Sex Addiction Kills

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A friend from my recovery group I attend sent a group text to us all this morning. It stopped me in my tracks and an old, bitter, stomach churning, feeling washed over me. She was informing us that another woman in our group just told her that her sex addict husband, who was struggling so hard to stay sober, could not handle the pain and failure any longer and took his own life. They had two small children.

I had to sit down and fight tears as I read the words and fight back the emotion, not because I knew this man and I am not close at all to this woman who attended so infrequently. It was the enormity of the problem. The Addiction. The destruction and devastation it brings to lives…the addicts, their spouses, their families, their friends. It is an evil, disgusting life sucking addiction that destroys one not only physically, but because of its nature, disintegrates the very soul of its victim. Tearing down every last feeling of self-worth,  any hope of redemption, any grasp of living without shame or embarrassment. Addicts truly believe at some point that they are probably better off dead and most wish that God would just take them to stop the pain. This man did not wait for God. He stopped his pain himself. He could not stop the pain of his constant guilt or the pain of hurting his sweet wife any more. He couldn’t stop anything except his own heart beating.

I thought back to my first few weeks, even months after D-Day and my horrific dreams/nightmares wherein Will would die or be violently killed. Sometimes it would be at my own hand in a hate-filled rage and I would awaken struggling to breathe with a severe anxiety attack. Indeed, there were times, when I was in the midst of my deepest trauma and hate, that I truly wished he was dead. And then, of course, as most of you know, I truly wished that I was. That is what this addiction does. It is unlike every other addiction in that respect. In a relationship, this addiction changes both people…whether they know it or not…and eventually, they both will know because they are always found out. But one’s brain is either altered by the addiction and the lying and the porn and the secrecy, or one’s brain is altered by being lied to, and gaslighted, and ignored, and withdrawn from, or neglected. And at some point, for either one, it can seem too big, too ugly, too terrible, too powerful a hold on us to escape from. It can seem bigger than even God.

That is how this man felt. And now his sweet wife and their two children do not have him in their lives anymore. There will never be a chance to watch him become a new man. A strong, confident, connected husband and father. A man truly and deeply committed in word and deed to his family and filled with a depth of love for them that he was never able to show before. And that is the biggest tragedy. The biggest loss.

The loss of what could have been, what should have been and what likely would have been. Recovery is hard, grueling, painful work. Marriage through recovery is sometimes ugly and very messy. But truly recovering addicts are human miracles and amazing testimonies of God’s grace and love. And marriages, recovering thru the hell of this addiction, are even greater miracles of Christ’s Atonement and His sacrifice for us.

My heart is breaking for anyone in that darkest of places because of addiction, the fallout of someone’s addiction, or for any reason. I pray for those souls whomever and wherever they may be. I ask that as you read this, you pray for them too. God blesses those who need Him the most. ❤

The Weight of Our Words

I am sharing this post by Lorana Hoopes because it applies not only to politics which is the subject she writes about, but to life in general. And specifically to relationship…to marriage.

~by Lorana Hoopes. As a teacher I often tell students it’s not always what you say, but how you say it that matters. Today I was reminded of how powerful that statement is. At the end of my wor…

Source: The Weight of Our Words

Sarcasm…Just Another Service I Offer…

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I actually have a bumper sticker that says “Sarcasm:Just another service I offer.” I have had it for years…not on my car…but it was on my cubicle wall at a customer service job I had, under my desk blotter at another job, at my home office desk and it finally found a permanent home on the kitchen bulletin board. I have taken some sort of sick pride in my ability to have a quick, witty (read sarcastic) response to what I perceived to be idiotic behavior or comments from others. I truly thought I was HILARIOUS!  For instance, just recently, a friend who knows the situation with Will and our selling our home, asked where we were living while we built a new home.

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Yeah….Our travel trailer. Instead of just saying that however, I added that Will didn’t mind, he was used to sleeping with trailer trash.  Ha,ha,ha,ha…..ahem…. My friend gave me a slight smile and a “courtesy” chuckle but it clearly made her uncomfortable. In short, it just wasn’t funny. It was rude and crass.  I have learned that I do it to cover up for what I perceive to be embarrassing or uncomfortable situations. The problem is that it reverses the awkwardness onto others…diverting the feelings away from me. I do this a lot with Will but for different reasons. He bought a new fishing pole last week…

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Yes…it really is called an ugly stick. So when I saw it I said, “Oh, did you buy that to hit Skank with? …Nevermind, she’s clearly already been hit…a LOT!” A completely unnecessary comment. (True, but unnecessary 😏) I do it with Will to inflict hurt. To belittle and to remind him of his past behaviors. He told me the other day that he trusted my intuition. I replied that would be unwise as I had a history of believing a deceitful cheater. Ha! . . . Ugh! Why do I keep doing that?! It’s not funny, it’s just mean! It makes no difference if I say it in a laughing voice, with a chuckle or deliver it with a smile. Snarky is ugly.

Well….it stops here and now! It serves no purpose. Other than to temporarily (VERY temporarily) make me feel superior or vindicated in small doses, it only causes harm.

SARCASM. 1570s, sarcasmus, from Late Latin sarcasmus, from late Greek sarkasmos “a sneer, jest, taunt, mockery,” from sarkazein “to speak bitterly, sneer,” literally “to strip off the flesh” from.   (genitive sarkos) “flesh,” properly “piece of meat,” from PIE root *twerk- “to cut” (cf. Avestan thwares “to cut”).

I don’t want to be THAT girl anymore. That one with the smart-ass remark, the quick but sometimes hurtful comeback. I don’t want to be the one who always has something clever to say…even if it is at the expense of others. Particularly Will.  I don’t want to be responsible for intentionally causing harm to anyone by word or deed.  How hypocritical would that be? From someone to whom so much harm has been done? Trust me when I say that it will take Herculean strength for me not to speak out loud the quips that constantly pop into my head and I make no promises that one or two won’t appear here, just between you and me 😉, but I have to make this effort to soften my demeanor, to curb my sharp tongue and to move towards a kinder, gentler me. Not that I am some kind of snotty shrew who has nothing kind to say about anyone or am constantly critical or nasty…that certainly is not true. I am generally a kind and decent person. I just think my sense of humor has become warped over all these years and changed from what is genuinely witty to a sick sort of defense mechanism. THAT is what I need to be mindful of and what I seek to change. The hurt needs to stop now. With me.

Oh…this journey of recovery…