Time Out

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Will is going hunting this weekend. He will be in the mountains with my son-in-law and grandson. I am fine with that. However, next week, I am leaving for a couple of weeks to be with my son and his family. Will will be here. By himself. Alone. I have been telling myself that: I should be passed worrying. He has been sober for over a year. I shouldn’t be triggered by the distance. I am over-reacting and being unreasonable. So far, it’s not working.

The truth is that I am worried. I don’t know if he will still be sober when he is left on his own. Because I still don’t trust him. I don’t. And I don’t know when, or even if, trust will ever be possible. I certainly can’t just decide to trust him 100% all over again after all he’s done. It is not possible for me to look at him yet and not see the deceit and filth that was his life. It is still a process. I know I am impatient, especially with myself, but this takes time. A LOT of time.

What I am not doing is beating myself up. I started to really get upset with myself for not being able to just take this in stride. But then I remembered…oh, yeah…I didn’t do this to me…Will did this to me. It is not unreasonable or unwarranted. It is not my responsibility to be perfectly ok with leaving my known sex addict husband alone for two weeks, unsupervised, a block away from a massage parlor and liquor store, with full internet access, and all the time in the world, to do whatever he wants with whomever he want, with no one to be accountable to. Whew….now that I’ve written that out, I think I can let it go. Because, really, there is nothing I can do about it. He will or he won’t act out. That will be entirely his choice. He will lie to me, or he won’t…again his choice. He has a poly next month. If he makes a poor choice then, that’s ok…I’ll be ok. I’ll re-file for divorce and he knows this. And if he chooses acting out over me, then I will be better off. And if he chooses to stay sober, then he and we will be much farther ahead in our recovery and on a firmer path. That, too, goes a long way in establishing that all-important trust.

So, in the meantime, I will breathe deep, I will exhale fully. I will let go and let God. I will trust in myself and my own healing as always. And I will be OK. Thanks readers…I needed this little time out. 😏

The Weight of Our Words

I am sharing this post by Lorana Hoopes because it applies not only to politics which is the subject she writes about, but to life in general. And specifically to relationship…to marriage.

~by Lorana Hoopes. As a teacher I often tell students it’s not always what you say, but how you say it that matters. Today I was reminded of how powerful that statement is. At the end of my wor…

Source: The Weight of Our Words

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Will and I saw our couples therapist today. Generally that is a good thing and signifies progress. I say “generally” because it is certainly not a sure thing. Sometimes, even 17 months post d-day, there are ugly little nuggets of disclosure that rear their nasty little heads. Today was one of those days. Yes, even this far into recovery (not simply sobriety, which I assure you is different) I was hit with a new disclosure and I feel floored again. Will’s explanation is that he disclosed this to his therapist waaaayy back in July of 2015… at the first polygraph…with the disclosure I was not present for….that I never heard…but was told by the therapist was “great”…that triggered a three, or five, or seven day PTSD episode that I cannot recall. To me, this is complete therapy abuse. Different therapist (thankfully!) but nonetheless, I was in the dark, so this is new to me. OF COURSE he has passed his polys since then. He has disclosed all of his disgusting past. What the polys do not ask is if he has disclosed them specifically TO ME. Ya know, the one he cheated on. The one he hurt. The single person in the entire world that he could commit adultery against.  The only woman in the world who has put up with his shit for over 37 years. Oh, yeah…me. Just the wife. Just the mother of his children, his life partner, the grandmother of his amazing grandkids and savior time and again of his sorry loser ass!!! I asked Will to leave our sad little trailer for a couple of days. I need to process. I need to think. I need to cry. I need to mourn yet another ugly betrayal, another lie, another layer of hurt. Does it ever end? Ever? Please…fellow bloggers…tell me this gets better! Tell me that at some point there is NO MORE. Because I am near my ropes end….really…

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up!

