It’s a psychologically proven fact that addiction and other mental or emotional maladies run in families. Will is practical proof of that. His (biological) father is a sexist, manipulative, narcissist and exposed Will to his first pornographic experience. Will believes the man is a sex addict. His grandfather was an alcoholic and was known to “have women on the side.” Beyond that, older generations, is only speculative. However, moving to the generation with which we have graced the world, our son had problems with porn (which Will blamed his own relapse on…🙄), we have one daughter who deals with food addiction, and our oldest, which is the point of this post, is an alcoholic. So, yeah, we are that dysfunctional.
In the last two years or so, our oldest daughter has made several late night calls to us in tears because her second husband, (the first is a drug addict with whom none of us have contact) and our eldest grandchild were fighting and it was getting out of control. These things usually ended a couple of ways: we would drive 40 minutes to get either the grandchild, the husband or the two younger kids to get them out of the situation and then drive 40 minutes home and they would spend the night with us. Alcohol was ALWAYS involved. Or, we would be able to calm things down after a couple of hours on the phone to everyone involved and they would finally get tired and go to bed. The calls, the fighting, the out-of-controlness became too much. My granddaughter moved out, to places unknown, my oldest grandson (15 at the time) started smoking pot, the younger grandson started having major issues at school, and my daughters husband filed for divorce. After what seemed an eternity, we found the root cause was my daughters non-stop drinking. She is a therapist and specializes in children and play therapy. She got a second DUI, came close to losing her license to practice and became alienated from my oldest granddaughter even more. My granddaughter then got a DUI after totaling her car and has now had her license suspended.
Yeah. All of the sudden, after so much work and healing for Will and I, we were dealing with yet another onslaught of trauma, drama, and heartbreak. Not gonna lie. It was all so triggering for me.
So, that was several months ago and brings me to now. My daughter is divorced and not handling it well at all. She continues to drink, comes to family dinners drunk, denies it, gets angry and drives off with my two grandsons. We rarely see our granddaughter because she too, has substance abuse problems and cannot be bothered to seek help. My oldest grandson is drifting into pot land and doesn’t spend time at home or with us much. The little guy, who is only eight, spends time between his mom and dad and has behavioral and anger issues.
My daughter got obliterated a few weeks ago. She called and was going on and on, rambling and using every obscenity she could think of regarding a family website and someone with whom she perceived was rude. She could barely form a cogent thought. She then called this other family member and was verbally abusive. She then went to a neighbors home, had a few more drinks (from what we can tell) flirted with said neighbor, consented to kiss him and then was raped.
She called her sister at 5:00 am in tears and said she had reported it. She called me at 6:00 and said the same thing. She called her now ex-husband and he was less than sympathetic. This set her off and she sent scathing texts to all of us. She was clearly still drunk. She was profane and verbally abusive. Not one of us responded.
After a couple of days, she called me and her sister. Neither of us had the will or courage to pick up. She is now in victim mode. She texted us claiming that she would not entertain any shame or blame and that we had failed as women in not reaching out to her and supporting her. I replied to tell her that she needed serious help before she destroyed herself, her kids, and this whole family. She believes that me, Will, her sister and entire family are blaming her for getting raped. No. We are just wanting her to heal. We are desperate for her to get some control over her life. None of us has the heart to stage an intervention. I have learned how to let go of so much, but this…this is breaking me.