyone has a heart, please can the fun be over now? Please?

I Don’t Like Mondays

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Just Another Manic Monday, Rainy Days and Mondays Always Bring Me Down, Monday Monday … Pick any old song about Monday and I’ll run with it. Today is my least favorite day of the week. Monday was named after the moon or “Moon Day” and is astrologically thought to affect one’s mood. I’ll buy that. My mood on Monday is usually not in the “happy just to be alive”category. Today is no different.

I’m still sick so that is already a strike against my mood. Can I please just be done with the coughing-so-hard-I-wet-my-pants phase of this crap?!?! UGH!!!

OK…Sick rant over.

House rant commencing…the deal fell through, the contract was broken and my house is back on the market. Grrrr! I’m wondering if the buyers found out that Skank had been here and were afraid of her cooties….I wouldn’t blame them. Anyway, I was kind of lulled into a false sense of security and was already window shopping for new stuff for the new house etc…..screeeechhhhh! Those brakes just got stomped on…hard! Back to clearing out for last minute showings and possibly setting up for another open house. So bummed about it but, nothing we can do but start all over and get this bad memory sold. I hope it is not as hard to get rid of as Skank is.

Speaking of Skank. This is the good news…only it happened yesterday so Monday still sucks 😏. Will fought with himself and determined that his boundary was still his boundary. He decided however, that the Skank believing that she was so important that the boundary didn’t really mean anything was a situation that had to be managed and managed quickly. Will absolutely did NOT want to call her as he can’t stand the sound of her voice and I think he felt that a call was somehow more personal. He chose to email her. I include the entire email here.

“I’m really angry that after all this time, you chose to break a well-defined boundary of no contact. There is no work-related issue important enough to ever contact me directly. I need to state again that nothing in my past, nothing between us, ever meant anything. I am an addict who was living in addiction, and you were easy and available. That’s it…nothing more. The thought of my past actions disgusts me. The people I acted out with are part of that disgust. You are part of that disgust. I don’t know how I can make it any clearer. I am trying to get as far away from my disgusting, gross past as possible. You are part of that disgusting, gross past. Do not ever contact me again, not through email, phone, text, or mail. There is no need to respond to this email. Just honor the boundary that I have put in place, because it sickens me when I see your name or hear your voice.”

He did not address her by her name and did not sign it. I think he did a good job. I think that even someone as dense as Skank will figure out that he is ashamed of the fact that he ever looked at her twice. As for me, I am glad that he got angry. Will rarely gets angry and I honestly don’t think that he has ever gotten angry at someone for hurting me or my feelings. So…this is kind of a big deal. I am glad that he chose to protect me in this way and also hold to his boundaries. I think that he is also feeling somewhat empowered by his action. That he did not passively let Skank break a boundary with no repercussions. He showed her that he meant what he said. No contact means no contact.

Now….if we can just get a home buyer to understand that a contract means a contract….

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No Contact Means No Contact

imageI’m really sick. I have bronchitis and have been put on bed rest. It sucks. I hate to be sick and I hate going to the doctor.  In the past, Will used my infirmities as an excuse to act out. When I blew out my knee in a skiing accident and had to have a reconstruct, he began his affair with Skank. As I hobbled around in a horrible knee brace for weeks trying to finish renovations on my garage, Will was too busy grooming Skank to help me much. When I recovered enough to drive cross country to help my daughter give birth, Will allowed Skank to come to my home for the purpose of screwing her in my bed…and in my shower…and on my family room sofa. Skank still works for a subsidiary of the same company Will works for. She has been told..by Will and by me..that she will UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES contact Will by phone, email, text etc.  She broke this boundary once several months ago and I emailed her myself telling her that it would stop immediately. She responded and said she would not contact him again. She lied.

Yesterday, Will came over after work to do something he has never done..take care of me because I am so sick. He had taken time off of work yesterday to take me to the doctor and then last night brought over some dinner. After we ate, he said that something had happened at work and he needed to tell me. I immediately felt that dread..that pit in my stomach…that horrible, twisting, sick churning in my belly of impending doom.  I thought he had relapsed. I thought he had gotten a nooner at a massage parlor…his habit when I was not feeling well and he wasn’t currently having an affair. But no. The Skank had called him. Directly. She called from a different work number and he didn’t recognize her voice at first. He told her someone would handle her issue and hung up. In short..he kind of panicked. Then he got angry. Angry that she had broken the boundary…again. That because of her, he had to come and tell me and hurt me again.

This is where my frustration begins. You see, Will is a nice guy. You all know the type…everyone’s friend, never gets angry, always happy and helpful. Yeah, so…this is why the boundary means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the Skank. She knows that Will is a kind man. That he would never get angry with her. Would never be unkind or rude to her. She is under the impression that if she hadn’t gotten married, he would still be pursuing her. She believes that the only reason there is “no contact” is because now I, the bitchy wife, knows about their past together. This is what frustrates me. I asked Will why he didn’t call her back and get angry with her if he was mad that she had broken that boundary. I asked him why he didn’t tell her that she disgusts him…that everything about their affair makes him sick. I asked if he was so angry, why didn’t he tell HER that..because telling me was not going to stop her from breaking that boundary over and over and over again. He told me he couldn’t call her because his own boundaries were that he never initiate contact with an AP. 🙄 I’m sorry…but on this, I’m calling bullshit.

Why would someone willingly give another person power over them because of a self imposed boundary? I completely understand the need for rules, boundaries, limits etc…but at the expense of the greater good? At the complete disregard for common sense and rationality? My frustration and pain is simply this: Will knew that her contact would hurt me. He was angry. Rather than let her know of his anger and break his boundary, he is willing to allow her to continue to contact him (and she will) and cause further hurt.  Once again, something (his personal boundary) takes priority over me. I am angry and hurt because he just doesn’t get this!  In my mind, it appears that he is more willing to let her hurt me, than to take the chance of him hurting her feelings. Ergo..she is more valuable to him than am I. I believe this NOT to be true, but his actions need to bear this out and so far….well, no contact means no contact or we are going to be back to a few months ago when divorce means divorce.  For crying out loud Will..grow the hell up or get the hell out!

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