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I posted last about our 37th anniversary and about how Skank, one of Will’s formers, was trying to accuse me of  posting on a shaming site about her various sexual escapades. Well, I owned up to the ONE post I did over five months ago, but that is apparently not the issue. Someone else that this Skank has disrespected, is even more disgusted by her than I. From what Will and I can tell, it seems that her pic and stories of her exploits have been posted, reposted and then shared between several sites in the last couple of months. Let’s just say that somebody….or maybe more than one somebody….is pretty pissed at Skank and her sleeping around with their hubbys or boyfriends. She’s from a very small town and it looks like she can’t hide anymore. So, because this whole thing started with my post way back in like February, Skank thinks it’s all my fault. Hmmmm…Lets recap here: She sleeps around with my husband. While she’s dating and then engaged to her soon to be husband. Then she continues to cheat on her new husband only not with my husband but with other husbands and boyfriends. Six years later I find out she slept with my husband, the sex addict, and request that she stay out of our lives. She won’t and continues to contact Will “for work related issues” even though she has other people she can contact. I am already in trauma, this woman is a total slut and I have had enough so I post her and one other woman’s pics on a shaming site. I close the account I made to get onto the site and then I am off to inpatient care. While I had NO ACCESS to the Internet, phone or outside world, someone else posted the pic of Skank with their own narrative. In the weeks since there have been additional posts until the last one which was sent anonymously to her work. Keep in mind that Skank takes ZERO responsibility here for flirting with, coming on to and then screwing a married man. In her amoral, perverse mind, evidently, that is no harm, no foul. However, because I, the legally married spouse to that man found out and told the world, I, and now Will, should be punished! She has gone to HR to attempt to get Will fired, her husband has posted nastiness about me and Will, and she is making recovery difficult by breaking boundaries with Will. Even though I only posted the truth about this disgusting whore in a short post on a shaming site over five months ago. Ugh! I have NO control over the dirty crap she’s done in her life or the countless other women she pissed off…yet I am the one she is mad at and is now attacking. I’m sorry, but, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!?

And then there’s Will. He is safe in his job but has failed to protect me and explain what has happened. He cowardly accepted that he is to take Skank’s calls EVEN THOUGH THAT IS A CLEAR BOUNDARY VIOLATION. I cannot accept it. We are now in a flux….what to do, what to do? We are at an impasse until we can meet with our therapist. I am so, so disappointed….again. When does this stop? How long does it take for him to figure this crap out? When do I get to be first?

Meanwhile, I finally got moved out of my home and we closed the sale. So, for the next six-nine months I am living, with Will, in our thirty foot travel trailer. Parked in a mobile home park. On the wrong side of town. Will has pulled me down to his level and I have become “trailer trash” If I still had a mom and she knew, it would be one more thing she could be disappointed in.  If this is all some sort of sick, cruel, joke, and if anyone has a heart, please can the fun be over now? Please?

The Lie Guy

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Polygraphs. Ugh.

Will underwent polygraph tests on a regular basis for many years while in the military in order to maintain his top secret security clearance. (I know! Scary that someone like Will had access to our country’s secrets!…and he always passed!) Now, of course, polygraphs have a whole different meaning.

Last year, after D-day, Will took a poly. The whole experience was extremely triggering for me. First of all, we went to HIS therapist and although I was told the poly was really for my benefit, I was given no information, no access to the questions and no clinical disclosure. So, basically, Will passed but I have no idea what he disclosed and what he was asked. So…..pointless. After, we met with his therapist who basically told me to trust Will because he passed and try to move forward. This was approximately one month after finding out my whole life had been a lie and that I was married to someone I didn’t know. So….yeah. I ran away. To a local hotel. I was in such a triggered state I still don’t recall much of the three or four days I was away. I spent a lot of time by the pool and I have some sketches that I don’t really remember doing.  Something changed in me after that. I sort of “let go”…of Will, of marriage, of God, of myself.  For the first time in my life, I became self-centered. I began to look at what wanted. What did want to have for dinner? What did want to see at the movies? Where did want to spent my time? What did want to watch on TV? What did want to do with my life? Who did I want to be? It was liberating, earth-shattering, exciting….and scary as hell. Will had been court ordered to maintain our home and continue to pay the bills. He was instructed not to divert any funds or “hide” any resources. I was not working, I had lost a lot of weight, it was summertime, my schedule was open and for the first time in my entire life, I was beholden to no one…my time, my decisions, my life was my own. I kinda lost my mind a little bit. It was during this time that I had my affair.

Will saw the change in me and became more and more frustrated and angry. All of the sudden, his control over me was lost. I no longer cared what he thought or how he felt. I did not consider him first and he did not like it one bit! I responded to his texts with LEAVE ME ALONE! I stopped answering his constant phone calls.  He began to stalk me. At one point he bought a GPS tracker to put on my car. I booked a trip to visit my son and daughter-in-law and see our new grandbaby named and blessed. Will booked the same flight. While there, he took advantage of my distraction with family and hacked my phone. He managed to get hold of my diary and read it. He hacked my email, stalked my social media accounts and scoured phone records. He found out who I was seeing. He went to his home. He confronted him and recorded the conversation. He threatened him and told him I was crazy and unstable. He told him to stop communicating with me…no explanation, no excuses. Just tell me it was over. He did. I was crushed and confused. I didn’t know what had happened…I didn’t understand. We were having fun, he was clearly very much attracted to me and I to him, we very much enjoyed each other’s company…and then…nothing. I didn’t let it go. Something told me that Will had something to do with it. I confronted Will and he finally admitted what he did. I was able to contact this sweet man and we resumed our relationship. We saw each other for a couple more months. I felt loved and wanted and attractive and desired and cherished. It was all new to me. I discovered what a give and take relationship felt like. I knew what I wanted and needed in a relationship going forward. I never knew before. I will forever be grateful for that learning experience. I realized that I was running from my problem though, Will, and needed to face things and reality head on. I ended the affair but started a new phase of discovery…about what reality meant for me.

I found a new therapist. I took a new path. One that would focus on me and my healing. This is where the famous “safety plan” comes in. It was helpful in the early days as I was not ready to deal with Will and all of his mania. But, once I became clear on where I wanted to go, it began to cause a rift that would not be bridged in time, only widened. Divorce seemed imminent and unavoidable. Will and I had been apart for nearly 11 months. I had gone to an inpatient facility. He had been working his steps and attending 3+ meetings a week plus seeing a counselor on an intensive basis. We had both undergone EMDR and mindfulness therapy. I fired my therapist. Will and I had been through a lot…separately and together. We were different people. We began to talk. It was time for a true disclosure and a new polygraph. A true “day one” on our path together.

Yesterday, we went to OUR therapist. We all sat down together and had a clinical disclosure. It is still hard to hear all the ugly. It still hurts so terribly. We discussed the questions then Will went to take his test. I stayed with the therapist and we talked. Will passed. The polygrapher, the Lie Guy, found “no deception” in any of his answers. I was not triggered. I simply processed. I did not run away..I felt no need. Will and I went to lunch. We talked about the house, the kids, the grandkids. We talked about the poly, my feelings, his feelings…our feelings. We felt…normal. I slept soundly last night. Will stayed over and kissed me when he left for work this morning. He had invited me to come to breakfast with him today but I declined, opting to pack some of the house.  I texted him when I woke up:

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I am not sure if the polygraph and results had anything to do with it. I think it may be a contributing factor. Also, our therapist said something that really sunk in. He told me that whatever I can imagine Will doing with these other women, whatever I can imagine him saying..he probably did and said. He told me that there is nothing in the world I can do to change it. He also said that Will is doing his best to forget every single woman’s name, face, voice, body shape etc. Here is the important part…I can choose to dwell on all of that and keep turning it over in my mind, or I can take this poly for what it says. Will is NOW being scrupulously honest and is focusing on the present and the future…WITH ME. It is my choice as to what I make my focus. I am choosing to trust the Lie Guy..who says that Will is practicing rigorous honesty. In time, I will trust Will too.